The dark side of the Star
by KatarinaBlack17
Summary: Hate-love-hate-loathing? Yup, that's the history of Sirius and Vivian, at the moment. Can future be a bit less turbulent?The story is sort of a sequel of Not Just Another Brick In The Wall, but you don't have to read it to be able to understand this one. This story starts during the summer between Harry's fourth and fifth year and it might get AU-ish with later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Here you go, a new story! It's going to be a little more serious because Sirius is getting serious with age, you know? Ok, quit rambling, Katarina. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** Nothing is mine except for my OC and storyline, unfortunately...  
Begin Again

July, 1995.

Where does this pain come from? Can I even define it? Do I want to throw up, clutch my stomach or just close my eyes and let the depths of nothingness suck me in? Why do my hands tremble so much? _C'mon. Focus._ How could I forget how to think? My head is empty and I can literally picture one big nothing. It isn't even like I stepped outside myself and now I'm watching my own limp body struggling with this huge, sudden burden. No, I wish I could've stepped outside myself. Instead I'm trapped, I'm trapped with one proposal, with one demand I don't even have a choice to ignore. How long am I staring at the same spot across the room, which is left empty and untouched in just one fragment of a second? _C'mon, now. Focus. Breathe out. Breathe in._ Shock subsides. I'm not glad because of that. What is left is much, much worse. Fear. Awful, cold fright which absorbed my lungs and my gut, but somehow missed my mind. And now, my mind is working two hundred miles per hour, finally accepting the fact that I am screwed, that my world is screwed, that the time I dreaded so much finally had come to snatch me out of my little white lie I called life. The end of it inevitably came, that in the shape of one old, eccentric and strikingly wise man. It came suddenly and just like that, in one big crack, it announced that I have to find and re-learn to use that one piece of wood, which I hoped never to take in my hands again. And to think that, just a couple of hours ago, my greatest concern was how to pay a parking ticket…

I almost started to chuckle at my foolishness, but then one flashback came. Then another one. Soon enough, I was kneeling on my kitchen tiles, one hand on my face while the other one clutched a little peace of parchment, with one address, awfully familiar, written in a neat, old-fashioned handwriting. I was sitting there remembering my blissfully peaceful life in the last fifteen years. One big fat lie, covered up with a veil of pretending ignorance. Year after year, from today to that faithful day when I decided to run away and leave everything behind me. Year after year of stable job as a secretary in a big advertising company and a cat for a pet and the only family, boring black hair, my natural, instead of freaky purple, friends who didn't know and didn't really care about my background, boring lady suits for everyday attire, lonely nights in front of a TV, brief and unsatisfying relationships, unanswered letters… I am starting to shake a little. Michael proposing to me five years ago and me rejecting him… Like I knew. Like I knew that this day would come, sooner or later. And then, finally, the memory of the worst day in my life came. Now, I am openly sobbing.

* * *

November 1st, 1981. I remember it so clearly now, it really hurts. I was sitting in my apartment, the one in London, in that building with awful graffiti on it. It was really early in the morning and I was sipping my coffee, looking through the window and not knowing in the slightest what the hell was happening in my community. And then one owl which I recognized as Remus', flew right into my closed window, crashed and went up again, urgently tapping for me to let it inside. I brushed my rising concern aside while I was unfolding the letter. But then I saw just one sentence and I really started to worry. It just said, 'Read the newspaper', scribbled in hurried, messy handwriting. Then I spotted the other thing attached to the owl's leg-The Daily Prophet. I frowned; we weren't the ones to believe that thrash in these dangerous times. But, he probably has his reasons. He is, after all, still one of my best friends, even if we weren't as close anymore. Well, not after Sirius' and mine awful breakup, after a couple of months of turbulent, emotionally wrecking, passionate thing which couldn't even be called relationship. It lasted, what? Three months? Lots of fights. Too similar tempers, too different attitudes. Amazing sex, though. I smiled almost fondly but then I remembered our last, exceptionally fucked up argument where we agreed that it didn't lead anywhere. And we agreed that the love we shared turned into some twisted hybrid of emotions, unfortunately, with lots of hatred. I sighed, unrolling the newspaper. Now when I think of it, I hadn't really seen Sirius, let alone talked to him in a long, long time. And I didn't really miss him. Oh, well. I shrugged and finally concentrated on the first page. But then I froze. I wanted to stop reading but my eyes wouldn't fucking listen to me, so one word came after the other, creating horror. Dark Lord, gone. Little Harry, alive. James and Lily, dead. I couldn't even cry from shock. And then… Sirius Black, killed Pettigrew and bunch of other people, framed Potters, worked for Voldemort, life sentence in Azkaban.

It wasn't just because of Sirius, no. I had run away from the world which was finally in peace, but with so many victims I couldn't even count. And with my best friend, my Lily, dead. No, I couldn't afford to stay there with my whole generation wounded, dead or imprisoned. I couldn't be strong anymore. I couldn't work on mending the damaged and rebuilding destroyed. So, I made up a new identity and left as a true coward. I went to the USA, and lived like a good old content Muggle since. Nothing in Wizarding world concerned me anymore. I didn't have any idea what was happening there. And I learned to live with my guilt. It became quite easy, until a half an hour ago, when Dumbledore apparated straight into my living room. And he filled me in. Of Voldemort's return. Of reformed Order. Of innocent man I once loved, then hated, then loathed. Of young Harry and our duty to protect him. Of the fact that it is finally time. Time to go back.

* * *

''…Are you sure?'' That was the first thing I managed to squeeze out of my brain after I heard everything. I was sitting with Remus in Leaky Cauldron, that almost forgotten place which was bearing the most pleasant memories of my life. After initial shock, hugs, random compliments and awkward laughs you always have with someone you hadn't seen for a decade, Remus made me tell him my boring story. And boring it was, because after it he filled me in every single thing I missed, everything Dumbledore hadn't already told me. And damn, I missed a lot. Right now I was gaping in shock at the fact that I'll be residing in the Ancient House of Black, with the person I thought was already dead or at least spiritually ruined. And even if one big, rational, pathetic part of me was screaming to get away, to forget about all of this nonsense and get back to Boston as soon as possible, I kept sitting. I was accepting everything. Did I even have a choice? If I run away again, I won't bear to live with the knowledge that I willingly left my world and my kind of people to fight without me and die.

''…Yes, I'm quite sure. Like I said, I was there an hour ago and I told him you'll come. Really, Viv, did all perks of being a Muggle made you a little slow?'' Remus attempted to joke, but I couldn't laugh. This was just too much for one person. Too much information, too little time. I couldn't even answer him. I just stared blankly at his shabby, old robe, scarred face with some hardly noticeable but still present handsomeness, roughed and hidden by layers of worry over the years. But, there's that boy I knew. I could see him in those kind eyes. I could see him in those soft bright strands with flickering gray. But still, it was that calm, good-natured, loyal Remus, the normal one out of four. And in that moment I realized how much I had actually missed him, missed this place, missed my old life. Of course I was going to fight. Of course I was going to defend _mine_. I blinked back my tears, hopefully but not surely the last ones and took a deep breath.

''Take me to Diagon Alley. I'm desperately in need for some robes.'' I said hoarsely, adjusting brave façade. Well, I couldn't fool him, for sure. He knew me so well, even after all these years. He took my hand and squeezed it.

''You can do this, you know.'' He smiled kindly and suddenly looked exactly like before. Well. Maybe everything _is_ exactly like before.

* * *

And before I knew it, my hands were full with bags of clothes and my pockets were full of newly exchanged galleons. I took all of my Muggle money supply and brought it here with me. I also left everything else in my apartment in Boston, never to come back for it. Oh well, it's not like I'm going to need anything of that here. But when some of my supposed colleagues realize I'm missing, the police will have some work to do, for sure. I chuckled at my own silliness. _Really, is now the time for you to worry about your apartment and job, when you are going on a probably life-long adventure?_ I was so deep in thought, enjoying my quiet walk with Remus that I didn't even realize when he pulled my forearm and apparated us. And just when my insides stopped twisting and when I prepared my voice for some yelling session, I noticed we were standing on the top step of, what I could see, and what Muggles called it, The Haunted House. The door was old, with peeling black paint, the door knob was in the shape of a little snakes eating each other's tails (?!), the wall was made of some old, decaying, dark grey bricks and the windows were so dirty that my almost inexistent OCD started yelling. I was so confused that I totally forgot to shout at Remus for not telling me that we're going somewhere, probably to Voldemort's own, sweet home. Remus took out his wand, mumbled some ward under his breath and the creepy door opened with one awful, squeaky sound. I felt goose bumps forming on my neck and back. We stepped into the old house and rotten, stale smell hit my nostrils. Remus showed me with a finger on his lips to zip it and just when I wanted to start sneaking around, he did some odd thing. He took off his robe and placed it in some old, dirty closet, like he would in his own home. And then it hit me-was this actually… Were we really…? I looked at Remus bewildered, pleading for some answer, but then my goddamn nose came in contact with some stale dust and I had insufferable need to sneeze. I couldn't hold it and saw Remus wincing. When I came back to normal and nobody came to attack us and the house stayed the same as the second before, my stupid mind decided it was okay to make some more noise.

''See, Remus? Nothing happened, stop being such a-'' I started to talk slowly but loudly enough, because right then-

''USELESS SCUM OF THE EARTH! MUDBLOOD! WEREWOLVES, BLOOD TRAITORS, VICIOUS RATS AND DIRTY WHORES! HOW DARE YOU TO STEP YOUR NASTY INBRED FEET ONTO THE-''

What in the name of Merlin is going on? I cast a look towards the source of that awful noise and I recognized the woman from the portrait. I encountered her once, a long, long time ago. Walburga Black. I was gaping at her, not even paying attention to her shouting when I heard another roaring voice coming somewhere from the stairs. Notorious, hoarse, deep voice. Even hoarser and deeper than as I remembered it. My breath hitched in my throat and I felt my insides twisting much worse than when apparating.

''THE ONLY INBRED ONE IS YOU, AND, OH JOY, ME, AND THAT WITH YOUR OWN SICK FAULT, YOU OLD BLOODY BITCH!'' he yelled and cast some charm which made some curtain fall onto the portrait and shut it up. And as I turned my head to the stairs I saw him, standing in long, black robe, with hands buried in pockets and boyishly, casually slumped shoulders on the top of the stairs. And that was the only thing which helped me realize who was that man. That awfully thin and tall man, with shoulder-long, dirty hair, unhealthy bony face, scarily sharp cheekbones and jaw covered with short, almost-to-say well-kept beard. Only his posture helped me realize who that man was. His posture and his striking grey eyes which were looking directly into my own blue ones, and through them, directly into my soul. Sirius Black.


	2. Reality bites

**A/N:** Here's the official second chapter, later than expected, but you know, holiday season... Anyway, if you like it or hate it or want to give me some advice, be free, let me know, review~~~

 **Disclaimer** : JKR owns it all!

* * *

I was standing there frozen, not knowing what to say or do, or at least how to move. One huge mess of emotions was raging within me, still staring in those wicked eyes of his. Confusion; Fear; Excitement; Fear; Disbelief; Fear… Why am I scared of him? No… Probably not of him. I was scared of realization that I shall be here, in this damned hellhole, with unstable person for god knows how long. I was absolutely entranced, and not in a good way. The worst part was, I didn't know what he was thinking right there, standing frozen on the top of the stairs and with those eyes locked with mine. Stony, hollow, dead expression. _That's it. That frightens me the most._

''…Black?'' I winced at my terrible voice, hoarse, squeaky and broken in the same time. I coughed and cleared my throat a little. And it looked like, as terrible as it was, my voice did some magic. One flick of emotion passed his face. I don't know what that was, but for a moment there I saw something familiar. Not _Sirius_ familiar, more like _humanly_ familiar. Whatever that was, it disappeared quickly. He was coming down the stairs slowly, casually, and his eyes slowly diverted from mine, now fixing somewhere on the right. As he approached us, my heart leapt. Don't let me be misunderstood, it wasn't from giddiness. It was from mild discomfort mixed with that still existent, awful fear and just a pinch of adrenalin. What to do now? What to say to the person who saw all the horrors from this world, and not even by his fault? I felt a lump in my throat as he approached. But then all of my emotions simply deflated, like a torn football. He walked past me like I was one of those dirty closets in this smelly hallway and mumbled, probably to Remus-

''She can take Walburga's bedroom.'' Then he turned right and went to the dimly lit room. I was still standing on the same spot, listening to the door slowly closing behind him. I sighed. This is not going to be easy.

''…C'mon Viv, let me show you your room.'' Remus gave me one of his apologetic smiles and levitated my bags upstairs. I slowly headed after him, trying to make as little noise as possible, but that was practically impossible when this house was one huge chaos. Just when I was giving disgusted looks to the collection of dead house elfs' heads and thinking that my life is going to be hell if I stay here any longer, Remus broke my silent pity-party.

''Vivian, look. You have to understand he is not what he was. I mean, he is the exact opposite of what you remember.'' My attention finally snapped to Remus' calm, heavy voice. I couldn't see his expression since his back was turned to me, but I could imagine grim, older-looking face. I hummed, urging him to continue.

''I don't know what he had seen in Azkaban, and I'm afraid I couldn't even imagine it if I wanted to. He was there for twelve years! People die in there after one month!'' Remus was getting a little louder and more alarming with every word. And with every word my gut sunk a little lower.

''And after that torture, they bring him here, to remind him what a mess of a childhood he survived. It's like another prison replaces the first one.'' Remus calmed down a little, making little steps and prolonging our little walk so he could keep talking. And now I could feel the lump forming in my throat. I remembered Sirius' exact words- _''You don't know how it is when you are fifteen and afraid that Cruciatus curse will kill you this time.''_ And they brought him here? What the hell was Dumbledore thinking?

''He is a wreck, Vivian. He talks far too little, he drinks and smokes far too much and he never smiles.'' With his last words, some kind of guilt started to surface, amongst the other terrible feelings. Why the hell guilt, what have I done to feel guilt?

''Why are you telling me all this stuff? Are you expecting of me to be some good fairy and bring joy and unicorns back in his life, now that he has a roommate refugee?'' I managed to whisper sternly. And just when those words left my mouth, I realized how self-centered, selfish and spoiled I sounded. Now I felt like a plain piece of shit.

Remus turned and looked at me oddly, but when he saw regret probably written all over my face, he sighed, like he was carrying a huge burden, not levitating few bags. Well, he sort of _was_ carrying a huge burden…

''Look. All that I'm saying is that you should try to tolerate him. He is not the most pleasant company right now, so just try not to take personally whatever he does. He maybe even remembers very little to none of you…''

At this, I was dumbstruck. There was a chance he didn't remember me? But he looked… Well, I couldn't exactly make out anything from our little encounter, but still… I didn't think he had forgotten. But hey, what do I know? I've seen him the last time fourteen years ago… I started to analyze everything I remembered about him, trying to make some picture of his character. Maybe that would help… I mean, he has to have _something_ left, right? Remus snapped me from my thoughts when he pushed the door of the third room on the left open.

''I can't say feel like home, because you probably didn't live in dusty, smelly old room. But hey, nothing's perfect.'' He smirked and left me to 'get comfortable'.

I found my wand and cast the first spell in a decade. I lit old, once upon a time probably luxurious and beautiful chandelier with five waxen candles. Now, I analyzed the room. Left from the door was some kind of a vanity with old carved mirror and little backless stool. Next to it was a huge closet (thank god for that), made from the same dark, rich wood and with same rich carvings as the rest of the furniture. Attached to one of the closet's door was another big mirror. On the sidewall were three tall windows with dark brown curtains. And in the middle of the room, right across the door was huge, king-sized bed with same dark brown sheets. Looks comfy, right? Hell no. Defeated sigh escaped me as I sat on the creaky bed. I was thinking to start unpacking, but I realized I didn't eat anything since morning. Well, this cheerful, cozy room has to wait a little.

* * *

I came down the bloody old stairs, trying to be as silent as possible, but failing miserably, because this stupid old house already shows its own hate towards me. As I approached the door on the right where Sirius disappeared earlier, I heard two conflicted, masculine voices. One quiet, firm and grim, the other one terribly hoarse, much louder and seemingly uncontrolled.

''Padfoot, you have to accept that-'' Remus started, but he was quickly cut off.

''Of course, Sirius has to accept! His only business is to accept! Don't ask anything, don't do anything, just be grateful your life is one big shite and accept! Well, guess what? I can't bloody accept anymore! This house is smothering me! And that awful house there in Surrey is smothering him! They're awful to him and now his scar hurts all the time and I can't even help him! I refuse to-'' Is he talking about… Harry Potter?

''But you have to, damn it! You know we can't do anything! You can't just turn into a dog and slaughter them all and let Harry ride you to London! He's safe in there, and you have to accept it.'' Remus' voice was now raised with a very impatient edge. It sounded like this discussion was led many times before.

Sirius showed his sulking making some strained sound like a growl and piped down. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to open the door, but my body wouldn't listen. _Stop it, you're going to live in here! Get used to it, better now than later!_ My internal rant was cut with one brisk, cold, almost disgusted sentence.

''Tell your little friend to come inside, since she doesn't have anything to eavesdrop on now.'' I cursed myself inwardly for forgetting his canine abilities and strong sniff. With clenched jaw and false calmness, I opened the door and casually strolled into the room. It was a kitchen, I realized then. Pretty old, with huge wooden table. But somehow, it looked less creepy than the rest of the house. They probably resided here most of the time. Remus was sitting on the side of the long table, massaging his forehead with his bony fingers, and Sirius was casually lounging on the back legs of the chair, on the head of the table. I almost smiled-just how I remembered him. I let the small smile fall on my face as my eyes flickered from Remus to Sirius. Remus gave me one of his kind, friendly smiles. Sirius looked a little weary, like he was trying to calculate how much time do I need to call the Ministry. I smiled a little more, hopefully looking friendly enough. Sirius scowled. I sighed and sat down.

''I'm sorry I heard your conversation. I didn't mean to, I just-'' My apologies died down when Sirius started to speak.

''…You were just accidentally standing behind the door, listening to a conversation which was not your business. No biggies.'' He drawled sarcastically and waved me off, but he looked somewhere to my right. I felt blush of embarrassment crawling up my cheeks. Remus gave Sirius one pointed, sharp look.

''Don't worry, it happens. Would you like to eat something? We don't have much, but we'll manage.'' Remus started to get up, probably to find something for me to eat, but I was quicker.

''Don't worry, I'll make something. I have to get used to this place, eh?'' I smiled again and went to find something. Remus sat back in his chair and looked a little awkward, probably thinking of the way to break the silence.

''So, how do you manage? 'You reckon you'll be okay being in here?'' Remus finally said.

''Oh, you know, I don't have much choice. With little cleaning it's going to be good enough. I have to make it a bit homey, after all, I'm going to live here.'' I answered pleasantly while putting ham sandwiches on the tray.

''Oh, joy.'' Sulky, quiet grumble. I pretended I didn't hear it, and kept talking while bringing our supper.

''Since you told me you're also staying here quite often, maybe we should make some schedule so three of us can clean the house and make meals and stuff like that, you know?'' I was having that on mind since I stepped in this hellhole and I finally got it out, with cheerier and higher than normal voice. I put the tray in the middle of the table and sit across Remus. He smiled and opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius was quicker.

''Oh yes! And then you can teach us how to arrange flowers and knit doilies!'' came with mocking, high, girly attempt. I felt some sort of humiliation forming in my stomach. I hated it, I haven't felt this pathetic in years. I just wanted to get up and smack him upside that dirty long haired, big head. I took a few breaths trying not to lash out on him. Taking a bite of the sandwich and waving off Remus' thank-yous, I pretended I wasn't offended with Sirius behavior. _He doesn't mean it. He is fucked up. C'mon, pity him._

''I… didn't mean to…'' How many times have I said that already? God, I'm feeling like a lost child who was caught doodling on the living room wall.

''I was just thinking…'' I tried again weakly.

''Well, stop. Stop thinking, stop prying, stop trying to change anything because this house is one big black hole and it'll swallow you and your ideas of 'home' and all that bullshit!'' Sirius barked, putting the chair back on its four legs with a loud _thump_.

My humiliation turned into anger, and before I thought of keeping my mouth shut, I spilled some idiotic words.

''What is your problem?'' I was on the brink of shouting. As quick as the words left my mouth, I realized how stupid was that question. And when he looked at me, at first slightly shocked, but then with the glare which could probably freeze hell, I wanted to rip my tongue. He stood up abruptly and I was eyeing his movements in fear, waiting for him to draw out his wand. Remus saw his expression too, because he stood up and tried to soothe the situation with one threatening '' _Sirius_.'' But Sirius ignored him, and did something which I wasn't expecting at all. He started to laugh. Hollow, awful, bitter, almost evil sarcastic laugh filled the room, with Sirius' twisted, maniacal expression on sunken face. Laughter that didn't reach cold grey eyes. He stopped as abruptly as he began and looked down on me, through fallen strands of dirty black hair.

''I've got no problems. In fact, I'm _peachy_. Everything's just _peachy._ '' He threw me another deadly glare and fled the room, slamming the door behind him shut. He left me there speechless, not daring to look Remus in the eyes and show him how many tears I was trying to keep from falling. I was drawing some circles on the old wooden floor with my fingers, trying to calm my ragged breaths and trying not to sob, when I felt comforting hand on my shoulder. When I looked up I saw Remus standing next to me, with a painful expression on his face.

''I'm really sorry. He's… Who'd know that _that boy_ would be just a memory?'' Now, I let the tears fall. I couldn't fight them. Lily was gone. Beautiful, fun, my best friend Lily was gone. James, too. He called him _brother from another mother_. Little Peter… As good as dead, if they find him. Sirius… Old Sirius, rebel with a cause, brave young soul, my first real love… dead. And I tried to wrap my head around this for fourteen years. And I thought I accepted it. But right now… It's like Sirius killed himself before my own eyes. Obviously I was having some hope that _something, at least something_ was left of him. Obviously, I was awfully wrong. I was crying silently, clinging onto Remus' arms like for a dear life. _Help me, Remus. You're the only one left._


	3. Life as we knew it

**A/N:** 221authoronbakerst, thank you so much for your review, I'm really glad you like my story! I hope it won't disappoint :D

Well, here comes next chapter, quicker and pretty longer than expected, but oh well, what to do. :D Enjoy! And of course, be free, tell me your opinion, ~review~

 **Disclaimer:** Nope, I still own nothing at all~~~

* * *

I went to bed pretty early that evening, but my exhaustion and tears didn't keep me awake for too long. I fell in some uncomfortable, restless slumber on that smelly old bed, praying not to get some germs or diseases. Understandably, I wasn't quite in the mood for cleaning up after my little breakdown. After some torturous, unconscious hours with weird dreams about Sirius beating me with a chair and Remus just standing by and smiling, I finally woke up, not quite rested, but it'd have to do. I looked at the little clock on my nightstand and saw it was already nine in the morning. I was wondering if this old clock was even working while getting dressed and when I was done, I went to the bathroom attached to my room. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. Yes, it was bloody old and smelly, but it was pretty luxurious with that sink and tub made of black marble. It would be awesome, after some fixing up and sanitization. I finally found the time to unpack my bags and put all of my cosmetics in the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, ready to wash my face when I spotted a huge rat under the sink and screamed. No, not that girlish screech when they run to the nearest chair and jump on it. This was more like a shout, and then followed one gasp and finally one juicy curse. After initial panic attack I realized that the smartest thing to do right now is just to ignore it, and start to clean the damn house after breakfast. Mentally patting myself on the back for some moral support, I reached for the faucet on the sink so I could clean my mouth off the toothpaste and finally wash up my face. But it started to gurgle on the weird way and something awful, looking like mud started to come out instead of water. Now I wanted to cry. The owner of the house hates me, the house alone hates me and I couldn't get away because Dumbledore thought the smartest plan was not to show myself in public so much, so I could do some incognito missions. _Fuck my life. Fuck, fuck, fuck._

I ran down the stairs not caring for the toothpaste leaking from my mouth and staining my shirt and jeans (they were old, after all), but giving just a little care for the fact that I was barefoot and this house was disgusting. Just as I approached the bottom of the stairs and prepared to turn right, not giving a damn if Sirius was there to make my life even more miserable, some awful creature appeared just in front of me and startled me.

''Kreacher can smell Mudblood and it's gross. Kreacher wants to throw her out the noble, beautiful home of purity and leave her outside to starve. Oh my poor mistress, she would die again if she found out what kind of filth walks through the ancient house!" What the hell? This is the house elf? Is he throwing a fit at me right now? Just as I wanted to respond with some insult, too pissed off with the happenings from last evening and this morning, I bit my tongue. What if he is just like Sirius, trapped in here and tortured his whole life? I decided to ignore his ramblings and with dignity (as much dignity as I could muster with the toothpaste on my face and clothes) I opened the kitchen door and got into the room. It was seemingly empty and I finally got to the sink and washed up. Refreshed and somehow collected, I started my search for some coffee… Except there wasn't any. _Now,_ I was really, _really_ pissed.

''Fucking, old, dirty hellhole! Bloody house elf! Fucking, stupid magic! Fucking, stupid Black! _Fuck_!'' I was yelling my nonsense to no one in particular, marching out of the kitchen. But I forgot that in this house, you shouldn't really be loud.

''MUDBLOOD! HOW DARE YOU TO BREATHE THE AIR OF THIS NOBLE-'' that blasted portrait started to screech. Oh, I needed just that right now.

''FUCK YOU, YOU OLD, TWISTED COW! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR ELF!'' I drew out my wand and stunned bloody bitch because I didn't know how to shut her up. Then I heard the other voice which really, really irritated me and I wanted to kick something.

''Oh, you're finding some topics with my mom. Weird, I didn't realize until now how similar are you two.'' He slurred the words, leaning on the wall on the bottom of the stairs, looking, if possible worse than yesterday and smelling of something like firewhiskey, cigarette smoke and horse shit. Awful.

''Oh, piss off!'' I shouted, flipped him two middle fingers and left him standing there half-conscious. So what if I was behaving like a teenage girl, even if I was 35? I couldn't bear to live like this.

* * *

After I calmed down enough not to kill someone, I came back to the kitchen in hope to find Remus there. Sirius was nowhere in sight and I wasn't in the mood for his insults, so that was a relief. I guess karma was sorry because she gave so much shit in the last 24 hours, so it sent me my savior.

''Oh thanks Merlin, Remus! Save me from this hell!'' I dramatized a lot, but unfortunately, I was only half-joking. Remus put down The Daily Prophet and chuckled.

''Well, good morning to you too. I assume you had some fun already?'' He asked with raised eyebrows and mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I sighed; looks like there was a rule- Once a Marauder, always a Marauder.

''I want to die. Please, please go and buy coffee! And food! And everything you can find for cleaning up!'' I was so desperate I started throwing galleons at him. He was openly laughing now.

''Okay, okay! Calm down! Sorry about the coffee, I made the last one to forcefully sober up Sirius, before you came yesterday. Fine, I'm going now, but only because you look pathetic.'' He was grinning and I hit him playfully on the shoulder.

''By the way, we have the Order meeting tonight in here, so prepare to see many familiar faces.'' Remus announced before closing the door behind him.

In this hole? Oh no, that can't be good. I don't know why am I acting like a good old housewife, but I didn't want for people to stay in some chaos more than necessary. I scanned the room, thinking where to start, when I spotted a tray with leftover sandwiches. Sirius hadn't even touched them, and he already looked like he hadn't been eating for a while. I shook my head, feeling anger rising within me once again. Well, if he would rather starve than eat what I've made, fine by me.

Remus came back after a while with all the stuff I asked of him and helped me clean the kitchen. It wasn't bad, we were talking and joking, and I was certainly in the lighter mood with him as my company. We were always getting along just well. Although, he was getting along well with everyone, he was one of _those people_. He was just telling me about some interesting escapades while he was teaching at Hogwarts, when I started opening drawers under the counter. Every one of them was full with half-empty or empty bottles of Ogden's finest. My light mood died and I stopped laughing.

''He was such a good boy, I was almost sorry to give him a deten- Vivian, are you alright?'' Remus was cleaning shelves with old dishes, so he didn't see what I was looking at.

''Forty-seven.'' I croaked, not able to make a proper sentence.

''What-?'' Remus approached me and realized what I was talking about. He sighed with recognition.

''And that is for the last two months. There are some more around the house, probably.'' He said grimly.

''But how? Where does he get them from? Why didn't you do something?" I started panicking for some reason. Sirius had a huge problem here.

''Because I'm an awful friend. All I'm doing is telling him to stop, and he never listens of course. I'm making the same mistakes as the ones when we were in school.'' Remus paused and awful, tired remorse crossed his face.

''He gets them from Kreacher, probably. He is, after all his master.''

''Well, we have to do something! We can't let him drown in his own sorrows!'' I was determined to change the whole place, and I didn't care how much nerves I had to lose.

''The problem is, he thinks he drowns his sorrows- his demons with alcohol. Apparently, it makes him… numb.''

''Well, he is a mess! _His demons_ drown _him_! It has to stop!''

''I don't know if you realized, but the only thing that holds him alive is Harry. He doesn't care about himself, he doesn't care about anything else-just Harry. And Harry loves him and has no idea about this side of him and we can't tell him. It'll ruin their relationship. We can't do much, because he won't listen… At least he sleeps sometimes when drunk.'' _At least he sleeps sometimes when drunk?_ This was getting worse and worse by the minute. I took a deep breath trying to control the lump in my throat and with one flick of the wand vanished those blasted bottles. I'm going to find that little elf bugger and threaten him until he stops bringing this shit into the house. With some last touches, like me putting a little plant in pot on the table, we were finished with kitchen, and I was proud with our work. It looked almost homey. Just then Sirius walked into the room, grumpy and cranky and looking like some hobo. He greeted Remus with quiet hello and rolled his eyes when I greeted him. I sighed and did what, it seemed, I would do very often from now on- I stepped out of my line and apologized for my earlier behavior.

''Black, I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning. I was just- This house can get little overbearing, you know?'' I said it in cheery voice, hopefully not sounding so fake. I was far from cheery, especially since I saw all those bottles and his worsened state.

''Oh, just sod off. I don't give a damn about your frustrations.'' He grumbled, scowling and again I restricted myself from slapping him, hard.

''I'll be in my room.'' I huffed and went to continue my cleaning and try to think about everything. And just when I finished all, I cast a look at all the garbage bags where I put Walburga's freaky stuff. Then, one great idea struck me. Remus told me about Kreacher's love for everything in this blasted house, and that his mistress was everything to him. I smirked.

I amused myself with rearranging my stuff and making all the pipes in bathroom get normal water with some improvised spells, when I heard familiar _pop._ I knew he would come.

''Nasty Mudblood trying to get rid of all the treasures of the house! Stupid, ugly bi-'' He started to wallow on the floor, looking like one disgusting meaty ball when I cut him off.

''Yeah, yeah, right. Listen to me now, Kreacher. I can give to you all of her jewelry if you promise-no, _swear_ not to bring any alcohol in here again. Disobey him, torture yourself, do what you think you have to, but never, _ever_ again bring him more alcohol. Understood?'' I said it so harshly and haughtily, like I was one of those Blacks, god forbid.

Kreacher's eyes lit up when he realized he's going to save his treasures.

''Kreacher swears not to bring any alcohol to young master Black.'' As he said it, some yellowish glow illuminated him. I nodded, remembering how strong elves' magic could be.

''Now give me mistress' jewelry, you vile excuse for a witch!'' He added hastily and I threw one of the bags at him, not caring about his insults. I was making some progress here. _Finally._

* * *

Around seven, I came back to the kitchen to wait for Order members. I was pretty nervous to see those people again; Remus had told me about sad destinies of some, like McKinnon's or Vance's, but he didn't go into many details. And one by one, they started to fill the room. Remus came first and stood by me like some moral support, and it helped me feel a little more confident. Next were professors McGonagall and Flitwick, who were exceptionally glad to see me.

''White, my dear child, I was afraid I would never see you again!'' Flitwick was beaming at me while I was fighting awkwardness and trying to remember when was the last time someone called me a child.

''Excellent at Transfiguration, I knew you would become an auror! Too bad you weren't around for the last few years.'' McGonagall's thin lips turned upwards, and for some reason, I was feeling like I successfully transfigured needle into the worm for the first time.

Then came Snape, with sneer on his pale face, and didn't even acknowledge me. Oh well. Hestia Jones, Mundungus Fletcher and the whole Weasley family came after and I was chatting freely with all of them, getting to know all those kids. I knew Molly and Arthur from before and they were always very nice and friendly, whenever I saw them. And to my delight, that didn't change at all. Before I knew it, Molly was hugging me and telling me how glad she was to see me while Arthur was grinning from ear to ear. And after initial greetings I was surrounded by a dozen ginger kids who were as pleasant as their parents, and of course I had to pick my favorites-those twins. Well, I certainly always had soft spot for troublemakers…

Then came Moody, a lot older, with some new scars and I was just too happy to see him alive and well. He was my mentor, my leader and my boss when I was working for the Ministry and I was always fascinated by his courage and wisdom. And when he saw me, something akin to genuine smile fell on his face.

''White, you sneaky lass, you finally decided to join us?'' He somehow managed to growl happily.

''Well, a vacation for a decade is just enough, don't you think?'' I grinned and everyone around me laughed. I hadn't felt this nice in such a long time. I was finally _home_.

In the next ten minutes everyone else was seated, while I was rummaging through the kitchen and bringing some food and drinks. After many ''Oh honey don't do that! At least let me help you!'' from Molly and me convincing her I was really fine, Molly ordered kids to go upstairs and tell Sirius to come to the meeting. And just when I wanted to sit down next to Remus, some very loud crash was heard, followed by Walburga's screeching. I started to get up to see what was that all about, when Remus stopped me.

''Relax, it's just Nymphadora.'' Wait… Did he say Nymphadora? _That_ Nymphadora?

And just as I was mulling that over, one twenty-something, quirky, bubblegum pink haired beauty came into the room, and I couldn't stop myself from rambling.

''Oh Merlin! Dora! You grew up! Such a beauty! Great hair!'' I bolted to her and hugged her like I would hug some lost sister.

''Yes, thank you! I'm so glad you like it!'' She was grinning and squealing just like me when I let her go and then she asked

''But wait, who exactly are you?'' With the same enthusiasm and grin. Ok, so she was hugging and beaming at the person she doesn't even remember. God, I loved this kid.

''Oh right, you probably don't remember me. I'm Vivian, we met when you were like, six and I had a mission to keep an eye on you. After that I used to visit you with-'' I started to explain but then the door opened and Sirius strolled in, still looking awfully sick and ragged, but at least he was sober. Dora greeted him with a smile and a wave and Sirius waved her back, still standing on the door. Dora turned back to me.

''With whom?'' She still had that childish grin. I almost started to cry when I looked at her. She was young and loud and wild and wore crazy outfits, just like I used to. She was everything I had lost with age and worries.

Her question startled me. I looked to the floor, then to amused Dora, then finally to Sirius.

''With…with Sirius.'' I felt the blush starting to rise on my cheeks and smiled a little at him. He just scowled, looking confused. Why was I again acting like a teenage girl? Well, probably because memories of our crazy relationship flooded me right then.

''Oh right, _that_ Vivian! Sirius must have been so in love with you, you are the only one of his girlfriends he ever brought to meet my mum!'' Dora snickered and playfully stuck her tongue at Sirius. He just looked bewildered, uncomfortable and on the verge of vomiting.

''Anyway, I remember you had that awesome, freaky purple hair! Why did you dye it black?'' Dora kept chatting, like that awkward moment never happened.

''Well, I guess I got old… Or I'm not the person who would have violet hair anymore. Yup, it's probably that-I'm kind of a different person now.'' I smiled even if I felt hollow and empty and my eyes wandered to Sirius again. He was looking at me like the first time on the stairs-with steady, analyzing, unreadable gaze. When he caught my gaze he just strolled to the table and sat on the head. The other end of the table was probably reserved for Dumbledore. I went and sat next to Remus and Dora sat across from us. Dumbledore came shortly after and meeting officially began. There weren't many things to talk about. Voldemort still didn't want for people to know about his return and the Ministry didn't want to see the fact before their own eyes, so they blamed all the shit happening in the world on Sirius Black, mass murderer, who was now looking bored out of his mind with those not so shocking news. Next, Dumbledore was talking about some missions in progress and all the information he gathered about Voldemort's secret weapon-which were few and not too important. Soon enough, the meeting was over and people started gathering their stuff. Weasley's decided to stay in here for the time being, after Remus' and mine professional persuasion, so they went upstairs to pick their rooms. Some kid Hermione, Harry's other best friend should be coming in two weeks, too.

Speaking of kids, on the meeting I noticed some very interesting things. For example, little Dora wasn't that little anymore. And she was casting too frequent glances at my dear Remus. Once I caught her ogling him and she blushed so madly that her hair started to turn red. I just snickered and winked. It was funny how much destiny could play with us. Right now I was watching her talking to him animatedly while he was listening, answering quietly from time to time and looking at her so tenderly, I almost felt jealous because I hadn't had anyone looking at me like that for a very long time. I remembered six-year-old Dora announcing on more than one occasion that she would marry him when she grew up. I was so caught up with her obvious giddiness that the sudden crash startled me. That crash was actually Sirius suddenly getting up from his chair and drawing his wand out. He looked so furious, I thought he would kill whoever found himself on his way. That awful, insane rage was directed, of course to Snape. I knew about their mutual hate, but I hoped it was controlled after so much time.

''Oh Black, put that wand away before you poke your eye out. It's useless in your hands, like everything else. Just make peace with the fact that you would be more useful dead than alive.'' Snape sneered while his eyes blazed with loathing.

As Sirius lunged at him, Remus realized what was happening and bolted after Sirius.

''Just let me at him! I should finish this piece of shit when we were in our fifth year!'' Sirius was growling with rage and trying to free himself from Remus' grasp.

''No, Sirius! Stop it, now! Snape, it's time for you to leave. _Now_.'' Remus was also very pissed off. I was praying for him not to join Sirius and kill that creepy sod with his bare hands. Snape just smirked, casually walked to the fireplace and disappeared in green flames. Remus let Sirius from his tight embrace and patted him on the shoulder.

''Don't let him get to you, Pads. He'll use everything he can just to rile you up.'' Remus sighed tiredly as Sirius calmed down a little. Dora and I were standing speechless, still shocked with the incident.

''I just want to beat him into bloody pulp, Moony. Him and his dirty, snivelly nose. Argh! I should just kill him while I have a chance. At least they could finally accuse me for some crime I've actually done, so I could just go to Azkaban like a real, badass psycho and not as a pathetic mistake.'' He said it so casually, as if it was some joke. And Remus started to chuckle. And Dora giggled. And I don't know why, (maybe because I too am insane) I snorted. Now Remus and Dora started to laugh out loud and I joined them. And as I looked up, I saw one worn out, dirty, rugged face looking firstly bewildered, and then giving me one little, almost inexistent and barely visible smirk. _Well, that's something new_.


	4. Don't worry, be happy?

**A/N:** kate3110, hi again! I'm so glad you're here to help me go with this one! :D I was really, really happy seeing your review, thank you so much! I hope you'll like the next chapter, I had some struggles with getting it right...

Enjoy, read and review if you like it or hate it or want to give some advice!

 **Disclaimer:** Nope. Nothing's mine.

* * *

Don't worry, be happy

The next few days were pretty peaceful and as normal as they could be in that old creepy inexhaustible source of cockroaches and rats. I started to accept the fact that I was going to remain trapped in here for the time being and the Weasleys were very helpful, cheerful and fun to spend time with, so my depression was cut to bare minimum. If I wanted some serious women's talk, I could always go help Molly in the kitchen. If I wanted to laugh and be silly, all I had to do was to turn around and see what twins and Ron were doing. If I wanted some serious discussions about politics and information about the outside world, I could ask Arthur or Bill whenever I liked it. But my favorite times were when we were all together, mostly in the evenings. Remus was here almost all the time too, and to my great delight, Dora was visiting quite often. After a week I finally got used to the house, which was in better state than the day I arrived, much because of our united forces to clean up. Now, every room which was being used was livable and I finally learned to find my way through the huge labyrinth of hallways. But, for some reason, I lacked courage and curiosity to snoop around. For example, I never went to the library or drawing room and some room next to Sirius' on which door stood just R.A.B. I was afraid some book enchanted with anti-muggleborn curses would attack me, I was freaked out with the noise coming from the room next to the drawing room and I was having a bad feeling about that mystery R.A.B. room, so naturally, I avoided going in there. And naturally, I never dared to step a foot into Sirius' room. It was just across the hall from mine, his door just two meters away from my door, and the door was always closed shut. Sirius… His condition didn't improve much during next two weeks. He was grumpy as ever and he talked only to Remus, Arthur or Tonks. He was avoiding Molly probably to get away from her nagging, he was avoiding kids probably because he was afraid not to lash out on them, and he was avoiding me because….well it's me. That Hermione girl arrived two weeks after my own arrival and she seemed a little bit up-tight, but I could see she was a kind person. After all, she was the only one who could find compassion for that gross house elf who certainly wasn't grateful for that.

A couple of days after her arrival, we were settled into nice routine. I would get up in the morning, get dressed (preferably into something thin and baggy because it was freaking hot), go downstairs to find Molly in the kitchen making breakfast and Remus and Arthur sitting for the table, sipping coffee and chatting easily. Mornings shouldn't be the time for some serious conversation after all. I would join Molly in the kitchen and she would give me one of her motherly smiles (even if she was only ten years older than me), and we would put breakfast on the table right on time for kids. Then they would trot down the stairs mussed and sleepy and usually still in pajamas (I was jealous of that. That was the only reason I was looking forward for their leaving the Grimmauld Place, I couldn't wait to walk the house in varying states of awful colorful childish pajama bottoms). Sirius wouldn't join us, of course. I was always wondering how the hell that man was still alive, even if he still looked like he was in Azkaban, when he wasn't even eating.

Well, one of those seemingly normal days, in the very end of July, I've got my answer. I was just dragging my legs to my bedroom on the laziest and most lackadaisical way ever, because it was so hot that fucking air was burning and I just wanted one good cold shower next to the open window. Admittedly, my abnormally low concentration and perceiving ability suddenly snapped to some very weird sound, coming from the drawing room. Usually, weird sounds were coming from the guest room next to the drawing room, but now that room was quiet. All I could hear was some odd crunching sound, like there was some living thing, breaking its own bones. _Relax Vivian, this place is full with vermins. It's probably some moths, eating away whatever rotten furniture was in there._ But of course, I wouldn't be irresponsible, reckless adult only by years and absolutely not by behavior, if I didn't go into the room to check it out. I slowly opened the door, feeling goosebumps rising all over the back of my neck, all because of an irrational dose of adrenalin. But, whatever was in there stopped whatever it has been doing when it heard the squeaky sound of the door. I was pretty confused now. Could moths hear? Nope, probably no. Because when I finally dragged my eyes around the old drawing room, I saw dusty couches, chairs and coffee table, some big rug? On the wall? Nevermind that, in the corner I saw something huge and black and I could see only its silhouette because the only light was coming from the hallway, where I was standing still and now really afraid. And when that huge, black thing moved I thought my heart was going to fail me. But then, it turned around and stood up and it could easily reach my chest with its tallness. And I recognized it. Black fur, wolf-like, grey-eyed animal was staring at me, carrying something dead in its mouth.

''Padfoot?'' I tried weakly. I knew it was still Sirius somewhere in his mind, but that didn't help me much. He was possibly even more dangerous and unpredictable than his animagus form. He just stared at me with those eyes, those so much _Sirius_ eyes, that I felt a little exasperated even in my state of shock. He just _had_ to analyze me even as an animal? I was still entranced with his eyes, so Padfoot startled me when he suddenly dropped _that thing_ on the floor, and I could finally see what that was. It was a dead rat. So he was surviving on dead rats rather than seeing other people and eating like a normal man. I silently cursed myself; in the last couple of days I was so caught up in that perfect illusion of the big family, that I completely had forgotten how many problems this man had. _Vivian, what kind of person are you? Why don't you help him? But he doesn't want it. Everyone tried. Even you tried, and he just keeps pushing you away._ I was, once again completely unprepared and startled when he moved again. Padfoot made a step towards me and started to growl. In that moment, he resembled some wild wolf more than ever and I suddenly remembered his fangs digging into werewolf's flash, a long, long time ago. And I was scared shitless. I quickly got out of the room and closed the door behind me, trying to remember how to breathe and how to use my legs to get away. Only one question was wandering around my mind- _What the hell has just happened?_

* * *

Nothing eventful happened another couple of days; We were still trying to make home out of that terrible place, the Order members were still passing by as it was some kind of a train station, we always had plenty of food, snacks and fun, and of course, Sirius was still repulsive, lonely prat and my stomach would turn uncomfortably with guilt whenever he crossed my mind. I had to repeat to myself over and over again that he was not my concern. But, that only made me feel worse. _Oh God, why is it already so hard?!_ And just when I thought that it couldn't possibly get any worse with him isolating himself and us doing nothing about his condition, that faithful night happened. That fateful night of his recklessness and my intruding nature triggered everything that happened later in my life (or so I believed). It was about one in the morning and I was in the shower, still trying to cool off a little and scrub away layers of sweat off my skin. I was actually trying to sleep before and this was actually my second shower for two hours but it was so unbearably hot that I was thinking of just sleeping on the cold tiles of bathroom floor. When I finally dragged myself out of the bathroom, cursing my insomnia and this weather from hell's depths, I heard something weird. Was it… grunt? Moan? At first I blushed, thinking that I heard something that I wasn't supposed to hear, probably coming from Molly and Arthur (excuse my perverted nature, I was sex deprived for too long), but then I realized that this floor was occupied only by me…and Sirius. I sat up in bed trying to figure out what the hell was going on. But then I heard it again, louder. And I shivered hard from that agonized, painful scream. I quickly ran across the hall and paused only when my hand was on the door handle. _Am I intruding? Am I prying again? God knows Sirius accused me of that whenever we spoke. But what if he is in danger? What if something attacked him?_ I could hear only my heart loudly thumping against my ribcage when that awful scream left his throat again, and that was my wake-up call. I gathered all the courage I had (which wasn't much, I was a Ravenclaw, after all) and pushed the door open, vaguely remembering that this kind of stuff happened just a couple of days earlier when I caught him eating what I saw now was much, much more painful and terrifying for me than his animagus form.

Illuminated only by streetlights coming through the dirty window, laying sprawled across the bed, tangled in sheets was Sirius, not peaceful or calm not even for a second, but still asleep. He was throwing himself all over the king-sized bed, moaning and screaming with twisted, painfully frightened, tortured grimace on his already ruined face and all I wanted was to make him stop. But then my panic attack mode decided to kick in and I was there frozen, getting through the gears of my brain sluggishly slowly and hoping to find something _, just fucking something_ to help him. I tried to steady my breathing and simultaneously recall all the things Remus had told me about Sirius' problems. And my panic attack subsided, only for some awful mix of guilt, fear and pity to replace it. He couldn't sleep. He slept only when he passed out in drunken stupor. And then, as if my senses switched on by themselves, I sniffed and alcoholic stench hit my nostrils, which meant that he still had his little stock of alcohol. I've let myself to dwell on fury for that little evil elf for a moment, but Sirius let another painful grunt and got me out of my detailed images of dead elf. Aaand here it was, panic attack again. But this one was good, this one made me to run across the room and crouch next to Sirius' bed. I really needed to wake him up and try to soothe him a little. I was having nightmares when my parents had died, so I tried to remember what helped me in those dark times. I vaguely remembered my grandma holding my hands and wiping tears off my face, whispering that she's here and it's all right. After that one flashback on my depressing youth and another throaty, agonizing and painfully tired half-scream coming from Sirius, I didn't hesitate even for a second longer. I sat on the bed and grabbed him firmly, but not roughly by the shoulders.

''Sirius… Sirius! Wake up!'' I tried to calm down my nerves enough to keep my voice from frightened wavering. He just let another strangled cry, not even feeling my gentle shaking. So, I tried a little harder.

''C'mon, Sirius, please wake up!'' Now my voice was going along with my hands, firm but gentle. ''C'mon… Please, you have to wake up!'' But my words came to sudden dead end when Sirius' eyes fluttered and he screamed so heart-achingly that I felt tears threatening to spill from my own eyes.

''James…N-no!'' he sobbed and I sobbed along. _Oh Merlin…. It's been so long… And he is still trapped in the worst night of his life._ He kicked and waved his hands, hitting himself, hitting nightstand, hitting headboard, hitting me. And I didn't feel it at all. I was trying to keep what was left of my soberness and tried to grab his frenzied hands, letting hot tears to finally spill down on my cheeks. This was one of the rarest times that I cried because of him. No, not _because_ of him, _for_ him. So this is what it looks like to have completely, utterly fucked up life. To have zero motivation for living. I wanted to fix him so badly. I _had_ to fix him.

I finally caught his pathetically thin wrists and pinned them down on the bed, clenching my own tired fingers powerfully against his obscure bones. It was so sudden that his eyes finally fluttered open, gazing through sticky strands of black hair up at me with the most bewildered, childish, scared, pure look I have ever seen on him. He was like some lost child, afraid of his own loud breath in that moment. And it only made me want to cry harder, but I clenched my teeth. He always had brave, wild, mischievous, calculated, clever, lively look on his face. Never like this, never this vulnerable.

''Hey… it's fine. Everything's fine. Just breathe.'' When I think about it, I don't know where the sudden need to care for him like he was my own child or younger brother came from. I carefully put his bony hand on the bed and pushed one strand of his hair away from his face. His eyes widened even more, still not being fully awake and conscious, but then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I noticed his ribcage moving obscurely up, under his white, dirty T-shirt. God, he was so skinny he looked sick. I slowly moved my gaze back on his face, now with calmer, quiet expression and still closed eyes. And again that need to take care, to _caress_ him took over. I barely touched him with the tips of my fingers, tracing the line of his still perfect, even if unhealthily sharp cheekbone. He had such a perfect face back then… Smooth forehead, aristocratic high cheekbones, perfect nose, not so thin, but not enough plump to call _plump_ lips, and that beautiful sharp jaw line which was my favorite and _only mine_ to kiss and caress. _Ruined body, ruined soul? No. I would not allow that._

When he felt my feather-like touch he took one shaky breath, as if he was trying to relish on the sensation for as long as he felt it. It was my sign to keep going, or so I thought, so I finally plucked up courage and touched his cheek with my whole hand, feeling his rugged beard under my palm, along with rough skin under my fingers. I wasn't even aware that I was the whole time whispering to him some nonsense, trying to soothe him. I was so caught up seeing him in his fragile state that I hadn't even realized my huge mistake until it happened.

His eyes snapped open, suddenly awake and again dead and cold, but somehow in the same time burning with furious madness. He grabbed my hand roughly and pushed me off the bed, on the floor, falling down with me and in the same time feeling with his left hand around the nightstand, probably to find his wand. I was so shocked with his sudden movement that I didn't even realize that I was pushed off the bed, falling on my back and feeling immense pain in my spine. He finally found his wand and straddled me, poking me with his bony knees in outer thighs and held his wand against my throat. He looked like a different person, like he didn't even recognize me, with paranoia written all over his face and those eyes full of terror. I gulped.

''Sirius! It's just me! Stop it!'' I finally found my voice and even if it sounded higher pitched than usual, it was still reprimanding. That awful frightened madness finally left his eyes, only for immense rage to replace it. _Fuck. This looks even worse._

''What are you doing here?!'' He was yelling with his raspy, hoarse voice, anger seeping through the every word. I was praying to higher forces for other occupants of the house not to wake up and see us like this, me extraordinary panicked and terrified under Sirius with mad glint in his eyes and loathe written all over his face.

''I was- you were screaming- nightmare- I was just-'' I tried to make some coherent sentence but it didn't really worked out as planed.

''Wha-?! How did you even hear-?! Fucking bloody hell, get out of here!'' He barked and growled and I had a half mind to imagine him turning into Padfoot and ripping me to pieces. Instead he got up, with his wand still pointed at me and still looking like he wanted to kill me, only now some form of defeated humiliation filled his features. I quickly got up, trying to gather as much dignity as I could and fled the room, leaving him there _again_ , fucked up and alone. I shut the door of my own bedroom, still frightened and above all else confused, and when I heard door across mine snapping shut with the sound echoing around the hallway, I slid down my won closed door and let the tears and quiet sobs escape me. I couldn't bear to watch him like this anymore, and now for real.

Little did I know that in the same time, in the room across mine, curled up in the exactly same position against the door one man was sitting, staring off to space, disgusted by his own actions and above else, scared with his own emptiness.


	5. The dawn finally comes

**A/N:** kate3110, I'm glad you understood my new version of Vivian, I was afraid I was making her a little bit more OOC... I'm so relieved that's not the case :D Well yeah, I really tried to portray the situation they are in, the new war coming even if they haven't yet dealt with the old one...

So, here's the next one, enjoy, r&r if you like it or hate it :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination :D

* * *

The dawn finally comes

Even if I was starting to feel depressed, I couldn't quite show it. Nobody else in the Black household knew what had happened a couple of nights ago and I had enough decency not to mention it. Well, I was probably just justifying my lack of courage to say something or _do_ something for that matter, by saying I had _decency._ Everything was just normal, like it was before the incident, and I was telling myself that that was good, that normal was nice, that there was nothing I could possibly change. And that satisfied new Vivian, the Muggle one. The one that wasn't loud enough, wasn't strong enough, wasn't troublesome enough. And I loathed her, I wanted her to disappear. There wasn't any place for her here, where I could be the old me, the crazy and loud and obnoxious me. I could be cool enough and friendly enough of person that Lily Potter took for a best friend, who James Potter loved almost like a younger sister, who made Sirius Black fall helplessly in love with.

I was trapped in my own skin, in my own little existential crisis while hours inevitably tickled, turning into days and everything was driving me crazy with overthinking…And finally, inner, old Vivian rioted and it felt that I was waiting just for her to wake up.

''Remus Lupin! You tell me now how to find that little elf!'' I just got up one morning after a week, feeling finally _ready_. I dressed up quickly and ran down the stairs, seeing, as always, Remus and Arthur chatting and Molly making breakfast.

''…Good morning to you too, Viv. Care to explain shouting in the early hours?'' Remus gave me an amused smirk, his honey eyes curiously flicking to mine.

''Nothing much to explain, just one house elf to get killed.'' I smirked viciously and Arthur raised his brows, with the smile which was saying he didn't quite catch what I was talking about.

In that moment Molly emerged from the part of the kitchen meant for making food, waving her wand and balancing plates with toasts, sausages, butter and eggs.

''What's with you this morning? You look quite jumpy.'' She smiled at me as she was arranging food on the most reachable places on the table. ''Not that it's a bad thing, mind you. You were pretty sulky for the last couple of days.''

''Well, that passed now, so this is what is left of me. You better get used to it now.'' I grinned devilishly as I saw the looks they were giving me. ''Since no one wants to help me, I'm going on an adventure called _find the house elf_!'' I snatched one sausage from the table and ran into the hallway, bumping on my way into Ron who was dragging his long legs down the stairs and rubbing his eyes tiredly.

''Oh, sorry Ron! Good morning! Have you seen Kreacher somewhere on your way down?'' Ron was looking like he was sleeping with his eyes opened.

''N-'', yawn, ''-No, sorry. You ought to just give up, who knows where he is.'' He mumbled and smiled good-naturedly at my frustration and restlessness.

''Never mind. Go eat, Molly made some delicious sausages. You better get there before the twins.'' I grinned at his sudden awareness and trotted up the stairs.

''If I was the maniacal house elf who hates people, where would I hide?'' I was mumbling to myself, pacing down the corridor where Sirius' and mine room were. There were also a mysterious R.A.B. room, a library and drawing room. And again, I could hear weird noises coming from the guest room next to the drawing room. Maybe that was Kreacher's room? Maybe he was making noise just to annoy 'mudbloods' and 'blood-traitors'? I carefully slid down the corridor, making extra effort to be quiet while passing Sirius' room, and just when I reached for the door handle-

''Open that door and get yourself killed, you idiot.'' I heard irritated, hoarse growl behind me and recognized it instantly. How could I stand there and not hear him sneaking around?

''What, you're going to kill me because I'm trying to get into the damn room?'' I retorted quickly, trying not to sound so pissy and sulky. Also, I was trying to control my voice from nervous cracking. No one knows what's in this guy's head, after all… _No! You can't be afraid, you have to help him!_

''No, I wouldn't bother. What's inside will probably kill you.'' I turned around trying to hide annoyance from my face.

''Fine! Where's the house elf?'' I finally got some reaction except mild annoyance and disgust with my bare presence. He looked firstly surprised, then his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

''What do you want from him?'' He asked warily.

''He promised not to…'' I started to explain but then I realized I was giving way too much information about possibly missing alcohol to a possible alcoholic. ''Never you mind that, just call him, he'll have to obey you.''

But alas, Sirius may have been living through hell and back, and he may have lost his sanity a little, but he was still smart. Barking mad, but smart.

''He promised not to bring me any booze?'' He tried to sound casual, I could see it, but slightly alarming undertone of his voice and flick of anger in his eyes gave him away. ''Well, good for you, he didn't want to bring me any more than I already had. You reached a whole new level of insufferable. It's because of you, isn't it, you idiot woman?'' Now he stopped trying to mask his disgust. If someone saw us right then, they would think I had betrayed Sirius in the worst possible way, judging by his reaction.

''Does it even matter if it was me? If it wasn't me, nobody would do anything!'' I was annoyed with myself now. Why did I have the urge to justify whatever I was doing to help him? I was helping, after all. It had to be a good thing.

''Why do you think I need saving?! I don't need you, I don't want you here, I lived before you came along and I will keep living without your nagging and all this idiocy!'' Sirius barked in that famous I'm-better-than-you-but-you're-pissing-me-off sort of way. He was trying to be smug and not to reach 'down on my level' but I was poking him in the eye, for the lack of better comparison.

''You'll die from liver cancer before you even admit I was right! Stop acting like a goddamn child, Black! Can you just open you eyes, you know, just this much,'' I put my thumb and my index finger to almost touching distance, ''and just try to look at this from mature point of view?!'' I was yelling now, maybe even with the same fury as his.

''What do you want, White?! What do you expect?! Did I ever get the chance to even be mature, when half of my life is rotten and-'' It slipped. I could see on his face that he didn't want to share that with me and all of my anger vanished, with all the traces of offence and irritancy. He suddenly grew quiet, gazing directly into my eyes with the exact same expression I saw on the stairs when we met for the first time after a decade, just when I said his name. His expression was so hollow and haunted, so much tortured and angry with life that it was barely human. His eyes weren't human, for sure. Too scared of something, too furious, too empty.

''Can you at least try?'' I barely finished my little plea when he cut me off, annoyed once more.

''Just sod off! Leave me alone, for fuck's sake!'' He spat, once again looking at me like I was something lower than him. I stepped closer to him, making disgusted face as my eyes trailed on his form. I sniffed around him and made a grimace. I was acting like a bitch, but desperate times called for desperate measures. If he didn't want me nice, he will get me at my full bitchy mode.

''Charming. Such a good influence on Harry. It's August, you know. He'll be here in a couple of weeks. He'll be delighted to see you like this, believe me.'' I said it haughtily, probably looking like some pureblood, spoiled, arrogant jerk and putting my best blank, cold mask on, even if I could feel sour taste in my mouth after I said those words. I have just kicked him where it hurt and I could see it on his face. He wasn't furious anymore. He looked confused, then humiliated, and finally, defeated. I regretted the existence of my own big tongue realizing I may have fucked up situation even more now, but I had to push it to the end, now when I got so far. He just ducked his head, and avoiding my cold stare turned around and quickly, almost clumsily retreated to his room and slammed the door shut. The slam of the door was so loud that I thought it was just one more fast beat of my heart, which could be heard in my ears and felt in every little cell of my body. _I may have just ruined every chance for this man to ever talk to me again._

* * *

After dodging many awkward questions about yelling on the first floor and trying to behave normally and not worry myself sick with Sirius, my attention finally snapped to something new-we had the Order meeting very soon.

Three days later, exactly an hour before the meeting, one miracle happened, the first of many in the future. I was sitting at the table with Remus, Tonks, Molly, Arthur and Bill, discussing some possibilities of Voldemort publicly declaring his comeback early. Arthur and Remus took the discussion pretty seriously and started to show off their knowledge of politics and I was trying to follow them, but something else was more interesting. As Remus was having some meaningful monologue about Death Eaters among werewolves, talking in his quiet, pleasant voice, but yet with the sharp and almost ferocious edge in it, I noticed Tonks' gaze on him. He was so caught up in his little rant that he didn't even notice her, like most of the time. I was feeling sorry for the girl, really. She was just so cool, outgoing and nice that she would certainly make his life better, but Remus didn't seem so interested. And the saddest part was, I was catching her looking secretly at him like that, like he was the best thing that ever happened to this world more and more often. She didn't even do it on purpose, it was like whenever he was talking or moving she would just zone out. The worst times were, probably, when he would smile at her. She would become all awkward and even clumsier, that I was getting really frustrated with Remus' ignorance. Was he really that stupid, or he was pretending because he didn't fancy her?

Caught up in my little get-Remus-and-Tonks-together fantasy, I was startled with sudden silence in previously loud and lively room. Everyone was looking somewhere behind me, with gobsmacked expressions and varying phases of slack jaws. I assumed someone got into the room (possibly Voldemort himself, judging by their collective state of confusion) and I didn't hear the door opening behind me, so I quickly turned my head to the general direction of the door, almost getting a whiplash at my sudden curious movement, and what I saw justified reactions of my friends, because now I joined them.

There, on the doorway, stood Sirius Black. Technically, there's nothing too much weird with that, since we were all in his kitchen, but his looks made us speechless. Sirius Black, the ever biggest arrogant aristocrat stood on the doorway, probably enjoying a little all the attention we were giving him even if he would rather die than admit it, and he looked _clean_. He was wearing clean, jet black, thick robe, probably to hide his sick skinniness, his hair was cut and now it was barely reaching his bony shoulders, falling in thick, shaggy, neat strands around his face. His shoulders were slumped with his tattooed, scarred hands deep in his pockets. _Just like in old days_. His beard was very short, bordering between overgrown stubble and well-kept facial hair, drawing attention from his sunken cheeks, at least a little. He was looking almost like the person I had once known, except from his obvious malnutrition and that notorious, sickening dead look in the eyes.

'' _Cousin_?! You look… Actually good!'' Tonks was the first one to regain her ability of speech. Now, Sirius looked a little sheepish and scowled. If I hadn't known better, I'd think he even blushed a little.

''Padfoot? What brought this sudden…'' Remus waved his arms in Sirius' general direction, looking at him like he was possessed with some monster, ''….change of… This sudden change?!'' Sirius ignored his best friend, and others probably thought he didn't even bother to hear the question, but as he approached the table and his usual place, his eyes quickly flicked to mine. I was still shocked into silence as I barely managed to catch his look, but he quickly turned his head, sat down at the head of the table and casually started to balance on the hind legs of chair. He wasn't looking at anyone in particular, but I knew he could feel our bewildered gazes in his direction. We were still quiet and I saw him trying to ignore us, but he was getting a little annoyed. He drummed his fingers on the table in some leisure, steady rhythm and then he scoffed.

'' _What_?!'' He almost barked but somehow controlled himself so it came out like some kind of deadpan. When he looked at us, staring at him still completely frozen, he rolled his eyes once again and sighed tiredly.

''I don't know any spell to fix my teeth.'', he mumbled and ducked his head, yet again looking utterly uncomfortable with all the obvious attention he was getting, now when his grand entrance was over.

''Oh! Don't worry about that, just let me fix them for you!'' Molly suddenly jumped from her chair and hurried to Sirius, who was a little startled with her sudden eagerness.

''Just try not to…'' But we never heard Sirius' suggestion because now Molly started her work and we could see Sirius' painful grimace. It was almost like Molly was a Muggle dentist, just without all those instruments and uniform. _So, that settles why all the magic people I know have so nice teeth._

''...I just remembered something. I'll come back for a sec.'' A sudden thought struck me and I ran from the kitchen, up the stairs and into my room. I had given some money to Remus so he could bring me different kinds of necessary first aid potions a couple of days ago, and I knew I had the one with Vitamins and appetizing effect somewhere in there. When I finally found it, I thumped down the stairs, tripping myself a couple of times and praying to Merlin not to wake up that bitch on the painting. I finally succeeded to come back into the kitchen, carrying a little vial proudly, because I was finally somehow useful in this place. But as soon as Remus saw me, he started shaking his head violently. I got the message and hid the potion in the back pocket of my trousers, with one raised brow. What's so wrong with bringing the potion to Sirius? I was still looking bewildered and Remus caught my expression, so he quickly motioned to the part of the room with counter and hanging cabinets full of ancient crystal and porcelain dishes. We sneaked around Sirius and Molly who was still probably torturing him, if wizarding teeth fixing was nearly as painful as Muggles'.

''What's wrong with me bringing the potion?! It'll help him get a little bit stronger!'' I hissed to Remus, irritated with alarmed looks he was giving me.

''Do you know who are you trying to help, Viv?!'', Remus hissed back impatiently. ''Did you see his face when Molly persuaded him to fix his teeth?! It's not just because he doesn't trust you-and he _really_ _doesn't,_ believe me, it's also because he doesn't want to admit he needs any help! He'll just get angry and go back to his old self!''

I thought for a second about Remus' reprimand. He was right, Sirius would probably freak out, being all paranoid and self-destructive.

''We have to take it slowly. Firstly, we have to persuade him to eat meals with us, and then you can be sneaky little fox and slip that potion into his pumpkin juice, or something.'' I nodded, once again agreeing with him. Remus smiled pleasantly, obviously relieved when I pushed the vial into one of the cabinets in the far left. I just turned around and started to walk back to the eating area when he pulled me by my forearm.

''Viv, I don't know what you did, but you did more for one week than we all have done for a year. Thank you… He'll probably thank you, too, some time later.'' He grinned at my sheepish look. He didn't know the price of Sirius' sudden change of heart… He didn't have to look at the humiliation of the man whose emotions and happiness had been ripped from his soul, again and again for twelve years, easily, like they were the layer of snake's skin. Remus didn't have to feel shame and regret and self-hate while purposefully hurting one tortured man, just because there didn't seem to be any other way. He didn't have to be stressed 24 hours a day for the whole three days, thinking that maybe it got even worse.

So I just smiled with my eyes carefully avoiding Remus' and walked to the table, not aware that I was going to sit there for an hour, barely catching Dumbledore's words while checking almost every minute if Sirius was still present, if he was still _normal_ , if this wasn't some twisted dream of mine where things started to get better. And half way through the meeting, grey eyes met blue. Grey eyes flicked with life, and maybe even a little mischief, just for half of a second. Blue eyes sparkled with their own happiness and pride, and a little bit of shame because they were staring so obviously, and quickly turned to Dumbledore. Blue eyes didn't catch the grey eyes sparkling and the lines forming around them. The lines which were made only by mouth, which were twisted upwards, in the little, almost invisible, but genuine smile. The first real, easy smile in the last twelve years.


	6. Not so tough road anymore

**A/N:** kate3110, I was in quite a dilemma while I was writing Vivian, because she is in a difficult position and I'm not sure I'm delivering her struggles appropriately. That goes for Sirius, too... But I'm glad you like it! I hope I'm fulfilling the expectations with this one... And it has a little of Remus and Tonks, too! :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination :D

* * *

Not so tough road anymore

The morning after my little victory over Sirius' stubbornness brought another joyful couple of moments. I woke up and washed up like every other morning, choosing frilly blue summer dress for today and feeling instantly better when I realized it was a couple degrees cooler than the day before. I pulled the curtains and opened the windows, letting slight wind blow into the room and I got out, trotting down the stairs and tying my long, black hair up in the same time, pondering all the ways to get a new haircut… Maybe ask Molly to cut my hair, or to find some manual on magically cutting it by myself? While I was waging all the possibilities and making a first world problem out of one little haircut, I got into the kitchen while checking out my loose strands of hair in the glass of one of the cabinets and greeted everyone, not even glancing around myself. Only when I sat down next to Arthur and across from Remus, I realized Sirius' place for the table was occupied by none other than- Sirius. For the change, he wasn't lounging comfortably in his chair. Actually, he was looking quite out of place and displeased, like someone woke him up and dragged him down here…I quickly glanced at Remus as that thought crossed my mind. He looked up from his newspaper and smiled kindly, but with a little strained tug on his lips and I instantly knew he had something to do with Sirius' decision to join us for the breakfast.

''Remus, can you please help me bring the plates?'' I asked mildly, casting one threatening glance to Remus.

As he started to get up, Arthur decided to be a logical snowflake. ''Why don't you just conjure all you need?''

I looked at him utterly unamused, while Sirius ignored us all, not bothering to join the conversation, although his uninterested eyes shifted to meet mine.

''Where's the morning pleasure in that?'' I asked cheerfully, suddenly trying to become a happy ray of sunshine, even though I hated mornings as the most unnecessary parts of the day. Why couldn't we all just… oversleep it or something? Night was way better for doing things and living.

Remus nodded enthusiastically, trying to get away from there to the safe depths of dishes and old shelves and Arthur just shrugged, and just when I thought we could leave the damned dining area, Sirius decided to speak up and shock me into silence.

''You're not a morning person.'', his quiet, hoarse voice drew our attention on him and as he said it, he looked as shocked with himself as I felt. _He actually remembered._ His eyes widened just for a fraction of a second and then he looked down, with a little wrinkle on his forehead which appeared whenever he frowned. Then he made a little movement, as if trying to decide should he stay for the table or just disappear in his room and I just couldn't afford the latter. We barely managed to drag him down here, for Merlin's sake! So I quickly got a grip on myself.

''Well, I am for this morning, and I feel like arranging the table! Remus, kitchen, now!'' I tried to sound normal and restrain my voice from cracking, barely succeeding.

* * *

''What the hell was that?! Did you hear that?! He actually said the sentence which couldn't offend you in any way!" Remus' confused whisper could be heard amongst Molly's chattering around.

''Molly, can you please go to the pantry and check are there any oranges left? I feel like having the orange juice.'' I quickly cut off Remus, smiling at the petite woman.

''Of course, my dear! I could make some for kids, too, it's good you reminded me!'' Molly trotted to the pantry and I turned to Remus again.

''Does _that_ matter now, really? How did you get him out of the bed? Where do I put these vitamins? You know he has strong sense of smell, if he realizes we are _actually helping_ , he'll sulk for weeks!'' I was speaking in hurried, hushed tone, praying for Sirius to remain seated.

''We'll just pour it in his coffee and he'll not be able to sense it! Oh, it was very troublesome to get him out of there. I spent fifteen good minutes outside his room, giving him dozens of good reasons to get up, and trust me, it was tiring. I think I tired him out too, because here he is!'' Remus was still whispering while hiding the vial with the rest of the potion on the same place as before.

''And what do you mean, it doesn't matter?! Of course it matters! He was actually civil to you, and speaking about something which you two had shared once upon a time!''

''Don't get all enthusiastic over one damn sentence, Remus! He just blurted out something he knew about me accidentally, and that's all!'' I don't know if I was trying to convince Remus or myself.

And as we started to arrange table, that monotonous deed gave my mind the time to go far, far back into the past, where I was trying not to go for years. One particular, probably my favorite moment stuck into my brain and made me feel painfully nostalgic. It was the one memory of one spring morning, of one unimportant day, but I remembered it oh so clearly.

I was staying at his that night and some noise coming from the kitchen, probably from Lily, ever the early riser, woke me up very early for my standards. I remembered it was weekend and our free day and I slowly opened my eyes, only to close them quickly because of the bright rays coming through the half-shut blinds. I remembered his arm, so familiar and warm, draped around my stomach, so vividly, I could almost feel it right there, a decade later. I remembered musky scent surrounding me as a reminder of our lazy, tipsy love making after the night of the partying. I remembered turning slowly to face him, only to see just his closed lids, while his nose and mouth were buried under the white cotton sheets and his forehead was hidden under messy, black, soft mop of hair. I remembered me slowly sliding the cover off his face, just to see it on the bright sunshine, just to admire it while it wasn't annoying me with snarky remarks. I remembered the huge urge to brush his hair off his forehead and eyes and stroke it just to feel its softness. I remembered his lips forming in one genuine lazy smile, and he slowly opened those grey eyes, blinking sleep away.

''Vivian, honey, are you okay?'' Molly snapped me out of it and everybody watched me perplexed, while I was standing and holding a couple of forks, totally lost in my little memory lane. Everybody, except Sirius, of course. He was reading the newspaper, seemingly ignoring my existence.

''Oh, I'm fine, sorry. Just zoned out a little.'' I smiled and sat down, casting one glance at the man I couldn't recognize anymore, and for some reason feeling miserable.

* * *

After the breakfast and Remus and me expectantly watching very uncomfortable looking Sirius while he was taking small bites of toast, we heard some noise coming from the hallway and ignored it-it was probably just Tonks. And of course, we heard boisterous laughter and the next thing was her bursting through the door of the kitchen, loudly laughing at something Bill had said to her.

''You two are getting along pretty well, huh?'' Molly asked with warm glint in her eyes. She had a soft spot for the clumsy girl and she was subtly trying to push her to Bill. Fred and George started to taunt Bill, Ginny snickered and Bill just laughed it off, while Tonks started to be all awkward and I could see her casting frequent glances at Remus, who had, by the way, blank face plastered on.

''Oh no, it's not…'' Tonks started to explain herself, but it didn't help much because the tips of her short hair started to turn red. If I didn't know better, I would think she had a crush on Bill… And apparently Remus thought exactly that, because now I could see one little muscle pulsing on his jaw, while he pretended to stir some milk in his tea.

So, naturally, I had to fix that. ''Oh no, I'm sure Dora has someone else on her mind, and she's _over the moon for him_.'' Remus suddenly choked on his tea, coughing loudly, Tonks' whole hair turned red along with her face, and by some miracle, nobody else noticed anything weird. They just waved off my comment, realizing I was pretty close friend of Tonks' for the last couple of weeks, so I naturally knew about her crushes. Remus choking on his tea was just a coincidence, of course. I smirked at my own sneakiness, mentally tapping myself on the back for making them think about each other while keeping their little feeling trip secretive. Only, I wasn't the only one who picked up that something was going on, and that really surprised me. Sirius cocked an eyebrow at my smirk, as if he was asking for some explanation. I just glanced at Remus, and Sirius followed my look, and seeing Remus all worked up and uncomfortable, he seemed even more confused. I just rolled my eyes and engaged Tonks in some conversation.

The noon just fled past us, with several Order members passing by, and after the lunch (where Remus slipped some vitamins in Sirius' soup), I was finally having some alone time with my new best friend, while we were cleaning up. Molly was upstairs, helping Hermione and Ginny to fix some old robes for boys, Bill, Fred and George side-apparated with Ron to The Burrow so they could play some quidditch, Remus was in Diagon Alley and Sirius was god knows where in the house.

''So, Dora, what's up with Remus?'' I didn't want to mention it to her earlier because I was waiting for her to come to me on her own, but since she didn't, I had to interrogate her.

''What do you mean?" Always loud and lively girl suddenly became quiet and reserved.

''Honey, don't play stupid with me, I've seen all of it.'' I grinned to relax her a little.

''It's just… He doesn't see me in that way.'' She mumbled, busying her hands with some leftover crumbles on the table.

''And how do you know that? Did you tell him you fancy him?'' I flicked my wand at some plates to start washing themselves.

''Of course I didn't! He thinks I'm a child, and stupid and inexperienced. It would be too weird for me to tell him!'' Tonks ranted with horror-struck face.

''Oh, don't make that mistake! Just tell him, for Christ's sake! You can't possibly know what he thinks of you until you tell him! And, by the way, from what I've seen today, I think he was a little wee bit jealous of Bill. After all, I know him much longer than you do.'' And that did it, some spark of hope flicked in her eyes and she smiled widely. Playing Cupid could be such fun, eh?

* * *

A couple of nights later, something suddenly woke me up at 2am. And now I knew exactly what it was as soon as I heard it. Moaning, growling, sobbing. And again, I had no idea what to do. Blood froze in my veins with painful screams and pleads _Not James, please not James!_ And I shuddered, feeling fully awake but scared shitless. I had to wake him up, but if I step a foot into his room again he'll kill me probably. One particularly painful sob snapped me out of my dilemma and I ran to his room, with much more determination than the last time. And again, exactly the same scene was in front of me. Too dark to see anything but his barely lightened form twisting and turning, sweating and pleading for his demons to leave him alone. He was sleeping in some button-up white shirt which was sticking itself on his body, his blanket carelessly tangled around his legs.

''Sirius? Sirius! Wake up!'' Now I was shaking him roughly from the very beginning, remembering that he wouldn't hear or feel nothing softer. I can't describe how uncertain I felt in that moment. It was like I was hoping for him to wake up for his sake, but one small part of me hoped he would just keep sleeping so I wouldn't feel his rage when he sees me next to him. It was pretty fucked up situation, but I gathered all of my courage and soberness not to freak out.

And then he woke up, his hollow eyes suddenly snapping open, filled with fright, horror and pain. And unlike the last time, he was instantly awake. When he felt my arms on his bony shoulders he quickly grabbed his wand and pushed me off him, on the floor, with madness and paranoia washing all over him. Now I hit my head and yelped, my courage leaving me for a moment while he was looking down on me with spite and wand pointed at my head. When he saw me more clearly, his eyes accustoming on the darkness, he calmed down a little, but now annoyance mixed with shame crossed his worn face.

''I think I told you I don't want you in here.'' He growled, his voice rising with each syllable.

''So I just ought to leave you to drown into your own nightmares? I don't think so.'' My voice was breathy and squeaky at first, but I found some motivation to sound more firmly. With my newfound boldness came his little shock and he lifted his wand and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking utterly exhausted and defeated.

''Just leave.'' He was looking at the one spot on the floor, next to my foot and I barely heard his command…. Or plead.

''No.'' I found my voice and said it clearly and roughly and he knew I was too stubborn to give in. I stood up and he cast one confused look at me, as if asking _Why do you even bother?_ I sat next to him on the edge of the bed, on the respectable distance so he wouldn't freak out.

''Want to talk about it?'' I asked quietly, also looking at the wall, not daring to even glance at him.

''No.'' He answered after so long pause that I almost forgot what he was answering to.

''Okay.'' I was dying to ask him some questions, to find a way to stop nightmares. How often did this happen? Maybe I didn't hear him the other nights. What could we do to stop it? Maybe give him some calming draughts? No, that would only worsen his situation. We didn't need another addiction to add on his alcoholic problem. But I didn't ask any of it. I realized the best way to help in that moment is just to be there and be reliable enough.

So I just laid back on his bed from my sitting position, even if we were sitting horizontally, so my legs were dangling off the edge. I was looking backwards, to the street lights coming from the crack of the dark curtains on the big window, ignoring stickiness of his sheets and slight odor of the room which didn't see the fresh air for a long time. I could still sense some alcohol in the air, but in much less dose. And I was laying there, thinking about his coping with lack of his doping, not sensing one steady, analytical gaze in my direction. What startled me and shocked me into numbness was a feeling of bed shifting, then some weight appearing next to me. I quickly glanced at now laying Sirius, in the exact same position as me, with one foot separating us, looking at the ceiling.

A couple of minutes passed and I was on the verge of falling asleep, comfortable in my simple position, when I heard his rough, quiet baritone, yet again surprising me.

''So… You think my cousin and Moony should shag?'' I quickly looked at him, to see a little smirk on tired face. And I grinned and my heart skipped a beat. Even if it was a little rude and offensive remark to our friends, it made my weird little self quite happy. _This is promising._


	7. Dazed and Confused

**A/N:** kate3110, it's so much easier now that you think my descriptions are fine, really! So, that encouraged me to add even more confusion on Vivian's behalf... Btw, Harry's entrance is near enough :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize is JKR's, the rest is my imagination :D

* * *

Dazed and confused

I was someone's. I was belonging, finally. I could almost touch the comforting presence of _someone_ , even if I couldn't see even their silhouette, since everything was pitch black around me. I couldn't hear or smell anything and I was somehow aware that this was weird, even for a dream. _This is a dream, right? Of course it is, I've never felt so content in my life_.

I suddenly felt someone shaking my right shoulder slowly, but not in a gentle way. So, there goes my previous riddle-what was happening to me moments before was definitely a dream, since I couldn't grasp not even a trace of those pure and homey feelings. But here was just so fine, and even if I was feeling a little uncomfortable and stiff, I still refused to move. But that bothersome shaking just couldn't stop! If it were just a bit gentler…

''You should go.'' I heard deep, husky whisper somewhere on my right and when I finally opened my tired lids, I was met with Sirius' steady, and of course, empty gaze. He wasn't lying beside me anymore; he was now sitting on the edge of the bed, looking like he wouldn't mind some good sleep. I quickly glanced around me, only to realize it was barely dawn. It was probably around 5am, barely lighter than a couple of hours ago. I got up slowly, yawning and stretching my arms, simultaneously desperately trying to chase away the pain in my neck-consequence of the stupid decision to sleep on someone else's bed, and without a pillow, no less.

''But it's only…'' I tried to croak my protest, still in the sweet haze of deep slumber, but I trailed off when I saw his expression. He was looking more like a caged animal with every passing second, giving me quick glances which could only be translated as deep discomfort.

I got the message and waddled to the door, turning around to address him once my hand was on the door handle.

''Did you get some sleep?'' I mumbled, watching as his gaze wandered from my face to the floor. He just shook his head slowly, still avoiding my look and scowling. I was really trying not to react, but I heard a little sigh escaping me as the feeling of terrible remorse fondled with my insides. So I just got out of his room, closed the door with the smallest amount of squeaking I could manage and tiptoed to my room, trying to clear my head of all the loud thoughts and possible solutions for Sirius' insomnia.

* * *

When I woke up next, it was near noon. I jumped off my bed and quickly washed up, running down the stairs and praying that I didn't miss anything that was happening. Lucky for me, it was seemingly just another slow, hot day, since Molly was reading Witch Weekly for the table, Ginny and Hermione were braiding each other's hair and I could hear loud thumping steps upstairs, where the twins and Ron were trying to smother their boredom, probably. Remus, Arthur, Bill and Tonks were probably at work and Sirius was, yet again, nowhere in sight.

''And what's with you, missy? You slept through the day!'' Molly gave me one funny look over her gossip columns.

''Nothing important, just one restless night.'' I waved her off, serving myself with the coffee and deciding to skip the breakfast this day.

''Oh honey, that wouldn't happen if you had someone to tire you out, if you know what I mean.'' Molly waggled her brows as I rolled my eyes with a little smile.

''Mom!'' Ginny squealed from the floor, with mock-disgusted expression plastered on her freckled face.

''What? I didn't say anything! Merlin, Ginerva, what is going on in that little head of yours?'' Molly was teasing her only daughter while Hermione was giggling uncontrollably.

''Trust me, Molly, men and any kind of work out with them is the last thing on my mind right now.'' I laughed and waited for Molly's witty retort. Seriously, when she wasn't being in her mother hen mode, Molly could be quite silly and fun to talk to.

''There's a mistake! I mean, look at all these bachelors in the house! There's Remus, then Sirius, one of them could always keep you… satisfyingly tired.'' Molly was making a little monologue, trying not to burst out of laughing on the sight of Ginny's and Hermione's now for real disgusted faces and me snickering. But then we all shut up, seeing Sirius standing on the doorway, looking utterly gob-smacked and judging by his expression, he had heard a great deal of our conversation.

''Err…Perhaps I should come back a bit later.'' He stuttered looking almost adorable in his awkwardness and embarrassment and all but ran out of the room. Now none of us women could keep it, so we all burst out of laughing, until I felt little tears of mirth on my face. _Merlin, this is a mad house!_

* * *

Four days passed in a steady, sticky with drastic high temperatures flow. I was feeling, after that one night, yet again well rested without screams to wake me up in the middle of the night, but pondering on more than one occasion was I just tired, or his nightmares stopped… I was hoping for the latter. For the durance of those little boring four days, someone would think that nothing happened, but there were those little things to keep me on my toes in anticipation.

Firstly, there was constant electricity in the room whenever Remus and Tonks were sitting together and I just couldn't persuade the girl to finally do something concretely. She was all over him, but just with her eyes, and I could see her desperately trying to be cheerful, bubbly and interesting with her quirkiness. She didn't look like she was lacking the self-esteem, so I was very perplexed with her hesitation. On the Remus' behalf, he was much more discreet than Tonks, but you had to be pretty good with reading one werewolf and his struggles to know that he wasn't indifferent. For example, there were those little moments whenever he heard her voice and his eyes would light up, or whenever he was talking-he would always look directly at her when he spoke, even if it regarded all of us. And finally, he was more moody than before, his calm and collected self slowly slipping from his grasp. He wouldn't go to the extremes like Sirius would, but he was close enough. What's with the Marauders and their oblivion to any emotion concerning women, I'll never know.

And of course, there was Sirius. The greatest thing with the potions was that, unlike Muggle remedies which had to be consummated for some time only to have little effect, potions would work almost immediately after you take them. So, four days after Remus and me sneakily feeding Sirius vitamins and appetizers with his every meal, there he was, eating healthy and ravishingly, and finally, gradually getting more weight. It happened so fast, just in the couple of days, that everyone started to get suspicious, but no one dared to mention anything. It was rather interesting, and a little bizarre sight, too. It was like looking at a plant growing on some documentary footage. There he was, a couple of days later, looking normal. His skin wasn't that awful shade of sickening yellow anymore, it got a healthy, almost normal color, if a bit too pale, probably from his bad sleep habits and occasional smoking, whenever Mundungus brought some cigarettes. And even if he was still always dressed in too big robes, I could see his shoulders nicely fitting the material, and sometimes, when he would grab onto something or do something with his hands, I could see strong and healthy male wrist and long and still slim tattooed fingers, not those creepy, almost corpse-like. Certainly, the change was most evident on his face. Those hollow cheeks and cutting cheekbones finally filled out a little, lighting up his face and making him look more his age and less the man everyone outside the Order thought he was.

And finally, the fifth day, just when the thought that everything's getting better crossed my mind, I accidentally bumped into him on the stairs while I was on my way to collect some dirty laundry from my room to bring it to washroom. He was coming down the stairs, still drowsy with sleep and we almost collided, but stopped ourselves on time. I smiled up at him casually, like I would at any other person in the household, finally used to his more frequent presence around. He just looked down on me with carefully indifferent face, but I could swear that I saw a flicker of life in those eyes. Even if he was physically better and in a lighter mood, his past was haunting him almost every second and that dead look in his eyes just couldn't disappear. But right then, when I saw that _something_ , I suddenly felt an almost-forgotten flip in my stomach. I finally noticed it: Sirius Black was, for the lack of better phrase, one pretty handsome bloke, even in his thirties. _Oh, God. No._

I was staring at him for god knows how long because in the next moment, his nasty temper had to resurface and ruin my little haze.

''Will you move?'' He was, as always irritated with my mere presence, and my own annoyance started to rise as soon as he spoke. I just moved and ran up the stairs, deciding to forget all about my shameful moment of weakness for broody ex-convict.

* * *

I should know that that day would be one big catastrophe, after that weird incident. But no, I had to hope that it's all better and all that crap. So, what happened just before lunch shook me hard.

I was just strolling causally to the kitchen, not even a bit vigilant. I was, after all, doing this for four days, taking turns with Remus for every meal. _Nothing could go wrong, right_? But alas, it was me in question, the major part of awkward and unnecessary moments in this house. So again in that day, one voice startled me, but instead of mild irritancy I could hear pure, undisguised fury.

''Care to explain what the fuck is this, White?'' Sirius spat, throwing the vial at me, almost hitting me. Luckily, I caught it with shaking hands, easily recognizing the potion.

''It's…'' I stuttered, not even daring to look at him. I could imagine his pissed off, raging face I've seen a number of times before. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little and force myself to be reasonable. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Yes, it was sneaky and without his knowledge, but it helped him a great deal, for fuck's sake!

''We were just trying to help!'' I managed to squeak out, suddenly ashamed with my lack of courage.

''How many times do I have to tell you, you idiot? I. Don't. Need. Your. Help.'' Every word was spat louder and louder and I was suddenly afraid that everyone would hear our little fight. ''And what do you mean, _we?_ '' He added and I felt even more stupid than the second before. _If I tell him that Remus was in it too, he will hold a grudge against his only best friend, too, even if it was petty and childish. Oh no, I couldn't allow it._

''Nothing! I meant _I_!'' I finally clenched my teeth and looked at him. His eyes had a little bit of that dark madness in them, that last regard from Azkaban which would haunt him probably forever. I was trying to reason with myself not to lose my own temper with the man whose views of help and friendship were obviously and irreparably twisted, but unfortunately, in these last couple of days I was gathering my self-esteem and bringing back my old fiery self. So naturally, the only thing that rang through my mind was his disgusted face, degrading, raging voice and flying offences and profanities from his mouth.

''How stupid can you be? You're not my fucking mother, you certainly aren't my wife, not even a fucking friend! Just one pest who can't stay away from other people's business!'' Now I had enough.

''Listen to me now, you arrogant jerk. I don't like you.'' _Damn truth_. ''I don't care about you.'' _Lie_. ''I don't even want to be around you.'' _Another lie._ ''But I have to, because I'm a _fucking adult._ Familiar with that word? Good. I'm an adult who is ordered to stay with you and, _oh, please forgive me,_ to try to stop you from killing yourself! So you're going to shut up this moment, before I hex you into oblivion, stop whining about your fuck ups, drink the rest of that bloody potion and be normal when your godson comes in this hellhole. If the child of Lily and James Potter sees you in any of your crazed states, I swear to God, Black, I'll kill you.'' I finished my pissed off rant with my eyes probably burning holes into gaping, shocked Sirius, turned around and marched out of the kitchen. Of course, I heard more profanities and one ''Stay away from me'' from him. And for the first time in the whole month, I didn't give a fuck about his feelings.

* * *

And in the same fucking day, that awful fifth day after Sirius' last nightmare, we had a sudden visit from Dumbledore in the evening. He contacted all the Order members and we all gathered in the kitchen, confused and partially scared. We were attending the urgent meeting and that meant something big had happened. I glanced around me; All of the members, looking thoroughly bewildered, like some children in the trouble, were sitting around me for the table, expectantly looking at Dumbledore, with various states of anxiety written all over their faces.

Dumbledore proceeded to explain the dementor attack on Harry, trying to ignore sudden outrage of all of us. We weren't showing much politeness right then, but the headmaster understood. And the biggest outburst came from Sirius, of course. He was already grumpy from our earlier encounter and right now he was positively enraged. When he finally calmed down a little, with crossed arms and foot tapping on the floor and eyes glaring bravely at Dumbledore, as if it was his fault, the greatest wizard of our time laid out the plan of action. But when one annoying prat a.k.a. the last offspring of Black family heard that we had to wait a couple of days before bringing Harry in here, he had to start protesting again. I wasn't sure if he was annoying me or amazing me with the sudden honest, bare show of pure, raw emotion-the love for his only true family.

''But he's going to go nuts isolated like that! We have to get to him much quicker!'' He barked from the other side of the table, uncrossing his arms and slamming the fist on the hard wood. I was, yet again, amazed with the amount of compassion he had for Harry. After all, who could understand loneliness better than Sirius Black?

''I know, Sirius, but that's the quickest we can. He managed all of the summer, nothing's going to happen if he waits just a little bit longer.'' Albus retorted calmly, patiently smiling at his former student.

''Easy for you to say.'' Sirius grumbled and crossed his arms again, yelping quietly on the feeling of Remus kicking him in the shin under the table.

After the biggest issue, Dumbledore started to give some other missions to other Order members.

Suddenly, Severus Snape cleared his throat, making his presence acknowledged for the first time in the evening.

''Excuse me, headmaster, but there's something else. Bellatrix Lestrange was finally spotted on the…meeting I had'' Sirius coughed, unmistakably one false cough and I was fighting my urge to laugh, even if I was still mad at him, ''and she had a little talk with the Dark Lord.'' yet again, the cough cut him off and now everyone was struggling to keep carefully blank faces, ''They plan on keeping something safe in some shack in Little Hangleton, so she is going to find Yaxley and Dolohov in five days.''

''Interesting. We need someone to keep an eye on them… Bellatrix can be pretty uncontrolled near Muggle community… Vivian? Could you do it?'' Crystal clear blue eyes fell on me and mix of adrenalin, excitement and a little bit of fear shot straight through my body. I was finally leaving this hellhole to go on my very first mission for the reformed Order. I nodded solemnly, mentally starting to prepare all the things I would need for a little scouting adventure.

* * *

After the meeting, everyone went on their respective ways, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I was making a sandwich for myself, (what's better than a late night snack?) when I heard door opening behind me and I recognized those easy, quick steps. I groaned inwardly and turned around to see Sirius frozen in place, looking at me chewing that bloody sandwich like I hadn't eaten for a week, his lips twitching like they wanted to curve into a smirk on their own. But he just cast me one dirty glare and turned around to leave the room… but I remembered something, the idea which was formed in my head as soon as Dumbledore told me about my mission. I swallowed my big, ugly pride with the remains of the sandwich and cleared my throat.

''Black.'' He turned back around, with his hand on the door handle, in the exact same position as I was when I was leaving his room that morning. I sucked in a big breath and mentally patted myself on the shoulder for moral support.

''I need your help.'' It came out more as a demand than as a proposal. He looked at me with raised eyebrow, not even trying to hide his amusement and interest, but still saying nothing.

''Since Remus is on his own mission…'' _God, this isn't easy at all._ ''I need to practice…'' _Am I really admitting my weakness to the last person I wanted to know that I even had weaknesses?_ ''I need you to train me. Since you're…'' _Am I really about to compliment him? This man, who annoyed me the most in my whole life? But I have to, I really need his help._ I took one more deep breath. ''Since you're a good duelist.'' I was mumbling and looking down, suddenly very interested in the pattern of the old wooden floor, but I had to glance at him, already prepared for taunting and cruel refusal, due to his hatred of me since I stepped a foot into his house and now, after our fight, probably despisal. He didn't even give me any vocal sign that he had heard me. I was met with that notorious analytical gaze, miraculously without a trace of mocking or disgust. He just nodded and left me in the kitchen, once again utterly confused with his unpredictability.


	8. Fight clubs and brave hearts

**A/N:** kate3110, from what I know about your preferences, I hope that the next few chapters will keep you amused since there will be some action :D Oh, I didn't know that it was good to read my work while listening to gods... Have to say, now _you_ made _me_ smile. :D So, here's the next chapter, the longest one yet, and it's a bit AU, but following canon as much as possible. :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Fight clubs and brave hearts

''C'mon. You can do this. It's not like it's your first time. You've done this already. He even agreed this time.'' For your information, that was me, talking myself into grabbing the handle of the door to Sirius' room. It was the day after our little deal and we agreed to start training the first thing in the morning, which was exactly now. I was standing in front of the blasted door after knocking a couple of times and him totally ignoring me, probably because of sleeping in. I finally managed to touch the handle, carefully sliding my fingers and palm onto cold brass, as if it was going to burn me. And just when I took a deep breath to push the door open, it was pulled roughly, making me completely lose my balance and stumble into the room, or more precisely into Sirius. I felt warm, rough hands grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing me off, steadying me safely back onto my feet in the process.

''What the hell?'' he exclaimed, looking thoroughly disheveled with his hair sticking in different directions and his eyes still drowsy with sleep.

''You already forgot about our deal? Well done, Black.'' I started my irritated rant, trying to ignore a sudden urge to smooth down his messy hair. It looked clean and soft, I could just- _No! Stop!_

''Well, I was hoping to get some breakfast first, since _certain annoying someone_ made me drink some bloody potions which make me think about food constantly.'' Sirius drawled, but it was almost…mild. He didn't have that mean look in his eyes, even if he was trying to keep broody appearance. He was in a good mood, for some reason. In fact, he was in a so good mood, that he willingly told me more than a one-word sentence.

''Oh.'' I managed to squeak out, feeling utterly ridiculous while staring up at his steely eyes. ''You're right, we eat first.'' I blinked breaking the contact and ran down the stairs, chastising myself for my sudden weird behavior. Maybe I was feeling awkward because we were alone up in the hallway? I walked into the kitchen with Sirius trailing behind me hoping to find someone in there… No such luck. Molly left the note saying she was in Diagon Alley and all the kids were still asleep.

I started to wander around, digging some ingredients from the pantry, occasionally asking Sirius what would he want to eat. We had a pretty civil, if not a little strained conversation while I was making breakfast, but it was more than enough-he wasn't his angry, mad self this morning. Of course he was still snarky and sarcastic, but the line was after that. We ate in a little uncomfortable silence, Sirius reading Daily Prophet and grunting occasionally, me casting subtle glances at him, feeling unduly giddiness with his physical improvement. And when he willingly addressed me, my pathetic mind started singing. Why did I want him to speak to me so much?

''Ha, check this out. I apparently broke into Azkaban and tried to help some Death Eaters in need.'' Sirius said dryly and rolled his eyes.

''Oh? Some new morning hobby? Congrats.'' I retorted, concentrating on smearing butter on the toast when Sirius snorted. _He just snorted. That counts as almost laughing._ I caught his look with the smirk on my face, trying to hide sudden rush of pride combined with discomfort at the fact that we shared a joke for a first time in a decade. I still wasn't used to him being… well _, him_ , so this was as new to me as it was to Sirius, probably.

''We should probably head down to the basement'' I said when I saw it was nearly 10am, not missing sudden stiffness coming from Sirius. ''I mean, Remus said it has plenty of space, since he fixed it up for his transformations.'' I got up and started towards the door, expecting him to follow.

…Except he was standing next to the table, looking somehow pale and panicked. When I turned around and saw him like that, he cleared his throat and said in scratchy, quiet voice,

''Sure. Let's go.''

And when we finally reached the end of the stairs and I walked into the basement, leaving the door open and flicking my wand to turn the lights on, I yet again caught Sirius standing frozen on the doorway, looking like they made him go back into his Azkaban cell or something. Maybe that was the problem? Maybe muskiness and dampness in the air and the overall dusty darkness of the room reminded him too much of Azkaban? But it wasn't so much different than the rest of this awful house…

''Black? What's with you and the basement? Want to find some other place for practice?'' I asked, trying not to sound to privy and sympathetically, because he hated it the most.

He snapped out of his little panic attack or whatever that was on the sound of my voice, and gruffly responded, ''Never mind, let's begin.''

I nodded, rolling the sleeves of my cotton, frilly white dress up to my elbows and waiting for him to get ready. He just fumbled with the pockets of his oversized robe and for a brief moment I was wondering how wasn't he hot, constantly dressed in that heavy, long material. My thought was forcefully stopped when I saw some hex flying in my direction and I was, of course completely unprepared. The hex hit me and I slipped and fell, cursing my lack of attention.

''Hey, I wasn't prepared!'' I yelled while getting up, rubbing my sore ass and glaring daggers at clearly amused Black.

''What were you gaping at? You can't expect Bella to ask you if she could torture you.'' He countered, rolling his eyes and smirking casually.

''I was just… _Rictusempra_!'' I was pretending to wipe some dust off my dress so I could catch him unprepared, but he just flicked his wand and made a shield, cocking one unimpressed brow at me.

''Really, White.'' He flicked his wand again and I was now fully expecting it, so I dodged the jinx and fired back. It was getting more interesting by the minute, heavier and heavier hexes flying around, quick dodges, shields and counter-attacks sparking.

After a couple of hours, he managed to hit me with several hexes while I barely grazed his shoulder once, and I was getting quite frustrated and tired of my lack of form, but I had to admit I was getting better. I was cursing my choice of clothing, seeing how my dress was slowing down my movements and just when I thought that, I realized Sirius was wearing a robe. I smiled at my own sneakiness, ran behind some barrel and cast a charm, aiming perfectly at his robe. It got so big that his hands and wand were covered in dark material and his legs were trapped effectively. He was confused for a moment, and I didn't give him the time to think it through, quickly lighting a small fire on the bottom of his robe, which was a whole 3 foot far from his body. He quickly took off his robe, jumping away from the fire and casting _Aguamenti_ on it when I jumped behind him and hit him with full body-bind. He fell like he was made of wood, face first on the floor and I let a thrilled chuckle come out of my mouth.

''Who wins this one, huh, Black?'' I rolled him over and sat on his frozen knees, pointing my wand at his face and grinning like a fool. Even if his face was stony and blank, he managed to roll his eyes and make me laugh even harder… until my eyes fell on his form. He was now robe-clad, wearing only Muggle ripped jeans, like the ones ( _likely that exact pair_ ) he had when we were together and white, short-sleeve T-shirt which was baggy, but fitted him perfectly now when he was laying, outlining defined, lean, not overly muscled (where the hell did he get that) body. And naturally, while checking him out, laying under me with that gorgeous combination of almost perfect body and aristocratic, stubbled face with long black hair, my concentration totally broke, and the spell wore off.

Sirius used his chance and ticked me to the floor, locking my arms none too gently above my head with his left hand and taking the exact same position I was in a couple of seconds before.

''Physical combat, White.'' He said leisurely, like we were drinking tea and talking about the weather. ''Many of them just forget all about it, too much of self-confidence they have, if you ask me. It helped me out of many shits.''

''Like when they attacked us in front of your apartment and you lost your wand?'' I breathed out, ignoring the pain in the shins from the pressure of his weight and uncomfortable stretch of my arms. And low-key ignoring his masculine scent mixed with soap and some soft cologne surrounding me. _Why did I talk him into being all clean and manly, again?! It does me no good, that's for sure._

His eyes flicked to mine as he released my arms, getting up and not bothering to give me a hand down there. But when I finally got up on my own something akin genuine smile quickly crossed his face. It was barely there, but I saw it. It made him look much younger and carefree.

''Yeah, just like then.'' He answered quietly, ruining my little illusion of young Sirius standing in front of me. Young Sirius would never talk so shyly and awkwardly. But he also showed me that he remembered, that the dementors hadn't really taken it all away from him.

He cleared his throat, not meeting my gaze but looking around the room. ''Can we get out of here now, please?'' _Did he just…. Say please?! Really now, what is it with him and this place?!_

''Right.'' I fell in step with him, suddenly realizing how much more comfortable I was feeling in his presence, now when we had beaten up each other good. ''So, same place, same time tomorrow?'' I said climbing up the stairs with him.

''Sure.'' He nodded and glanced at me with smirking face. ''You look like hell. Your hair is ruined. Your dress is ruined. Why did you even put it on? It only slows you down.''

I glanced down on my dress, which was in varying shades of brown now, cringing at my stupidity. I was only worrying about the fact it was still bloody hot, totally ignoring all the cons of wearing something white and womanly into the duel.

''I wasn't thinking.'' I winced at my stupid confession and quickly turned the subject on him. ''And why did you need that robe? It's freakishly hot and it does you no good in combat. I thought you of all people would know that.'' I was referring to his younger self, when no man alive could force him into Ministry Auror robes. He was always in his leather jacket, jeans and combat boots.

As on cue, he quickly hid his arms behind his back. I was now curious to see what he was hiding, but I didn't want to be privy again. Not now, when he finally started to act like a normal person around me.

So I tried to forget about his weird behavior and we reached the kitchen, finding Molly, Hermione, Ginny, the twins and Ron already in there.

''What happened to you two?'' Molly started to fuss around us the same moment we stepped into the kitchen.

''Black was just…'' I was trying to catch my breath and move the falling strands from my braid off my face. ''…training me. You know. For my mission.'' Molly just nodded and kids started to be all nosy and excited. Sirius found some Remus' forgotten cardigan on one of the chairs and quickly put it on, seating himself comfortably and engaging in the conversation with little pests. I watched dumbstruck, still not used with his good mood this day and slowly went to my room, in desperate need for a shower.

* * *

Showered and wrapped in a towel, I was looking myself in a bathroom mirror, with my too long black hair cascading down my back. And in that moment, all I could think was that it would get in the way. It was too long and yes, it was pretty, but it can only get in the way in the battle. And I had a feeling, that awful, cold feeling flowing through my bones and gripping my stomach, that there would be more battles than I could count in the future. So, I don't know what possessed me, but I was feeling some weird wave of determination and fighting spirit, like those warriors in old, muggle movies. So I conjured the scissors, gathered my damp hair in a low ponytail and just cut it, in two moves. Now, instead of falling in thick waves down to my lower spine, it was barely touching my shoulders. I styled it a little, not to look like an idiot and cleaned the mess up, satisfied with my little bravery, the whole time comparing myself with the Indians when they were putting their war paint on and making a whole ritual out of it.

I was back in the kitchen to find Sirius alone, and in the oddest position ever. He was lounging on his chair, somehow managing to balance on it and take a nap in the same time, and on his chest was a curled ginger ball of fur, also known as Hermione's surly cat. Sirius woke up on the sound of the door opening, looking utterly bewildered and panicked, but he calmed down when he saw me and stopped moving when the cat hissed at him. He shifted his indifferent gaze from me to the cat and they were having one weird staring contest, as if communicating without making any sound ( _yes, I am still talking about an animal_ ) and then it looked like Sirius suddenly remembered himself, quickly glancing back at me.

''Where'd your hair disappear?'' I still don't know why, but I realized right then that I liked Sirius the most when he was just woken up. Thus he would become somehow childish and vulnerable, all of his past regrets, horrors and traumas abandoning him in a couple of blissful seconds, leaving the pure beauty of ignorant innocence.

''I cut it. It gets in the way.'' I shrugged and waited since he looked like he wanted to add something, but he just closed his mouth, looking back at Crookshanks.

''Since when are you fond of cats?'' Whenever I asked him something, I was afraid I was being boring to him and afraid of his cruel comments. That stupid feeling didn't leave me even today, when he was friendly enough to anyone, even me.

''Not all of them, this particular cat.'' He waved me off shrugging his shoulders and scratching Crookshanks absent-mindedly, and that was my cue to leave him be.

* * *

The next three days passed in a very similar fashion. I would wake up, knock on Sirius' door on my way to kitchen, we would have breakfast with various people who would be there at that moment, have a nice little chat or just sit there in finally comfortable silence, finally used to each other completely. Then, we would go to the basement and he would torment me 'til the last drop of sweat, teaching me how to use physical combat in the sync with magic. I had to admit, Black was an excellent teacher. He would leave me to my own devices, to learn by myself my own mistakes and to think over my movements and make tactics. In those hours spent with him down there, I started to admire his competency and quick movements along with a little terrifyingly strong magic and quick sense for strategy. Maybe Azkaban had eaten a part of his sanity and dried him up almost completely, but he still had it left. And I could see it, he was enjoying it. And I could finally understand it-he was, for the first time in a very long time, feeling useful and being needed. And that was one of the reasons that kept him in a good, friendly mood.

The other reason came the fourth day, just when the Order meeting started, escorted by a group of Order members, looking completely confused.

We were sitting in the kitchen, trying to engage fidgeting Sirius in some plans of action or new tactics to ease his mind a little. He was desperately worried the whole day about Harry's arrival, impatiently bursting in the hallway on every little sound. When we finally heard the door opening Molly jumped, running out of the kitchen, probably to usher Harry up, into the safety of bedrooms. She was a little over-protective on the whole issue about giving the kids some information, but what did I know, after all? I wasn't a mother.

I could see Sirius was desperately trying to listen to Dumbledore and his information about Voldemort's secret weapon, but his foot was continuously tapping under the table, and he would nervously play with the spoon in his mug with twitchy fingers, occasionally glancing to the door or to Remus, as if asking him telepathically was Harry alright. But, my attention quickly snapped back to Dumbledore when he addressed me.

''Miss White, the moving of Bellatrix Lestrange is confirmed. I hope you're ready for your departure in the early hours?'' Dumbledore asked in ever so polite manner, his blue, wise eyes twinkling in my direction. When I nodded, he continued.

''You should expect to be absent for a couple of days, so I hope you're prepared to lack some sleep and warm meals.''

''I'm as ready as I could be. Thank you for your concern, sir.'' I said solemnly, getting one warm smile from Dumbledore before he apparated.

* * *

Molly sent Tonks to fetch kids for dinner, and while we were waiting for them to get down, I was positively getting more and more nervous, almost like Sirius was. I was trying to reason with myself that he was only fifteen-year-old boy and that he didn't even remember me, but I didn't know how to talk to him. _What to tell to the child of your best friend, whom you abandoned because of your own cowardice?_ _I heard his aunt, that stick in the mud Petunia Dursley was awful to him. Would it change anything if I have stayed, if I've at least tried to contact him?_

When I heard someone (most likely Tonks) stumbling onto something in the hallway and waking up that blasted portrait, I saw Sirius jumping up and bursting out in the hallway. Reluctantly, I followed.

And then, my nervousness transformed into shock. I was looking at young James Potter. Of course I saw some pictures in the newspapers, but looking at him in front of me, with that wild mess of the hair and lanky posture, I could only see my long gone friend.

Sirius hugged him and started animatedly to talk, and finally, for the first time before my eyes, a bark of happy, uncontrolled laughter escaped him. It was just so long ago when I had heard it for the last time, that the lump in my throat just appeared on its own. And pure happiness and bliss made that haunted look in his eyes go away completely. Sirius started to usher Harry on the way into the kitchen, or better said, right in front of me. And I was standing there frozen, barely succeeding not to gape at the kid's scar and desperately trying to say something.

And when Harry finally noticed me standing in the hallway with them, he wiggled out of Sirius' grasp and looked at me uncertainly with those eyes his mother had left him.

''Hello, Harry.'' It came out scratchy and hoarser than my usual husky voice, and I just knew I was giving him one watery smile. I could barely control tears in my eyes, but I managed to continue. ''You don't remember me, but I remember you since you were a baby. I'm Vivian, one of the friends of your parents.'' I finished, biting my lip to stop myself from jumping onto poor child and hugging him desperately. It was just that he was so much of a mix of my deceased friends that I really wanted to sob.

''Um… Hello.'' He gave me one little smile and then Fred and George came out of nowhere, ruining our little moment.

''Oh, you met Sirius' girl!'' Fred teased, grinning madly when Ginny gave him a glare. The twins were teasing me since they had heard from Tonks that Sirius and I were together, and they didn't want to stop it.

''I… _What_?'' Harry was now utterly bewildered.

Sirius scoffed, still with the huge grin on his face. ''Yes, as if I would be with such a clumsy pest. You know how much trouble that woman has with using shield charm?'' Sirius countered, draping an arm around Harry's shoulder and finally walking into the kitchen.

I was now even more in shock. Sirius was always ignoring the little jabs from the twins, and now he was openly joking about that? About _me?_

'' _Oh, be still, my heart_. What should I do now?'' I quickly gathered myself and played along, dramatically holding a hand on my chest, walking into the kitchen along with them and kicking Sirius in the shin in the process.

The evening passed in the most pleasant way since I got here. Everyone was fussing around Harry, Sirius was positively beaming, and even when talking about serious stuff and when he and Molly had a little row about the facts Harry should know, it was still okay. I was trying not to butt into many conversations, leaving the space for family reunions and trying to be fairly invisible. After all, Weasleys and Sirius were the most important people in poor boy's life right now, and it was clear that he missed them dearly.

After some time I excused myself and went to my room, mentally berating myself for forgetting about tomorrow. I prepared all the things I would need, charming the old clock to wake me up at 5am and tried to fall asleep, unfortunately unsuccessfully. It was the eventful day, after all. And for some reason, the last thing I saw before I drifted off was Sirius gleeful smile.


	9. Suicide white

**A/N:** Firstly, I'm so, so sorry for missing one week with updating, but I had a hell of a time with school and studying for college. I'll try to update the next one as soon as possible, since I know exactly what to write :)

kate3110, I think you'll love this one... There's not much Sirius, but it has a hell of a fight and I don't know if I was any good with writing it, because action scenes aren't quite my domain. Well, we should hope for the best, shouldn't we? So, if I failed, give me some tip, would you? :D  
221authoronbakerst, thank youuu, I hope you'll enjoy this one too. :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Suicide white

It was just too soon, too loud and too…scary. The old clock on my nightstand buzzed obnoxiously, startling me from my barely gathered slumber and I quickly got ready, trying to stifle a sudden urge to throw up. My nerves were making my whole body shudder and I didn't even notice when I thudded down the stairs, in black jeans and some old T-shirt, blindly making my way into the nearly dark kitchen… It was 5am, after all, and sunrise was barely grazing windows of the old quiet house, so naturally, I was surprised to find a little note next to an old dusty mug on the dinner table. It was written in elegant, sharp writing and I recognized it instantly- Dumbledore left me a portkey to the shack, all I had to do was to activate it. So I gathered my little backpack, magically expanded on the inside so I had some food and stuff in it and just when I wanted to activate the portkey, Sirius emerged somewhere behind the counter, holding a mug of something hot and steamy in it, and as he approached a wave of beautiful rich coffee aroma hit my nostrils.

''Why are you up so early?" I asked, hoping that, by some miracle, his good mood didn't leave him yet, even if it was so early.

''Couldn't sleep.'' He shrugged, bringing the mug with him and sitting on his stool.

I eyed his tired face, catching traces of sleep there. I was kind of baffled with his answer, but I shrugged it off-if he wanted me to know why he was awake, he would have told me.

''Well, I should be off, in about… ten minutes.'' I accepted his answer glancing at the big clock on the wall, then back at carefully blank face of an ex-convict, then to his mug which was sitting innocently in front of him and inviting me with its bitter, tasty smell.

And I wasn't so subtle about it.

Actually, I was looking probably so greedy, that when he brought the mug to his mouth, he caught me eyeing it, so he just sighed and I could see his struggle to keep a straight face. I didn't really understand what was so funny that it brought a glint of mirth in his tired, empty eyes, but then he put the mug back down on the table and pushed it towards me, trying to give me an exasperated look, but instead looking thoroughly amused.

''Drink. You'll need it.'' He said hoarsely and somehow tightly, as if he was trying to keep a bark of laughter from bubbling out.

But I just wasn't used to him laughing, so I shrugged off another strike of weird Black, gratefully accepting the mug without a word.

We were sitting in silence, him being awake Merlin knows why and looking as if he was barely managing not to fall asleep at the table, and me thinking about all possible scenarios for my mission, simultaneously recalling all the instructions I had gotten.

 _-Find the shack._

 _-Wait for them quietly._

 _-Take a look at what protective wards they are casting without getting caught._

 _-Take a good look at what they are trying to hide without getting caught._

 _-Don't be seen._

 _-If in danger, don't say a word._

 _-Be strong. Be brave. Be clever._

 _-Be ready to fight if necessary. Be ready to die if necessary._

I was finally calm enough to get up and concentrated enough to realize it was time for me to go on my first official mission. And just when I activated the key and reached for it with my left hand, Sirius stood up, making his way towards me.

''Be careful.'', he said, with a hint of something I could swear I would never hear from him again. _Be careful,_ laced with an honest, pure worry. I barely had the time to give him one weak smile and a nod, when I felt familiar sickening twist in my stomach, my head spinning and colors fading around me, my bones melting and lungs drying out.

* * *

 _Be careful_ , ringing in my ears and through my body, finally falling onto the cold, dusty street, looking around only to see foggy little houses in a grey village, bathed with the morning dew. I had barely enough time to get up and dust off my trousers, when I heard three different voices, sounding somehow panicked. I recognized them instantly; Irritating, maniacal shriek coming from the petite figure with wild black hair and matching black robe with the other two. Another one was grumbling something slowly, almost sounding a little brain damaged-that would be Dolohov. Yaxley was sounding authoritative and trying to make a peace between two seemingly arguing lunatics. I stopped abruptly on the sight of them, holding my breath and praying for them not to turn around, while tapping myself on the head with my wand and thinking about Disillusionment charm. After initial feeling of something cold dripping from the top of my head, I started making little steps, closing on them but still leaving good twelve feet between us and straining to hear what the hell they were fighting about.

''Don't you dare come near me or I'll kill you, believe me you big troll! You can't touch it, _he_ has given it specifically to me, his closest servant!'' Bellatrix was saying smugly, sneering up at the tall, grumpy Death Eater.

''It's just a fucking ring, you bitch. I just want to see what's a big deal about-'' Dolohov retorted with a glare of his own when a mad witch interrupted him once again.

''Just a ring? _Just a ring?_ Do you think that _he_ doesn't have good enough reason to send us here? Do you really doubt _him_?'' Bellatrix shrieked, sounding utterly scandalized and stopped to point her wand at Dolohov.

''Bella, enough! We don't have time for this now!'' Yaxley intervened, gripping Lestrange's wrist and pulling her towards their probable destination. For a moment there Bellatrix turned and my breath hitched when I saw familiar mad glint in her eyes, full of hatred and psychopathic rage.

'' _He_ 'll know about this, Dolohov. Believe me. And he won't be satisfied.'' She said with a sick triumph written on her face, and I glanced at slightly panicked Dolohov, seeing instant regret in his eyes. I could almost read his mind. _He shouldn't have whined. They had punished for much less._

They finally continued their little stroll through the village with me right at their heels, hoping for them to break the silence. But they kept quiet and now I was just praying that they wouldn't notice me, or even worse, stumble upon some poor Muggle.

Nothing of the sorts happened by some crazy luck and they finally arrived with their little spy on their destination. I don't know what was I expecting, but barely visible ruin certainly no. I wouldn't give it a second glance if I passed it. Well, maybe that was the thing? Clearly, they wanted to hide the ring for Voldemort, or in better words get rid of it as soon as possible. All of them were looking slightly scared, even the madwoman who survived Merlin knows what, being the second in command for blood-purist army. So, this had to be very, _very_ confidential.

I recast my Disillusionment, just in case, cast some spell Sirius had taught me, which would prevent them to find the traces of my magic and hid behind some nearby bush, in case they were going to search for some unwelcome visitors. And of course, soon enough they were casting some searching wards, but my protection was pretty strong because they couldn't sense me. I was thanking God, Sirius, Merlin or whatever force, feeling the sheen of sweat on the back of my neck, drops of it slipping down my spine and making me shiver.

When they were certain that no one was around, they started to mumble something to each other, pointing to the various holes in the roof and nodding their heads, looking like some sick group of architects. I patted myself on the back mentally for being so cunning to carry around one pair of twins' Extendable Ears, so I quickly took them from my backpack as quietly as I could and threw one end as far as I could from my crouching position.

''We should firstly cover it. Maybe with some branches? Wards won't hold if it's not in the completely closed space.'' Yaxley said and the two other Death Eaters agreed, and while they were simply levitating some branches to cover the roof, I was trying to memorize every movement, every sound and every word they were telling to each other.

Then Bellatrix proceeded to unlock the shack with the old set of keys (I was feeling slightly uncomfortable thinking what would happen if she tried to open it magically, seeing it was Voldemort's special place for special ring), and got inside, slightly coughing, probably from the stale air. I was feeling utterly useless standing there and watching them doing something really important, even if I couldn't understand why, but I knew if I tried to do anything, I would end up dead in this middle of nowhere before I had the time to send a single hex.

When Bellatrix got out of there an hour or so later, they started levitating some branches yet again, to secure the roof or something. This sitting on the one place for hours, not daring to move or breathe deeply was so tiring, but frightening because I was feeling like they could see me any moment now and it wasn't any easier listening to them talking how many people they tortured or murdered in the last couple of days. It was mostly Muggles, of course, or some witches or wizards who were not _important_ enough, so Prophet could easily cover up their deaths. I almost scoffed, hating stupid society and naïve people.

* * *

Two nights passed. It was the third morning. I was sore everywhere and in a constant state of hunger because I could move only at night if I wanted to stay alive, and only if the one on the watch went to pee or something, while the other two slept. In that rich time of couple of minutes I would manage to drink some water and take a bite of a sandwich I prepared for myself (I know, I was behaving like I would go on some real, Muggle scouting) and that would be it. Not a second of sleep, not a minute of relief. On the third morning, I was just hoping they could finish the stupid ward casting or just find me and kill me, I was _that_ desperate.

On that third day, my concentration kept breaking and I could barely memorize all the spells they were casting, apparently on the last layer of protection and I was barely conscious to remember to re-cast Disillusionment.

They were finishing up. Not quite done, but close, they were looking maybe even more exhausted than I was feeling, even if they had at least some sleep. After all, they were casting some seriously heavy spells and I was almost admiring them for their strength.

But then I moved. I moved only a little and something cracked under my left foot and I knew I was screwed. Yaxley was close to my bush and he could hear it, ever the alert one of three. He quickly turned and I stopped breathing, not even daring to blink, seeing him looking right through me. _Oh God, please no, please, please, please-_

''C'mere Bella, someone's in here.'' He said silkily, but a little strained edge in voice, probably trying to hide his own alarm. He realized the danger- _If someone, anyone knew about this, they would-_

Lestrange and Dolohov rushed next to him. They were all looking straight through me with their eyes wide, and I could hear drumming in my head. My brain was completely frozen with my body and I realized the only way to get out was to apparate. But for that I would need to move and that would mean more noise. They would certainly know someone was here. But if I stayed any longer, they would reveal me, that was sure. So I took a deep breath and turned around, shuffling through the leaves and grass, concentrating with the last ounce of energy on the sight of Grimmauld Place's front door.

Nothing happened.

Looks like they were more clever than me, casting anti-apparating spell while I was debating with myself in a middle of a nervous breakdown. Then it all happened quickly, all three of them cast some revealing spells, only Dolohov aiming well and I was horrified. Drumming in my head increased, with some crazy instinct for survival. I glanced at their confused faces, using their momentary shock to start running.

They were quick in their snapping out of shock and I could sense them running after me, with Dolohov shouting, ''Who the fuck is this?'' and Yaxley and Bellatrix shooting curse after curse. I don't know what was happening around me for certain; it all seemed blurred for me with my jump of adrenalin and utter exhaustion taking over. From time to time I would turn around and shoot whatever hex came to me in the moment, but my aim was miserable since I was trying to break the boundary of their non-apparating spell.

When I saw a green curse missing me for just an inch, I was positively frightened. _Run, don't stop, run, don't stop, c'mon-_

They hit me. I could feel invisible ropes binding me and I fell on the street with a sick sound of my ankle cracking. The pain of broken bone shot through my body which was before that feeling limp from the lack of energy and I think that I let some pitiful whimper, because I heard Bellatrix giggle while approaching.

''Are you lost, little girl? Do you need some help? We can help you if you tell us who you are. We can kill you five minutes later, you know.'' Bellatrix taunted with sickly sweet voice and horrifying rage flooded me, almost numbing the pain from broken angle and invisible ropes digging into my flesh. I was stubbornly glaring up at her, realizing with pathetic moment of weakness that _that_ would be the last face I would see in my life. Pity, she was an ugly bitch.

''Don't want to talk? But you have to, sweetie. I'll make sure of that.'' She kept taunting and then the worst happened. Something I was afraid of more than of dying.

'' _Crucio_!'' Every single muscle in my body, no, every single nerve of my body was ripping and breaking through my skin, which was burning like I was lightened on fire. I knew I was screaming, I could feel my voice cracking and scratching my throat, but I couldn't stop. I knew I was crying, I could feel the tear tearing at my skin as if the real drop of hot, molten lava was rolling down my cheek, but I couldn't stop that either.

One eternity later, it stopped.

''Be kind and introduce yourself, or I should teach you another lesson?'' Lestrange purred and I kept my mouth shut, the drumming in my head growing unbearable while I was struggling to take ragged breaths, my body twitching in the aftermath of the Unforgivable.

''Still nothing? You're the stubborn one… Well, more fun for me then!'' I just couldn't fight it. It was inevitable, I was going to be dead in the hour from now.

She cast a slicing spell now and I felt a dozen of invisible knives cutting me on my right leg, the one with the broken angle, on my right cheek, and on my left arm, slicing the sleeve of my shirt in the process, and I was almost glad. It was _almost_ bearable, comparing to the Cruciatus. Now I felt my own blood slowly making little rivers down my body and felt almost content, hoping to just bleed to death. It wasn't even that scary, when I think about it-

''What's that?'' Bellatrix shrieked and pulled my sleeveless left arm roughly, looking at my uncovered scar which was made by her about a decade ago. _Oh Merlin, no._

I would usually keep it hidden or cover it up with a pretty useful spell, but I totally forgot about it on this mission. And she was about to remember me. And I was about to put the whole Order in danger. And I don't know how, but with that knowledge came another wave of adrenalin and will to live- I had to warn them, I had to-

''You're my little cousin's mudblood slut! I remember you! What was it…'' She was squinting, trying to recall my name and looking curiously at her companions, probably hoping they would know the answer. And in their little dilemma, I felt it. The little ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. The binding spell was wearing off.

I smiled, with my mouth fool of my own blood, probably from when I was biting on my lip to ease the pain from Cruciatus. They didn't even notice it, still pondering in their little dilemma.

Then, it was yet again blurred and quick and all at once. I got up, somehow quickly even if beaten up. I disarmed Dolohov and when his wand flew into my hand, I stunned Yaxley, my adrenalin kicking in and making me move in flashes. Then I stunned Dolohov and pointed two wands at Bellatrix, who was somehow completely shocked, which was confusing me. She was maybe utterly sick, but she was a hell of a duelist.

''Vivian White, pleasure to meet you again.'' I croaked out and sent another hex at her, casting one hateful glare at her shellshocked face and then turning around and closing my eyes.

The next thing I knew, I was on the first step of Grimmauld place, gasping for air and pushing the door weakly.


	10. After dark

**A/N:** kate3110, sorry about the cliffhanger, I just wanted to do their next encounter right, so this chapter is a little bit passive but it has a lot of tension in it. :D Sorry for delayed update, I'm just exhausted and I barely had the time for this one. Anyway, I hope you'll like it :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

After dark

''What the f…White?!'' I heard familiar hoarse voice somewhere above me, right after he opened the damned door I was struggling with for the better part of the evening. Only now that hoarse voice wasn't furious, irritated or flat, instead it was panicked, bordering on frightened. If I wasn't feeling immense pain _only everywhere_ in my body, I would feel some sick satisfaction with this sudden burst of worry.

''What the hell happened?'' Sirius quickly picked me up and put my healthy hand around his shoulder, carefully carrying me into the house and closing the door with one kick. I couldn't even summon the strength to answer him, feeling, for the first time in three days, completely safe, and with that feeling came an odd sort of exhaustion. It was just so comfortable when I was ignoring pain, how could his shoulder be so warm and firm? If I could just lean on it a bit more…

''White? Answer me! Don't! Don't sleep! Don't do that to me now!'' When I scarcely opened my eyes again, I was met with Sirius' face very close to mine, with wide eyes filled with terror. It was like he was reliving some traumatic experience from Azkaban again, while carrying me up to my room, bleeding all over his robe.

'''m just…'' I mumbled, trying to keep my eyes opened for his sake, but my cloudy mind wouldn't let me be persistent in my little battle. ''I'm ruining another robe of yours.'' I buried my face further into his chest, missing rapidly calming of his posture, until I felt slight rumble against my face. He was _chuckling._

''Now is not the time for annoying me, you idiot.'' He countered and kicked another door open and I turned my head slightly to see Walburga's room which was making me even more content. My scents and my territory surrounded me and I even tried to smile on the sight of my bed, now cleaned of all bacteria and pests. It had my white cotton sheets on it and it was just so inviting.

''Put me down, want to sleep.'' I whispered hoarsely, feeling my voice betraying me and my mind even more clouding. Soon enough, there would be black and white grains in my vision to tell me I was about to pass out. _Ah, here they are._

''No, no, no! Don't you dare to fall asleep on me! Sit!'' Sirius was yet again in his panic attack mode and he sat me down on my bed, leaving red stains wherever my body touched the surface. My body literally spasmed for a moment, probably a consequence from Lestrange's Cruciatus, making all the wounds hurt tenfold. But, even that wasn't enough to wake me up. My body ached for sleep. Or for death, for that matter.

I didn't even notice when Sirius ran to my bathroom, searching frantically for something in the little cabinets.

''Where the fuck- White, where are your medic potions? I know you have some in here!'' Sirius' hurried voice rang through the bathroom and I concentrated on his form rummaging through my stuff, but I couldn't find a power to answer him.

I heard some more stumbling while I was fighting a losing battle with my heavy lids, when his voice, suddenly close to me, snapped me out of it.

''Look at me. Don't fall asleep. Can you hear me? Can you see me?'' He was trying so hard not to sound so panicked. I really didn't need that right now.

''Yeah. Hi there.'' I smiled weakly and focused my blurry vision on his raggedly handsome face.

''Good. Stay that way. Talk to me, let me know you didn't pass out.'' He was fussing with some vials and bandages, looking adorably worried.

''You actually…'' I knew he was right, I really shouldn't let myself fall asleep, so I obeyed him with great effort. ''…ask me to talk? I can't believe…'' I winced as he tried to move my leg to sit on the edge of the bed next to me. ''…I actually lived up to day to see that.''

On this, he actually snorted and visibly calmed down.

''Well, I wouldn't if I didn't find it necessary but…'' He trailed off when my body twitched by itself, again a consequence of Bellatrix' curse. That sudden movement, of course resulted with weak painful yelp.

''What the hell happened?'' Sirius asked while tending firstly my seriously damaged ankle. He started to wave with his wand all around the broken bone, and for some reason I was feeling oddly safe and content. I remembered his powers before, _before everything_ , and his ability to mend broken bones, even on himself.

''I was tracing them and they…'' I closed my eyes at the sudden jolt of pain after one quiet _Episkey,_ and after that a complete lack of pain in the ankle. It worked. But with that I felt even more pain in my bloody wounds and even more exhaustion with the loss of blood.

''Can you… give me something for blood?'' I mumbled sleepily and Sirius' eyes quickly snapped to mine, from observing my newly healed ankle.

''Oh. _Oh_! Here! That one's for blood replenishment!'' He now looked completely sheepish and so much like the young self, that I could almost read his mind. He was probably berating himself for being _stupid irresponsible jerk_ , how he liked to call himself.

I drank it and in instant felt much more aware of my surroundings, and unfortunately that doubled my pain. It was now sharp and persistent, making me almost sick.

''Well. They took some Voldemort's ring to some cottage and cast amazingly strong wards around it.'' I stopped talking when I saw Sirius staring at my leg uncomfortably. I didn't realize what was the problem when-

''Oh. I'll just take them off, then.'' The wound on my leg was well above my knee, on my thigh and I was wearing awfully tight jeans, making it impossible for him to clean it and bandage it.

And as I tried to take them off with my healthy hand, poorly struggling to even undo my fly, he was looking thoroughly out of place and confused, trying to look everywhere but at my pathetic tries.

And only when I let frustrated sigh escape me, did he bother to offer help with a slight waver in his voice.

''Yeah, thanks for noticing in no time.'' _Really, Vivian, is now the time to be sarcastic?_

He slowly unbuttoned my jeans with insecure, slightly shaking hands and peeled them off of me, and just when I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with him except the usual things, my concentration snapped to a fact that the jeans were leaving bloody, muddy trails everywhere. And then I realized how actually dirty I was.

''Can you take me to the bathroom? If we're going to do this properly, I really have to take a bath.'' And now he looked like a deer in the headlights. What the hell was happening here?

''Um, yes. Ok.'' He cleared his throat and stood up, waiting for me to follow. Seriously?

''…Black… My leg is still hurt… And I kinda feel dizzy.''

''Oh. Well, I'll just…'' He slowly took me in his arms like earlier this evening and walked to the bathroom, carefully looking straight ahead, as if feeling my gaze on his face. And all I could think in my state of utter post-tortured tiredness was how beautiful he was, even aged and so sad.

He put me into the bathtub completely ignoring the fact I was still dressed and reached for faucet when I stopped him with my healthy hand on his slim, but strong one.

''I'll have to get naked for this, you know.'' I said almost playfully and he gulped uncomfortably.

''Oh c'mon now Black, you've seen it all some years prior.'' I continued to tease him and he blushed, now helping me to take off my ruined shirt. ''I can proudly say I haven't changed much, so don't act so freaked out.'' Now his blush was gradually rising as he helped me take off my bra, leaving me only in my knickers.

''I'm not- shut up!'' He mumbled, still not looking at me but fixing the temperature of the water with now visibly shaking hands. Ah, I almost forgot how much I liked to annoy him.

He ignored my desperate attempts not to laugh openly and turned the water on and I felt sudden reduce of ache in my tired bones. It was so hard to care when this relaxed. I even stopped my ramblings, which only moments ago were helping me feel less uncomfortable with a man sitting next to my naked form.

''Do you mind?!'' I snapped, after numerous failed tries to take shampoo and wash my hair with one hand. Sirius, who was sitting with his back turned mumbled something incoherently and turned around to face me, looking at the floor and behaving like a teenage boy, all fidgety and awkward. He stumbled and sat right next to the tub and sighed, as if I was begging him to do me a huge, tiresome favor. Git. Git with great, capable hands. I was on the verge of falling asleep yet again with his hands in my hair and he yanked it a little to wake me up. And when I opened my eyes to give him one little deathly glare, I was met with his eyes, a shade darker grey than usual, with some melancholic glint in them, and something tingled through my whole body, making me shiver. I had the sudden urge to just pull his head down to mine and kiss him, just to remember.

''Um… I think it's enough.'' I mumbled, breaking the eye contact and blaming my dizziness and unstable physical health for this weird moment of weakness. He helped me to rinse away the foam and draped one of my big, fluffy towels around me, easily carrying me to the bed with more speed than necessary, almost tossing me on it and attempting to continue with cleaning my wounds.

Then, he made me start again with my story in order to stay awake and his already nervous mood gradually darkened as I went on with my story. I could see it in the way he was putting a potion on my wound (bloody stingy, that one) and wrapping it quickly and forcefully. When he was done with my leg, I was hissing in again awake pain.

''What's with this staying awake thing?'' I asked as he prepared bandages and gauze for my arm. He just rolled his eyes, getting, of course irritated with me but still not making any eye contact.

''I don't know if you have a concussion so you'll have to wait for potions to work. Are you still dizzy?'' he asked matter of factly, getting into his teacher mode, which I didn't even know he had within her self until a few days ago.

''Maybe a little. 'm fine.'' I rolled my eyes ignoring the throbbing in my head and slapping him when he yanked my left arm for better approach, with one loud yelp and a little curse. Then he chuckled a little, his rumbling voice soothing me and making me even dizzier in the same time, casting a quick glance at me with smiling eyes. I felt something heavy dropping into my stomach.

But then he looked at my arm and noticed my uncovered scar, the one with the motto of his family. He got very serious and tensed very quickly and I could feel some negative energy radiating off him.

''I…'' He tried, then gulped, then cleared his throat. ''I couldn't…'' he tried again, muttering with hoarse, dry voice while bandaging my arm, with terrible, haunted look on his face. ''They wouldn't let me forget.''

''They, who?'' I whispered, reminding myself of someone trying to soothe wild animal.

''The dementors, they…'' he closed his eyes for a moment, wincing and battling with himself, and I could see him breaking in front of me, and my breath caught in my throat. ''They would make me remember every one of the ugly ones… I don't even think I can remember good ones anymore.'' _Memories._

I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it quickly with a loss of words. _This man. This unbalanced, haunted man. This brave man._

So I just cleared my throat, remembering his loathing of any sign of pity. ''Well. I've got one more, here on my cheek, right?'' That did it. He finally glanced at me and leaned dangerously close, with a bit of potion on his finger, fighting the losing battle not to show any traces of previous weakness. And my crazed, dazed mind found him even more beautiful, now when this vulnerable. I was seriously in some shit, probably because of potions. Yes, potions.

He put a finger on my cheek and spread the potion slowly, concentrating on the wound and I felt like my skin was burning, and not from pain.

And then he looked at me, still dangerously close, close enough for me to feel his body heat and his _so male_ scent.

And I did something incredibly stupid. I don't even know what possessed me in that moment, but I reached and touched his hair. And that officially snapped him out of his… I don't even know what that was.

''Done.'' He rasped out and staggered to his feet, looking thoroughly bewildered. ''You can go to sleep now. I think you'll be fine.'' He turned to the door and mumbled, leaving me there confused with my own behaviour. And yes, I was quite exhausted, but before I fell asleep, I noticed one little thing-he left my door ajar and I could see light coming from across the hallway. _I could call him if I needed him. He'll be there._


	11. Thank you

**_A/N:_** kate3110, it's like you're reading my mind! I was just calming them down, at least until some storm comes ;) I hope you'll enjoy this one and sorry for delayed update, it's just that I'm utterly unorganized and I have so much on my plate now... Sorry!

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Thank you

 _Knock, knock._ What the hell? Why am I so sore? _Knock, knock._ Oh right, I had a little battle with three psychopaths, then I almost splinched myself while apparating _and then_ I was laying on the doorstep for some time. _Knock, knock._

''What?'' that was meant to be an angry shout, but it came out like a rather pathetic yelp.

''Viv? Are you awake? Can I come in?'' Tonks' worried voice came from the hallway.

''Come in!'' I retorted, trying to sober up a little and turn on my mind and body functions. Well, that certainly didn't work.

''Oh, Viv!'' Tonks gasped when she took a look on my desperate attempts to move quickly. She almost dropped a tray with my breakfast while gawking and I laid back into my pillows with a huff, feeling completely frustrated.

''I'm fine, really. Just need some time to…'' I trailed off, realizing on time that she was ignoring me while fussing around me. When she finally sat down on the foot of my bed, after making me eat and getting on my nerves, she started her good-natured pestering.

''So, what happened? Sirius told us he found you on the doorstep and he told us about your mission, but afterwards? Why didn't you send a patronus to me?''

''That wasn't necessary, Black took care of me.'' I answered casually, not even bothering to look at her astonished face.

'' _He_ took care of you? _Sirius_ took care of _you_?'' Her eyes were wide and her hair turned suddenly shocking blue.

''Well, it's only normal thing to do, I was almost dying on his feet… So yeah.'' I finished sheepishly, seeing her point but not wanting to admit it. _He wasn't normal._

''Cut the crap Viv, you and I both know he isn't the same person like before! Merlin's pants, what if he actually cares about you? What if he actually cares for another human being besides Harry?'' Vivian gasped, giving me a bewildered look.

''Now you're overreacting. He cares about Remus too, even for you and Weasleys and…It wasn't even…" I tried to be calm and reasonable but she simply cut me off. Really now, I was feeling like talking with a wall.

''…or maybe he doesn't like you because he likes you!'' Tonks screeched excitedly and I scoffed.

''That doesn't even make any sense!''

''Of course it does! He liked you once, why couldn't he like you, or, oh Merlin, even lo-''

''Enough of this! Now you're just talking some nonsense here!'' I barked, annoyed with her ramblings. ''Anyway, what's with you and Remus? Did you tell him already?''

Tonks smirked at my tactical change of subject, but didn't comment. ''Oh, I'm telling him. I'm telling him every day, actually. 'Remus, your shirt is sooo cool. Well, I think that older men have experience and knowledge which youngsters lack.' And my favorite one, 'Remus, your hair looks so soft.' It freaks him out, but I just love to see him flustered!'' She giggled and I chuckled, and that of course turned into howls of laughter.

When we finally managed to catch our breath, Tonks looked at me oddly.

''Look, I really think you shouldn't stop bothering with Sirius. I mean, yes, he is pretty fucked up, but can you… keep being here for him? You don't see your influence on him, but he is at least a little more bearable when you talk sense into him.'' She pleaded, and I couldn't help but feel some uncomfortable strain in my gut.

''It's not that easy, Tonks. We have some short history together, it didn't end well and up until now I was loathing him with my whole being.'' I sighed, admitting for the first time all of my doubts to someone other than my own self.

''I know, but just try. Trust me, it's going to be whole lot easier to you. On the end of the day, it's you who'll have to spend most of the time with him when Weasleys are gone.'' She smiled peacefully and I nodded just to stop her rant. I didn't want to think about the fact that my life in the next couple of months will consist only sitting with a madman in a haunted house. Yes, maybe I was being selfish and cruel, but I was frustrated with all the pains I endured in the last couple of days, and I just couldn't see even one bright spot in my situation. And just when I thought of that, I someone knocking on my door and slowly opening, not even waiting for me to approve.

Tonks' eyes snapped from mine and we both stared at now very uncomfortable Sirius.

''Oh. Tonks, I didn't know-'', he stuttered, not even looking at me but giving Tonks one bewildered look. ''I thought maybe she… I mean White…needed something. '' He finished, looking completely embarrassed and I was feeling completely disgruntled.

Tonks smiled at him good-naturedly and hopped off my bed, giving me one I-told-you-so look and smirking like a Cheshire cat. Se brushed by Black and winked at me, leaving me alone and confused with equally awkward man leaning on my doorframe.

''How do you feel?'' I couldn't discern was he looking at me or something else, because his eyes were hidden with strands of his black hair. His voice was carefully blank, but I was nevertheless shocked with his sudden act of concern.

''Fine, I…I'm fine.'' I finally managed to mumble and he just nodded, still hiding from my intense stare and turned to get out of the room.

''Wait, Black-'' the words tumbled out of my mouth before I managed to control myself and I cringed a little, clearing my sore throat. ''-Sirius… Thank you.'' I finished lamely, feeling syllables of his first name rolling weirdly over my tongue.

I could almost hear gears grinding in his brain and he turned his head a little to look at me and I felt some anxious jolt shaking my insides. He just waved his hand, as if to say it was no big deal and just left me, feeling completely out of place with our behavior. _What the hell was that?_

* * *

When I finally managed to get out of the bed, take a shower and soothe my aching body a little, it was almost evening. I went down the stairs slowly, dragging my heavy legs and yelping from time to time whenever I made some sudden movement.

I heard some boisterous voices from the kitchen and smiled, recognizing Weasley children and Hermione, along with Sirius, Harry and Remus. When I pushed the door open the laughter died down and everyone was looking at me worried.

''Oh no, Vivian, did we wake they wake you up? I told them to be quiet!'' Molly emerged from a pile of self-washing dishes, casting annoyed glances at her children and irresponsible adults.

''Don't worry about it, I woke up all by myself.'' I tried to smile kindly but in the same time I was trying to sit on the free chair next to Ginny, so I grimaced in pain with my yet-to-heal wounds.

''Tonks told us all about yesterday. Are you okay?'' Hermione asked with genuine concern on her face and before I got the time to answer, Remus cut in.

''She's a badass, don't worry about her. Padfoot, remember when Viv run into the fight with Death Eaters all by herself?'' Until then, I didn't even notice Sirius sitting next to Harry and giving me one of his steady, unemotional gazes. His uninterested expression slightly lightened up and he looked like he wanted to say something, but he simply nodded.

''Please, it was just silly and stupid. If it wasn't for James and Lilly and,'' I paused slightly, realizing that it was the first time for me to officially thank him for saving my life, ''and Black, I would be long gone by now.'' Harry looked at me with slight excitement in his green eyes, almost pleading me to tell him a story, but it was Black who surprised me, _again_.

''Silly is a small word for _that shit,_ '' he started and ignored one ''Sirius, language!'' from Molly and following snickers from children. ''That battle left me some nasty scar and I think my bones still hurt whenever it rains from then.''

''Please, Black, no one asked you to play a hero for damsel in distress.'' I scoffed and grinned when I saw mildly annoyed expression on his face.

''Just say thank you, you pest. I hoped I had taught you at least some manners while-'' He was going to say it, I could see that. He was going to acknowledge our little relationship and I was looking at him with raised brows, along with highly amused Remus who was following our little banter with mischievous smile. He was going to say it and I couldn't remember when I was more annoyed with the mere presence of usually lovable Ron than in that moment, when he butted in.

''Wait, what nasty scar? Can we see it?'' I was trying not to scoff when I saw Sirius' mood rapidly darkening.

''No, it's-it's barely there anymore.'' He said in a clipped tone and Remus sensed his sudden nervousness and smoothly turned the subject on Harry's parents. But I wasn't listening anymore. I was pondering the fact that my own scar was still fairly visible, even after all these years, and I know it didn't have any matter with the type of skin-it was dark magic and it would stay carved into skin probably forever. So why would he lie about it?

* * *

I couldn't wait to go to bed that night, or maybe I should say, to _return_ to bed. My bones were sore from sitting and I was feeling some quick, momentary jolts of pain from time to time, making me incredibly tired on the end of the evening. I was just so glad to lay down and rest, that I was feeling giddy when cotton sheets touched my skin. The night was promising to be a restful one…

No such luck.

Groans, yelps and half-screams. It was 2am and I knew what I had to do, for the third time in a month. Now, I was completely prepared and seemingly calm, taking lingering steps and deep breaths while his haunted voice sliced me like a knife. My movements were slower and labored, but firm. It took some time to get close to his trashing form while trying to escape his flying limbs. But now when I finally managed to sit by him, I had a new problem-he was a lot stronger than before, so now I couldn't just pin his arms to the bed. In the moment of despair and his uncontrolled gasp which made my blood freeze, I clung to his torso, hugging him tightly and calling him through his screams. I didn't even notice tears dripping on his long-sleeved, half unbuttoned shirt which was showing his naked chest and some tattoos I didn't even see in our mutual torture.

And then it subsided. I couldn't see him because my head was tucked in his neck, whispering pleads to stop, to wake up, to come back, but after him going completely still, I thought I made it-I thought I chased away his nightmare. So I slowly pulled my body up, carefully untangling my limbs from his and tried to sit up, when suddenly his hand caught my wrist and held it tightly, and I turned to him quickly, almost getting a whiplash, only to see his grey storming eyes boring into my startled, wide ones.

''What the hell are you doing?'' He murmured huskily and I gulped, trying to wet my completely dried windpipe.

''I- you had another nightmare and I couldn't just…'' I trailed off, searching in his empty eyes for some trace of familiar hatred and rage. Only I couldn't find any. Just dead look pointed at me, ruining that beautiful aristocratic face.

He sighed so heavily that my hammering heart joined my aching body, giving me one sinister feeling of something ripping from my insides. He let go of my wrist, leaving red trail and closed his eyes, slightly getting up and leaning his head against the headboard.

I didn't dare to ask anything. I couldn't, knowing that I would only worsen his messed up state. And just when I thought about leaving him alone, he ran his agitated hands through his disheveled hair and said,

''I've got those… Those dreams about Azkaban and about them every night'', he started to pour his ruined soul out for the first time in probably thirteen years, and I almost felt privileged. Privileged and cursed in the same time. ''I usually just cast silencing charms but I forget sometimes.'' He finished and it was my turn to sigh.

''Did you try something? Like Dreamless sleep potion?''

''Yes, Tonks would bring some from time to time but I was starting to get addicted and I didn't need that in my shitty life too.'' He confessed, now rubbing his tired eyes and looking like every ordinary insomniac.

I just nodded, trying not to pry any further and bother him, but I couldn't sense anything around him that could tell me to bugger off, so I just sat down next to him, imitating his position and feeling cold wood under my scalp.

''Thank you.'' I whispered and he turned to look at me, confusion lacing his passive appearances.

''What for?''

''For saving me… 17 years ago.''

He snorted. I managed one little smile, closing my eyes and imagining it was just 1979 and we were sitting in his apartment. Young. Free. Wild.

''No big deal, just sneaking around some creepy basements.'' He waved me off and I grinned fully at his attempt to joke around, when I remembered something and snapped my eyes open.

''What's with you and basements? I can't remember you being scared of dark places.'' I was talking about his weird behavior when he was training me for my mission.

He looked straight ahead, grim expression making him look years older.

''Not all basements, just…this one.'' When he saw me urging him silently to continue, he sighed feigning annoyance, but I knew better. Yes, he was bothered to talk about it, but he needed to. ''You know until I had started Hogwarts, everything was just fine in my sick family.'' I nodded, vividly remembering all little bits he was willing to share about his childhood when we were younger. Those were rare moments, just like this one was.

''Well, when I got sorted into Gryffindor, everything flipped upside down. I'd get tortured for the every little mistake I'd make, sometimes even for fun. Their… Their favourite place to lock me in until I was starving and almost passing out from beating was that basement.'' He finished and I was quickly wiping away escaped tears, feeling utterly ridiculous and weak.

''Bl-Sirius, I-'' I started, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a sob and choked on it a little.

''No, just don't.'' He said quietly and I understood. _Don't feel pity. Don't get sympathetic._

I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

''Remember when James freaked out because he had lost Lily's necklace?'' He chuckled and I looked to see once again young man, just for a fleeting moment. _Don't worry. I won't._


	12. Fever

**A/N:** Again a bit late, but so much work to do, I had barely the time to write this one. Anyway, enjoy!

 **Warning:** This chapter consists some sexual content, so if you're not into reading that, just skip the part in italics.

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Fever

''…Really? They actually use needles?'' This was, seemingly, the hundredth story I've told Sirius for that night. It was starting to dawn slowly and I was looking at the weak sunrays which were fighting the thick material of old curtains, draped over an old-fashioned, huge window. I was lying horizontally across the bed, like the last time, my legs dangling off the edge from knees to toes, my lids feeling tired and heavy on my eyes and I was literally forcing myself not to fall asleep. I don't know what that was, but I was feeling some sort of sympathy for Sirius, not wanting to leave him in that rotten dark room to agonize in his painful insomnia, or scream in his unnecessarily real nightmares.

So I just kept talking for hours, sometimes about our shared happy memories, sometimes my own ones from childhood, and right now I was talking about Muggles and their medicine; precisely-vaccines. And Sirius never looked more alert and interested. Or at least, never in those two months of my stay.

''Actual needles. And I remember my own screaming when the doctors came to me with one of those syringes in their hands. I was freaking terrified.'' I glanced at Sirius, who was slumped against the headboard with his legs carefully folded as if he was afraid even of a small touch. Strands of his soft looking black hair were falling gracefully around his angular face, somehow softening his dangerous exterior. Only then I noticed his half-buttoned white shirt, which was in the past probably very expensive and bought only for some special occasions, and his hard, naked chest and tattoos peaking. I recognized the one of the Leo constellation on his collar bone instantly; I was, after all, very familiar with his body before. The other tattoos, some kind of runes and symbols, I couldn't recognize. He probably got those after our breakup. But, where were the scars? I remembered clearly his rule-Tattoo next to a scar, to remind him of a person who had inflicted it.

And now, squinting on the yellowish light at his lean body, I couldn't see even one scar next to those tattoos. And, curse my female nature, I just had to check him out a little.

He looked like some sort of fallen angel, lean, but not so skinny anymore, his slender hands casually clasped in his lap and his face calm and emotionless, as always, with only those dark black circles around his eyes to ruin that almost perfect, symmetrical, aristocratic face. And those haunted eyes which had seen the horrors I couldn't wrap my mind around, were now looking directly at me with one raised brow.

Realizing I was caught in my little ogling escapade, my eyes quickly cleared and I was suddenly awake with my own embarrassment. He just kept looking me steadily while I was starting to blush like some stupid teenager. And then I analyzed my ridiculous situation quickly, and like a good and sensible adult I was, I snorted, I don't even know why. And he let one amused chuckle make his face look younger once again.

A snort was followed by one giggle attack, which was interrupted with unsuccessfully stifled yawn. It was a long day and night for me after all, and I was still sore all over from my mission.

''Oh, sorr- I mean, you're tired and I completely…'' Sirius got all fussy and self-berating and tumbled over his words, looking completely lost. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, scowling at his own incoherence. ''Shit. You should go to sleep now.''

I nodded and wanted to close my eyes and just pass out on his bed, but my mind still wasn't that much mushy from exhaustion, so I just dragged myself out of the bed, not glancing at the mirror attached to the open door of the closet, knowing I would just scare myself to death with my looks.

I yawned once more and stretched my arms above my head, completely forgetting that I was wearing only little satin nightdress and completely missing Sirius' look.

Before I closed the door behind me I waved and smiled when he nodded, acknowledging my little goodbye.

I don't know how it was possible for us to get to the truce, or even some sort of friendship, but in those dreamless nights, full of stories and easy chats, we made it. Now, the old house with stale smell stopped bothering me so much and I felt less trapped than before. Our little late-night meetings hadn't been happening every night and they weren't even regular. It was the unspoken agreement between the two of us, that whenever I heard him, I would go to his room and wake him up. He wasn't questioning me, or even starting the conversation. He was just there for me to play a little hero and help him chase his demons away for the night. He would let me tell him some story and I was trying not to mention the Potters, unless it was some happy and easy memory. Pettigrew wasn't mentioned even once, like he hadn't even existed in our lives.

Sometimes, he would let me talk until my lips got completely dry and my throat scratched, never cutting me off, just asking something which would continue the conversation - short and husky and whispered, in the sort of way that would make my insides flutter a little.

Sometimes, he would let me fall asleep on his bed, lying horizontally with my legs dangling from the edge, breathing in the mix of stale air and heavy, male scent of cypress, tobacco and just a dash of something citrusy and fresh. He would wake me up just when the sun started rising and I would saunter off, tumbling around in the dark and trying not to trip in the process.

He would never move from his corner on the bed, next to the headboard, always with folded legs. He would never let me see him clearly, with fade lights coming from the outside. He would never let me be in his room for too long, forbidding me to see something more except the shadows and lines of his furniture.

He would never button up all of his shirt, leaving for me just enough to sneak some glance on his perfect body and making me slightly hot and bothered, a little more with every next time.

And I would get irritated with my own perverted, depraved thoughts.

* * *

It was the last day of kids' holiday and the young ones were nervous with anticipation, leaving all the worry to us, oldies. We were currently having an Order meeting to plan the safest way for Harry's arrival to Hogwarts, and I was trying not to get distracted with the fact that the place on the head of the table was empty. It was regarding his godson's security and good health, and Sirius, the stubborn man he was, nevertheless wasn't attending the meeting.

My mind flicked back to the short, but effective row Sirius and Remus had that afternoon. I was doing dishes and eavesdropping a little, but it wasn't that hard since Sirius was barking profanities and angry grunts instead of clever and witty comebacks we were used to in the past. I had to admit, he'd got back a little of his old spunk in the last couple of days, but now his nervousness with the fact that Harry was leaving bubbled within him and essentially worsened his mood. Remus was convincing Sirius to stop being pigheaded and think a little in how much danger he would put Harry and himself if he went to the platform with them, and it looked like Remus' seemingly eternal patience was just coming to the edge.

The tempers were flaring quickly and I was, honestly, a little bit worried if I had to intervene between the two raging friends, when Tonks got into the room and saved the day. Remus' back was turned from the door and he couldn't see her, but he quickly shut up and took a deep breath, as if he was sniffing the air and quickly calmed down, like a junkie on his fix. It was in the same time beautiful and sad to watch; the way he paid attention to Tonks' ranting and looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world… except he was trying to cover that up with careful indifference. He was still trying to push her away, but I could see all of his walls crumbling down whenever she spoke to him. And then she put a hand on his shoulder, and easy excuse for a brief touch and he visibly relaxed. I was marveling at his own stupidity regarding that girl and all the reasons he was trying to come up with not to be with her, and I didn't even notice when Sirius fled the room. I only heard the door slamming shut and angry thumping up the stairs.

He didn't come down to the meeting at all. It finished and all of the members dragged themselves on their own merry ways, leaving me alone in the kitchen. It was already pretty late and I was yet again sleep-deprived and tired, because I was talking to Sirius until six the previous morning. After I showered and got ready for bed, I got back to the kitchen and stalked to the cupboards to take some biscuits before bed, and while I was rummaging through the shelves I didn't hear anyone coming behind me. So when I finally found those biscuits and turned around, I nearly jumped from my skin. Sirius was standing just a meter away from me, looking positively _dangerous_. It was not just because he was pissed off, but because he was wearing the black button-up and black slacks, with his hair slightly wet. I gulped when his scent invaded my senses and barely succeeded to sound normal.

''Merlin, Black, you startled me. What are you doing, sneaking around this late?'' Only when I looked at his face bravely, did I see the look he was giving me. He was standing there frozen, with his eyes hooded and so dark grey they were almost black, raking up and down my barely covered body, in short, satin, pale blue nightdress. Then he took a step towards me, like a panther stalking its prey and my breath hitched in my throat.

''Why aren't you sleeping?'' His voice was husky and dark and it was like a liquid lust to my ears.

''I-'' I looked him in the eye only to see the still present greed in them and I could feel hotness boiling in my stomach. ''I was just thinking about tomorrow. You know, nervous.'' My voice was awfully breathy and I cringed inwardly.

Then he took another step towards me and he was inappropriately close and invading all of my senses and I could feel his body heat and his chest brushed against mine and I was painfully aware _of him, there_ , and…

''Nervous?'' He ducked his head so there were mere inches separating us, our noses almost brushing and I flushed with sudden, unwanted arousal. _This is Sirius Black, ex-convict, half-madman, very unstable person! Get a grip!_

But his voice was so husky and his smirk so hot that I couldn't keep my eyes off him, or my knickers off getting wet.

I gulped again, feeling goose bumps all over my arms and legs and on the back of my neck, trying to calm my breathing and resist the urge to tangle my hands in his hair and pull him roughly down, just an inch, for our lips to meet. I was wishing to just look away from those sinful lips and lustful eyes, almost feeling _imperiused_ to want to do what he ordered. I was screaming to myself that my mind was taking a wrong route, that I should run away immediately, that I should push him away and go to sleep…

He chuckled darkly, probably finding my bewilderment mixed with painful arousal quite amusing. _What's got into him, for fuck's sake? Where is all this coming from?_

But his smirk remained on his face, and his hands (un)fortunately remained in his pockets. And he casually took a step back, careful indifference covering his hunger, and sauntered off, like that tension-full episode never happened. And I just stood there, with biscuits completely forgotten in my hand, breathing heavily and trying not to panic at my own behavior.

* * *

 _His hands were everywhere at once, his scent and dark grey eyes trapping my mind and blocking any coherent thought. His weight was pinning me to the bed and it was primal, and rough and needy and necessary, all at once. I was naked and tangled in my cotton sheets and surrounded by his muscular form and he was looking down at me with greed and passion, just like before, just like the times I couldn't forget, no matter how hard I was trying._

 _And then his head dropped onto my neck, throat, breasts, stomach, making my skin burn with every little touch and nib. It was almost painful to feel that much. There weren't any boundaries, there was no part of me to resist, to tell me to stop, and I was finally free to do what I wanted._

 _My hands found their way in his hair, then down his broad back, scratching and pulling him even closer than he already was. And I heard that dark chuckle somewhere around my nipple and I felt his hard-on somewhere on my thigh and I wanted nothing more than to feel him inside me, rough and demanding, thrusting and bringing me to my bliss, again and again._

 _He pulled his head up to meet my eyes, looking so sinful with his black hair disheveled by my hands, I whimpered in need._

 _Now I could feel his length resting right on my core and I wanted to go crazy. He pulled his pelvis a little upward, preparing himself._

 _''Nervous?'' Husky and breathy and smirking and so, so hot._

I woke up in the middle of the night with a start, jumping up in my bed all alone, sweaty and unbearably aroused. Slowly creeping my hand down to the hem of my knickers, I was searching for my release, vividly remembering that dream and leaving embarrassment for tomorrow morning.


	13. It only hurts when I laugh

**A/N:** Well, crap. It's been so long, and I'm so, so sorry, but I've got exams now and the most important one on the end of June, which will determine can I go to University or not. Anyway, I'll try to update a bit faster if I snatch any free time.

kate3110 Ohhh, there you are! I'm so glad you didn't abandon me! :D I wish you well on your exams! Anyway, it looked to me too slow, the building of their relationship, so I sped it up a little with the last chapter, at least until some more drama. And what's better way for speeding up than some healthy strikes of passion? :D

221authoronbakerst I'm glad you like it, hoping you'll enjoy this one too! Ohhh, Vivian would also need some cold shower, if she's smart enough :D

Anyway, I wasn't so excited about this one, but it turned rather well :D

 **Disclaimer:** Everything you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

It only hurts when I laugh

The morning after that… I don't even know what to call it, I quietly tip-toed down the stairs, praying to Merlin that Sirius was still asleep, or anywhere in the house except the kitchen. I still couldn't wrap my head around the last night's events and I just hoped that my face wasn't betraying anything that was storming around in my mind. I was utterly confused, not so much with his behavior as with my own. My assumptions about him were pretty simple - he was finally used to my presence, seeing me as some kind of companion. He was also probably lonely and frustrated and slightly drunk, and I wasn't really helping with my skimpy nightdress. After all, I wasn't the one to be falsely modest. I knew I looked pretty decent and nice for one 35 year old.

I could excuse his behavior, easily, but what the hell was happening to me? I didn't do relationships and any inappropriate feelings for quite some time now, so why was I so much bothered with a mere thought of him? This isolation was doing me no good, for sure.

When I finally got to the kitchen, everyone was already digging in hurriedly, including kids, and to my tiny displeasure, Sirius. Lounging in his chair, nursing a cup of coffee and scowling, he was a perfect image of an annoyed cynic. An annoyed cynic who got me undone with one look just last night, mind you.

''Good morning'' I croaked on my way to the table, cringing at my morning voice and trying not to glance in his direction. A choir of greetings answered me and I sat down next to Remus, with Fred and George separating me from Sirius' place on the head of the table. And just when I thought it was an easy, normal breakfast, Tonks asked something which should be a normal question, only not for _me_ in that moment.

''How was your night?''

''Wh- why-'' I stuttered and my eyes darted to the head of the table on their own, catching the ones that were uninterested, grey and somehow more empty than usual.

I cleared my throat quickly, trying to get a grip.

''It was… fine. Very pleasant.'' No one spared me another glance except Tonks, who had that notorious smirk plastered on her soft face.

''Sirius, why don't you eat something? You look a bit peaky.'' Molly turned the conversation on the one person who was making me feel like a bloody teenager, while doing absolutely nothing.

''I don't feel very well.'' He said gloomily and stood up with his black robe gracefully trailing around him and making him look way more elegant than a certain black robed potions master.

''Where are you going?'' I don't know what possessed me, but I almost shouted my question, ignoring his mood and making him turn around and arch an unamused eyebrow.

''None of your business.'' He growled and left quickly, and I wanted to smack him upside the head. Him or my own self, I couldn't decide.

* * *

After just a little time it was already half past ten and every young peer in the house was running around, trying not to forget something in the last moment. And everyone was around to help, except Sirius. And I just had to let myself care about it, because when I saw disappointed look on Harry's face when it was only ten minutes before they took off, my heart broke a little.

''Black! Where are you?'' I yelled when I got into _our_ hallway, knowing he would probably kill me if I stepped a foot into his bedroom without his permission.

''Stupid git making Harry sad, heartless fuck up,'' I was mumbling under my breath, clearly annoyed when I finally heard his voice.

''There you go, you'll be fine for now.'' It was coming from one of the rooms which I shouldn't visit, but I didn't really give a fuck at that moment.

I ignored the suspicious noise coming from inside and just pushed the door open, preparing for some serious berating.

''Black! What are you doing, sitting here-'' I quickly shut up when I finally looked into the room, only to see startled Sirius and some huge animal with wings, eyeing me dangerously with its yellow eyes and clawing the floor, probably planning to eat me alive.

After a second of shock, it made a sudden move toward me. Naturally, I shrieked. Naturally, it shrieked too.

''Woah, woah, Buckbeak! Easy! Calm down!'' Sirius was grabbing onto its neck, roughly combing its feathers and trying to calm it down while his eyes blazed with fury, directly at the frozen, scared shitless, me.

When that thing saw I wasn't a threat, but a mere irritancy, it calmed down a little and stopped shrieking, but that murderous glare didn't leave its eyes. Almost the same as Black, who was turned to me now.

''What did I say about this room? Where was your brain? Are you retarded?'' He barked harshly and my sudden anger woke me out of the stupor.

''Well, it's not like you told me you're keeping some huge bird-horse in here! I wouldn't even fucking care if you didn't holed yourself in here, completely disappointing Harry, who is, by the way, waiting for you to say goodbye!'' I yelled back, ignoring steady gaze of an animal.

And I finally managed it. Sirius Black was looking completely guilty, and he lost all of his arguments and snarky remarks. His shoulders dropped and he looked so vulnerable all of a sudden, not unlike in the aftereffects of his nightmares. Lost, ruined child.

My glare softened and I cleared my throat.

''Anyway, what is that?'' I pointed to the haughty animal which was steadily becoming more annoyed with my presence.

Sirius blinked and I could almost see a trace of gratefulness in his eyes. Well, _almost._

''This is Buckbeak. He is a hippogriff and he was my companion when I got away from… Ah, Azkaban.'' He explained, his eyes dropping to the floor with fear and humiliation at the thought of Azkaban. I gulped and nodded, casting wary looks at it.

''He is a good birdie, you just have to show him some respect when you meet him.''

''You call this a birdie?'' I scoffed but nevertheless listened to his advice, vaguely remembering Care for magical creatures class and pictures from the book. I bowed my head and it bowed elegantly. My fear dissipated.

''Can I say hi to you now? Sorry for barging in, I was just searching for your friend who is a major prick, by the way. Anyway, I'll announce myself next time, maybe bring you some food or something.'' I was rambling while petting Buckbeak, mesmerized with his beauty, completely forgetting about Sirius.

''What is he eating, anyway? I could find something for him if you-'' I started and shut up when I saw Sirius' face. He was smiling with mirth and I could see that one, _my_ Sirius from before.

''What?'' I asked perplexed, my own smile tugging at the corners of my lips on the sight of Sirius in a good mood.

''It's you, you weirdo.'' He openly laughed and I thoroughly blushed, chuckling and feeling younger in my own skin.

''C'mon, let's go, Harry is still there. He won't go without you saying goodbye.'' I said seriously but softly, and he nodded, trailing behind me.

And when I saw Harry's face lighting up instantly with Sirius' presence, I knew I've done something good with putting up with Black's moods. They chatted for a moment and when it was the time for kids and their guardians to leave, I hugged all of them, expecting Sirius to do the same. But, he wouldn't be impulsive, reckless self if he didn't do something utterly stupid.

''Black, what are you doing?'' I asked loudly over Hermione's shoulder when I spotted Sirius giving a rather concerned Harry mischievous smile.

''Preparing to say goodbye, as you kindly suggested.'' He smirked and before our own eyes turned into Padfoot.

''Black, no, I didn't mean - are you insane?'' I started panicking when he leapt outside and everyone just accepted it after him giving them sad, puppy eyes. _Jerk._

* * *

He didn't come back with Remus and Tonks. They said they'd lost him somewhere near the Kings Cross and that he'll probably just come back. After all, he survived in his dog form for good two years.

Nevertheless, I was worried. What if some Death Eaters were lurking around? What it Pettigrew told them about Sirius' animagus form and they were just waiting for him to show up?

My thoughts were getting worse and worse with time ticking and Sirius still not coming back. Remus and Tonks had to go away on their Order duties, but told me to call them if something happened.

When the late afternoon turned into evening, darkening the whole house, I was conflicted between anger at the reckless git and need to call Remus. I was pacing around the kitchen, listening to the old clock and trying to steady the whirl of bad emotions, when finally I heard it.

 _Thud, thud._ I tried to focus on the sound, realizing it was coming from the entrance. Then, there was some scratching, and finally a quiet whimper. I ran to the door quickly opening it, only to find Padfoot curled up on the top step, looking sick.

''Oh god, what the hell happened to you?'' I cried out trying to usher him inside. He dragged himself into the hallway, leaving bloody trails behind his paws.

''Who attacked you?'' I asked panicked when he turned into his human form, leaving for me to notice bloody cuts all over his arms and legs, and blood leaking from one gash on his waist.

''Myself, pretty much.'' He tried to sound light but it was smothered with a painful grunt.

''What do you mean-'' I cut myself off, seeing it was pretty important to clean his wounds first.

''C'mon, lean on me, we're going to the bathroom.'' I dragged him somehow upstairs, choosing my room rather than his because I could manage better in there.

I put him down on the cold tiles, tearing his shirt and seeing his body in the clear light for the first time. I tried to concentrate on healing the gash, but his tattoos were not helping much. I ignored my inner need to pry and ask him about those and tried to act professional and clinical and I wasn't even failing that much, even if I was distracted with the growth of my mere physical attraction for him.

When I cleaned his cut legs and feet and moved onto his roughed up hands, I asked him again what happened, seeing he wasn't in much pain anymore.

''I used to do this all the time when I was…free, hiding with Buckbeak.'' He said quietly, not meeting my steady, hard gaze. ''I hear them and I remember and it's killing me and not letting me sleep, so I just run until it becomes quiet and I don't feel that sort of pain.''

''You mean… You numb your mental pain with physical?'' I gulped, trying to hold back tears. _Damn it, why did I have the need to cry whenever he spilled something?_

''…Sort of. It would tire me out and I would sleep after that.'' He said slowly, drawing invisible circles on the tiled floor with his newly healed hand. I was watching it mesmerized, not wanting to meet his gaze either. So we were just looking anywhere except at each other. _Ashamed. Hurt. Alone._

''What are they…,'' I mumbled, daring to look at him and seeing fear and pain in his stormy eyes. I cleared my throat and tried again. ''What are they talking about, when you hear them? Who are they?''

I could see him getting his defenses up with his look sharpening and he tried to look away, so I quickly grabbed the hand which was drawing circles and held it tightly, feeling slight electricity at the contact.

His hand was loose, but he didn't move it.

''It depends. Sometimes it's Lily, sometimes Marlene. Sometimes it's all the voices from prison, their screams and cries. But mostly, it's James.'' His voice cracked and he finally closed his eyes with pained expression.

I willed myself not to cry. _Don't pity him. Be brave for him._

''What are they… What are they saying?'' I was proud to notice my voice sounded almost normal.

''Does it matter? I know what it means when you hear voices, White, I'm not stupid.'' He barked, trying to cover up all of the emotions he showed earlier.

''That you're crazy, yes.'' I deadpanned and he opened his eyes, not expecting me to say that. ''So what? I'm crazy too. Masochist, really.'' I said cheerfully even if my own eyes betrayed me and I could feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I knew what those voices were saying. They were yelling at him, torturing him by telling that he's guilty for all of it.

''Now you're tired, you can sleep. So, sleep.'' I told him and expected him to leave my bathroom, with bloody stains all over the floor and my hands and his shirt, but I didn't move. Neither did he.

He just slid down the tub on which he was perched and put his head on the cold tiles, his hand almost slipping from mine with his movement, but he finally returned the grip indicating for me to stay where I was.

''Don't cry.'' He whispered so miserably, so selflessly, worrying about me instead of himself, that he made me cry harder. His eyes were still closed and I did something perhaps stupid, perhaps wild, but certainly needed.

I laid down next to him, releasing his hand only to put my hands around him, simultaneously putting my head on his chest. I hugged him not caring when I felt him stiffen slightly beneath me, knowing he needed this as much as I did.

''Harry cares about you so much. Remus and Tonks too.'' I croaked and he hummed, relaxing visibly.

''…Me too.'' I whispered at last after a couple of moments, thinking he fell asleep.

But then his big hands came around my slight frame and he hugged me too, his previously limp form now touching me desperately.

And we slept. In the bathroom, under the white light, in the little puddle of his blood, which was on his shirt and my hands. _Still hurt. Little less ashamed. Not alone._


	14. Good day for bad decisions

**A/N:** Well, I'm a jerk. I apologize and I promise this was the longest you were waiting. My exams are officially over and I can proudly say that from October 1st, I am a student of Philosophy University, with russian language and literature as my major! What to do, I'm in love with foreign languages and with Russia, so there. :D Btw, I was watching that TV show Freaks and Geeks, and I realized that James Franco is literally how I pictured Sirius in my head... He fits my description awfully well :O

kate3110, I'm, as always, too flattered because of your comments :D I'm glad you liked it, but I had to fuck it up in the next chapter a little, as always...

221authoronbakerst and Wintersunbunny, I'm so glad you like my story, enjoy! :D

 **Warning** : This chapter has some smut in it, oopsy. And it gets a little dark, but not anything twisted.

 **Disclaimer:** All you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Good day for bad decisions

I woke up to some knocking, with sore neck and stiff legs. I was already cursing inwardly, feeling like I was having a major hangover when I moved my head a little upwards just to see him, still asleep, looking content probably for the first time since I've got here. He was still clutching me tightly, as if afraid of me escaping and I finally let my guard down and smiled, genuinely glad for his peace.

And I completely forgot about the knocking part.

''Vivian? Are you there?'' I heard Tonks' panicked voice behind the bedroom door, finally realizing that I had forgotten to tell her and Remus that Sirius's fine.

''Black! Wake up!'' I was trying to untangle myself from him hurriedly, already in the state of mild panic when the thought _what the hell is she going to think if she sees us like this_ occurred to me.

''C'mon! Get up!'' I mumbled trying to remove his arm from my waist. He only groaned and gripped me tighter.

''It's-not-the-time-'' I was saying in the most clipped tone I could manage, trying to ignore a little worm of giddiness crawling around my stomach and growing with every look at him.

''Vivian, unlock the door if you're there, now I'm freaking out!''

''Er- Tonks, just a moment!'' I yelled and kicked Sirius in the shin, because that was the only part of him I could reach freely.

''Ow! What the hell, you nagging, annoying woman?!'' He yelped loudly and I cringed, afraid that Tonks would hear us.

''Tonks is outside! You can't be here! Get up! Go hide somewhere!'' I finally, forcefully untangled myself, giving him an annoyed scowl and he was just looking bewildered, with his hair sticking in all directions and bloody, white shirt hanging unbuttoned from his shoulders.

''Oh God, you look like hell! Oh no, your blood is all over me! What do we do?!'' I was starting to panic for real now, getting up and circling the little bathroom like some mad, shifty squirrel under cocaine.

''Vivian? I'm gonna just break in if you don't open the door this instant!'' I heard and whimpered and Sirius was trying to stand steadily, still dizzy from his injuries.

''Just calm down and stop-stop it, White!'' He hissed and I finally stopped pacing, looking at his slightly amused grey eyes.

''Just go open the door and I'll just stay here until she goes away.'' He said slowly, not whispering, but I could nevertheless barely hear his scratchy morning baritone.

''But what if she asks-what do I say if she-'' I was trying to be coherent but I was totally confused, my head was sore and I just wanted to avoid inevitable awkwardness.

''I don't know. Tell her I'm dead, I don't give a fuck!'' By now he was literally pushing me out of the bathroom and I was giving him very dirty looks behind my shoulder, acting like a kid but refusing to hurry up.

''Oh, you're such a big help!'' I hissed and turned to him, now really irritated. But he was still pushing me, now holding onto my upper arms.

''Would-you-just-stop-that-'' I was punctuating each word with one slap, trying to fight his scary strength.

''Ouch! Just stop hitting me! The whole morning, you're just hitting me!'' He yelped and whined, but it sounded more like a growl with Sirius in question.

It is the understatement of the year to say that we got carried away a little.

Also, it was completely reasonable for Tonks to lose her already small dose of patience and break in, as promised.

Oh, and also, it was completely priceless scene for her, when she saw me hitting Sirius with bloody hands and ruined dress and him trying to restrain me.

''….Oh.'' We both froze when we heard her, daring to catch a glimpse of her standing there, with wand in hand, looking _slightly_ shocked.

''Is this like… some sort of mating game for animaguses and their chosen ones?'' Her shock quickly vanished and it was replaced with famous Black mischief, of which I was, undoubtedly, very afraid.

''We were just-'' I squeaked out, letting my hands fall down ungracefully and Sirius took a step away from me. I could feel my cheeks getting slightly pink, to match the hair of the crazy witch.

''I'll leave you to it, then.'' She smirked and quickly left, and I could hear her thumping down the stairs in her bouncy step.

''Oh, well. This one will be hard to explain.'' Inwardly, I was cringing, but on the outside I was trying to regain my composure, carefully avoiding Sirius' piercing gaze.

''What do you mean? You and me in your bedroom, or all this blood?'' He smirked and I groaned. Really, I could put up with only so much of Sirius in his good mood.

''Get out, you ruined my carpet!'' I yelled and tried to hide a smile slowly forming on my face, failing miserably.

''All right, all right! Calm your hippogriffs!'' He scoffed and sauntered off, leaving me alone to mull over the events of the morning.

When I plucked up the courage to go downstairs, freshly showered and clean and in a desperate need for some coffee, I found Tonks, Remus and Sirius already sitting around the table, with Sirius looking bored out of his mind.

''Oh thank Merlin you're here, Sirius just ignores all of our questions regarding this morning.'' Tonks had a fake, chirping tone in her voice and I rolled my eyes so hard I was afraid they were going to get stuck in my head backwards.

''There's literally nothing to say. I helped him with his injuries.''

''But, from what was Sirius kind to tell us,'' she paused to give Sirius one pointed look, ''he was back last evening. So why was he still with you this morning?''

''We were just-'' I started to fidget while pouring myself a cup of coffee, looking utterly uncomfortable.

''Cousin, you're nosy little bird.'' Sirius interjected easily, still with that bored look on his face, raising a single brow on my pathetic attempt to stop the blush. Damn it, why was I so hormonal these days?

''Well? Vivian? Oh Merling, something happened! Did you two really sha-'' Tonks started, I wanted the Earth to swallow me and Sirius butted in, once again saving the day.

''Moony, control your woman.'' And he did it. My awkwardness dissipated, or better said moved onto poor Remus, who was having a mischievous smile on his face just a moment ago. Now, he was choking on his tea while Tonks was efficiently shocked into silence.

''Now that we're done with this nonsense, Moony, you said you needed my library?'' Sirius carried on like nothing was happening, getting up and motioning Remus to follow him. On the doorway he just turned slightly and winked at me and I was staring fixedly on the spot where he was for minutes after he was gone.

''Oh, you got to be kidding me! Are you really trying to tell me nothing's happening between you two?'' Tonks was, apparently, woken up from her shock.

''No, really, we just talked and then fell asleep. That's all to it.''

''Viv, you're acting like teenagers around each other.''

''Oh, c'mon, we're just starting to be friends after all this time! We're just getting along a little easier.'' I was quick to defend myself. Like, really, really quick.

''Vivian, honey, deal with it. You want to be friend to Sirius as much as I want to Remus.''

''I sure do! Oh, just leave it before you jinx it, he is finally nice to me!'' She was giving me a suspicious look.

''I give you couple of months. You'll be screwed.'' She declared, dodged my questions about her and Remus' relationship development and quickly left, saying she was late for work. I just sighed, already tired of people, even if it was still morning.

* * *

The next week passed relatively peacefully, although I couldn't fail to notice that Sirius was slipping away from my grasp slowly. As Remus' and Tonks' visits decreased with their often missions and Tonks' Ministry job, and Harry's letters were arriving fairly rarely, Sirius was getting more and more withdrawn and melancholic.

After two weeks, I was never really seeing him anymore. I could just hear him moving around somewhere upstairs, probably taking care of Buckbeak. Sometimes I would get really worried about his drinking problem, but whenever he came downstairs, no matter how rare that was, he was sober. Sober, but grumpy. Sober, grumpy, and slightly more disheveled and reminding me of his state when I'd just came here.

He would just come downstairs once a day, usually in the mornings, eat a little and tell me some two-word sentences, or if I was really lucky, he would manage a small smile, as if trying to reassure me that he was fine. But he was really, really further from fine every single day.

I couldn't reprimand him because, who was I to order him to cheer up? I couldn't even hear him at nights, so I was at the loss about his nightmare-condition.

It was all going slowly downhill, I knew that. Slowly, but inevitably.

And finally, for the lack of better comparison, shit hit the fan on October 31st, 1995. What I totally forgot was, why this date was so important. My boredom and lack of any interaction with people for good five days (that's when Tonks stopped by to tell me that Remus was going on some risky mission) completely messed up my perception of time.

Right in the morning I should have realized something was going on. Sirius was nowhere in sight, even if it was our unspoken deal that he would come downstairs, just for a couple of minutes. I ate in silence, which I've gotten used to after some time, even if I hated it with passion. I just hated being alone and all this was starting to be even bigger punishment for me than for the absent ex-convict. But I just left it alone, because _I didn't want to be privy_.

Later that awful, cold and rainy day I was huddling in my big white cardigan, trying to get warmer and thinking I should really start using that fireplace in my bedroom. I was on my way to the said bedroom with the pile of clean laundry to fold in my arms, when I saw his door slightly ajar, pale light illuminating the dark hallway. I threw the pile of laundry on my bed and tip-toed to his room, slowly opened the door and without thinking got inside, to see it in the clear light for the first time. First things I noticed were many Muggle posters of very attractive girls from 70s, riding motorbikes or posing next to some car. The huge Gryffindor banner was taking one big place on the left wall and I smiled to myself, remembering Sirius as a young, rebellious misfit. On the floor was this huge mess of papers, some letters and newspapers, and even some photographs. I spotted one photograph next to Moony's letter to Padfoot and picked it up, smile turning from amused to sad and nostalgic. It was us, Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, Peter and me, sitting on the floor of Sirius' and James' apartment, laughing at something probably the guy who took the picture said. Sirius' arms were around me and I was wiggling pathetically, as if trying to get free, but not trying too hard. I put the photo in my pocket quickly, and continued my little search of Sirius' room. His queen-sized bed was unmade, white sheets tangled in one huge mess.

Suddenly, it thundered hard and startled me into glancing in the direction of a big window which had its curtains removed. Only then I noticed the figure sitting on the windowsill, looking at something in his hand and whispering quietly. It was raining so hard that it drowned his whispers. I could see just his profile and he didn't seem to notice me, when I noticed his hands shaking and that empty look in his eyes.

''Please, forgive me. God, I can't- I miss you so much, mate.'' His voice was shaky just like his hands and I was straining to understand what he was saying. Then it struck me, what day it was, why was he so depressed, why did this room reek of firewhiskey. He was definitely drunk and fucked up, looking at some old photo and trying to calm himself down with a cigarette. When he finished it and turned to throw it, probably somewhere on the messy floor, he noticed me there, frozen like a deer caught in headlights. He stood up on shaky legs, and I saw his dark side stepping in and eating his rational side completely. _Oh no._

''What are you doing here?!'' He growled so lowly that my blood froze along with my body. I gulped, looking at him getting too close for comfort, trying to get the courage to stand with my head held high. Yes, I was snooping around, but I had good intentions, for fuck's sake!

''What did I tell you about sticking your fucking nose in other people's business!?'' He took my upper arms and shook me a little and I gathered all the spite I had to look him in the eye and dare him to strike me, so I could hex him into oblivion. I knew he wanted to; he was completely humiliated, broken and furious, with his breath stinking of alcohol and his bloodshot eyes matching bleak, cloudy sky.

''Get a grip, Black. It's been fifteen years! James-'' I started, finally finding my voice, trying not to think about the bruises he would leave. Trying not the think about all the things his closeness did to my raging hormones.

''Don't you DARE mention him!'' he snapped, his hand coming slowly up my arm to rest around my neck. My eyes widened in fear (and a little bit of excitement), but I kept my ground.

''Someone should teach you not to be such a pain in the arse.'' He ducked his head and slurred into my ear, reminding me of the amount of drinks he had.

''Fuck you, Black! You're drunk, ruining yourself as always, completely useless-'' I was furious and scared, but that was something I definitely shouldn't have said to him. He roared furiously, not unlike Padfoot's bark and pushed me against the nearest wall hard, so hard my head spun. I gasped, trying to relieve some dizziness, clawing at his chest with my free hand.

His grasp on my neck tightened a little and then he let his hand fall down and his head dropped to kiss my neck roughly, to my great surprise. I gasped again, but from different reasons, closing my eyes on the feel of his stubble on my sensitive skin.

He continued to nip my neck, getting lower and tearing my cardigan. When I was standing in front of him only in my bra, my cardigan and T-shirt long gone, and his lips were dangerously close to my breasts, he mumbled against my skin,

''Tell me to stop.'' I moaned a little, completely at the loss of all that was happening around me, arousal and raw passion occupying my angry mind.

''Tell. Me. To. Stop.'' He punctuated each word with one nib at my breasts, now barely covered with bra.

''No'', I moaned out, now dizzy because of completely different reasons. He tore my bra too, making me gasp again because of a sudden movement and raw lust I saw when he looked into my eyes.

I clawed at his shoulders, getting rid of his dirty white shirt, pulling him closer to me and letting him peel my jeans down my legs quickly. I was feeling like I was imperiused, completely out of control of my own actions, desperate with some animalistic need to hurt him and love him simultaneously.

He bit my neck again, hitched my legs on his hips and I felt his hard member probing my folds and it wasn't enjoyable, it wasn't what I wanted, it was what I needed and what he needed. A moment of closeness with another human being. Just a little bit. Just for a couple of minutes.

One deep thrust. I was gasping because of his roughness, not because of pleasure. One more, a little bit quicker thrust. I was clawing because of my fury, not because of passion. A third thrust, a little bit painful. I was feeling something heavy deep in my stomach, because of his eyes continuously avoiding mine, not because of pleasure. A couple of more quick thrusts. Initial fullness turning into desperate emptiness even if he was still inside me, when I realized how pathetic and mad we actually were.

And then, a tear in my eye. Not because of orgasm, which I didn't experience either way, but because I heard one quiet sob somewhere on my shoulder, with little watery drops following.

And then I could feel him finding his release, sobbing a little bit louder. He pulled away with his eyes closed, trails of tears down his perfect cheeks, and the most pained expression I've ever seen on one human being.

And then he opened his eyes, and that awful shame and despair, hatred and deflated hurry mixed together in the depths of stormy grey. He hated me for turning him into the newest kind of low. I hated him for dragging me with him to touch the rock bottom.

He zipped his jeans and left, with hands hiding his face and particular heavy, slow movements drowning his usual, proud saunter.

I broke down naked in his room, now filled with smell of sex and shame mixed with alcohol, on that messy floor with that blasted photo and our smiling faces staring at me from the pile of my ripped clothes.


	15. Take care

**A/N:** This one was giving me HELL with writer's block. Not satisfied, but it'll do.

 **Disclaimer:** All you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Take care

It was a bad day. With that rain falling constantly and so persistently that it looked like it was going to flood the whole world, everything was just more gloomy and dead in my eyes. When I finally managed to drag myself from the Blackest room, with bruising neck and forever bruised dignity, I tried to get a hold on myself and not think about what have I just done; about what have _we_ just done. It wasn't about satisfaction, god, I wasn't that selfish. It was about the fact that both of us were so desperate and lonely that we stooped so low and ripped all of our pretences and illusions of normality off, leaving only pure core of naked, deeply scarred humans. Or maybe animals, because our rational parts of brains had gone completely off.

I took a shower and left my bathroom, carefully avoiding any mirror on sight, scared of my own beaten reflection. I was so busy packing some necessary stuff for a little runaway I've been planning to pull off, that I didn't even notice another presence on the doorway of my room.

''You're leaving.'' He said quietly, his empty voice matching the whole atmosphere of the room.

''Yes.'' I mumbled, ducking my head and turning away from him, desperately looking at anything except those grey eyes. But somehow, it looked like everywhere around me were only mirrors and liquid silver. I couldn't deal with all this now.

''I'm-'' he tried. It hurt even me how lost he sounded. Probably more lost than me. _But I couldn't deal with all this now._

''Don't, Black. Just don't.'' I raised my hand to stop his beginning of… what? An apology? Another fit of rage? I took my magically expanded bag and started towards the door.

''White- Vivian, listen-'', he croaked out as I was passing him, and when I heard him say my name for the first time in years, choosing the worst possible moment for it, I finally exploded.

''I said DON'T! I don't want to listen anymore! I don't have your Gryffindor courage to deal with it right now! So just stay out of my way!'' I screamed, my voice cracking with the end of my little charade, trying to move past him, when he caught my shoulders and I flinched. He quickly let them stepped back.

''Can you at least look at me?'' he whispered almost _tenderly_ , only a couple of inches away from me. I felt his hot breath near my left ear and shuddered with a sudden need to just hug him tightly and cry our agony away.

''I can't.'' And that's when I felt a soft exhale near my ear and ran away from my demons and him, not turning back.

I flooed to Tonks', not even knowing where the hell she lived, hoping that at least her floo was opened.

Lucky for me, it was, and I startled her into falling off the chair.

''What the- Vivian, what are you doing here?'' She yelled, trying to retain her balance.

''Can I stay at yours for a couple of days? Just until I calm down, please, I can't go back-'' I started and quickly shut up when I felt bile rising in my throat.

''Of course, of course! What happened? You look like-'' She was fussing around me and then she looked at my bare neck. ''What's that?! Did Sirius do that?! Vivian, what's going on?!''

I didn't know what exactly did she see, but I could imagine some bruises forming on my neck.

''We had a fight and- It's- It's the day Potters had died and he- And I didn't know what to do, I panicked-'' I was rambling nonsense and I knew it, but I couldn't stop my mouth or the tears streaming down my face.

''Did he hit you? Did he choke you?'' Tonks was becoming more and more flustered and I forced myself to calm down a little, to try to explain.

''No, we-'', but then I realized I didn't even have the words for what had happened. I smothered another sob that was threatening to escape me and felt some blush spreading on my face and bruised neck.

''OH MERLIN, HE RAPED YOU!'' she shouted, her kind face contorted in horror and her hair rapidly changing fiery colors.

''What?!'', could be heard in the same time from me and Remus, who has just appeared in the fireplace.

''No, he didn't! We didn't know what we were doing!'' I yelled, trying to help the matter a little… Except I made it a little bit worse.

''You slept together?! When?!'' Tonks' horror stricken face changed into one of pure shock. Remus just plopped down on the couch and hid his face in his hands.

I told them in a couple of sentences the gist of it, not really mentioning our desperation and misery. I didn't mention all the feelings, rage and ultimate shite of the intercourse we had. I just said we fought, then did it, then fought some more and mentioned that I wouldn't go back there to sort the mess out with that lunatic. I expected sympathy written all over Tonks' face, but Remus' sudden outburst surprised me.

''So you just left him there, alone and drunk, because you couldn't cope with your mess of emotions? Do you think he's not hurting enough already?'' His calm voice was laced with anger. It was safe to say, I'd never seen this side of him before.

''Remus…'' Tonks started, but all of my emotions were already mixed with fury.

''I'm sick of this! I'm hurting too, did you ever think of that?! I'm the other prisoner there, and I don't even know what for! And all the time, _I_ have to berate myself like _I'm_ the only one who is not tolerant enough, or patient enough, or what not!''

''Oh, stop with the drama, Vivian! The man clearly has some left feelings for you! Are you just pretending, or you're that blind?!''

''Enough, Remus…'' Tonks tried again, but he wouldn't listen.

''You think you're the victim? So what if you are, taste the medicine he was taking for twelve years! Taste it, if you're stupid enough to translate all of his actions as attempts to hurt you!''

''I don't think you of all people have the right to accuse me of leaving him, Remus.'' I said as calmly as possible, trying not to show how his words, no, his truth shook me.

''You're right. But at least I keep trying to understand him. And I'm not leaving him when he falls low. Think thoroughly about what you're doing, Vivian, before you go back.'' And then he stormed past me, to the fireplace, and yelled ''Grimmauld Place'' before disappearing in green flames.

I took his position on the couch, with my head in my hands, feeling even worse.

''Oh honey, don't mind him, he's just being too harsh.'' Tonks sat next to me and tried to console me.

''But you think he's right?" I mumbled through my fingers.

''…but I think he's right.'' She agreed. I sighed and finally managed to look up.

''But it's too hard, most of the time.'' I squeaked out, feeling pathetic and small. I hated it.

''I know. Trust me, I know the best.'' Now it was her turn to sigh and she looked much older than she really was. It suddenly crossed my mind that she really did understand me. After all, she was putting up with the difficulty that was Remus Lupin.

''But how do I know it's worth it? It's obvious with you and Remus, you have _something_ , but Sirius and me… We had it, and lost it over the time.''

''It's obvious with you two, too. Just take a moment to think about the way Sirius is behaving around you. Here's a little help: I catch a glimpse of old Sirius when he's with you… That counts. Think about it, Viv. Think about your feelings.''

''So, what are we going to do?''

She paused for a second at my question, and then managed a little smile.

''Take care of them. Teach them to take care of us.''

And with that, she left me to contemplate whatever the fuck was happening.

* * *

Sirius' POV (just this once)

She left. She just ran away, and I could see disgust and fear instead of usual understanding and friendliness in the blues of her eyes. I was afraid of my own reflection in those same eyes, so I just let her go. I tried to say something to soothe her pain if I couldn't soothe mine, but my lips were dry and my mind blank.

When I heard her thumping down the stairs and snapping the door of the kitchen shut, something broke within me. I was still pretty drunk and everything around me was as cloudy as the weather, so I was tripping around her room, trying to get away from her stuff and my own skin.

I hated myself deeply and I hated her. I hated her for coming into this hell called my life and fixing it. I hated her for caring, when I wasn't capable of giving it back. I hated her for being such a beautiful woman, in body and mind, completely opposite of what have I become with years. _Stupid, interfering bitch._

I stumbled into the mess of my room and the smell of sex and alcohol hit my nostrils, making me not only hate, but despise myself now. Maybe it would be better if I raped her. That way, I would be a proven lunatic. Now, I'm just one pathetic and alone human being.

I looked down on the floor and saw James grinning at me. _Don't grin, James. James, I fucked up bad. James, Jamie, Prongs, tell me what to do. James, I killed you. Prongs, I mistreated Viv. Lily's Viv, Lily's pretty friend._

I glanced away from his glinting, ignorant eyes and confronted a mirror. No, don't look at the mirror! Awful. Dead inside. Empty eyes. Matted hair. Almost as bad as in Azkaban. I loathed myself.

I hit my reflection with my dirty, tattooed fist so hard it shattered. Glass was clanking all around me and the feel of stinging and blood dripping from my knuckles almost pleased me. It was hurting more and more with each passing second and I looked at my clenched fist only to see glass shreds buried in my skin. _Feel it, Black. Feel the pain. It's never enough for what you've done._

''Padfoot? Where are you?'' I heard Moony's voice somewhere downstairs.

''Go away Moony.'' I shouted, _slurred_ , and hoped he'd obey me just this once.

''Are you ok? How drunk are you?''

''I'm fine. Leave me alone.''

But he, of course, didn't leave me alone. He actually came upstairs and found me crouching around broken glass, watching blood dripping on the floor.

And when he saw my expression, he just sighed and healed my hand as well as he could manage. Not asking, not bothering me.

''Remember this? You had just bought your bike. James was so happy you thought he would 'wet his pants'!'' he gestured in the direction of the photo I was looking at moments before. I just nodded.

''I miss them too. More than you think. I'm just… coping, you know? Try it. It's been too much time.'' He said quietly and I closed my eyes which were stinging, again.

''Vivian's at Tonks', you know. I talked to her. She'll be back, sooner or later. Sort it out, Sirius. There's no one who can do it instead.'' He gave me one pointed look and vanished shreds of glass. Then he just left me to contemplate whatever the fuck was happening.

* * *

Vivian's POV

It's been two days and I knew that if I delayed our confrontation longer, I'd do no good. After that talk with Remus and Tonks I was carefully mulling over about our relationship, and realized that I still had feelings for him. After all, I wouldn't let him touch me if I didn't. It was really ridiculous; after all, we broke up once before. But maybe, just maybe, I'd be good for him, and he'd be good for me this time around. I forced myself into thinking that he was feeling the same because I liked Remus' logic. I was hoping against all odds that it would work out if we just _talked_. So I braced myself, gathered my stuff and decided not to use the floo, but aparate.

It was still raining and I was sick of it. I didn't get much wet, but still, it was cold and awfully dull. I got into the house quietly, with doors squeaking and my palms sweating. This was the big thing. I was about to persuade a half-mad man into liking me.

''You're back.'' He was on top of the stairs, just like the first time I'd seen him after all those years, and I could tell he was actually trying to look good, in black slacks and black T-shirt. He said it quietly, but I could hear cheerfulness buried inside his deep, hoarse voice. After all, I knew him for a long time.

''We have to talk.'' I said, inching away from the door and towards the general direction of stairs. He started to walk down leisurely, arrogantly, but he halted at my words. His shoulders slumped and he looked sad and alone.

''It shouldn't happen. I'm sorry.'' He said, meeting my eyes bravely, but slowly, painfully.

''I agree. It shouldn't happen…like that.'' At my words, his bleak eyes turned into two dangerous storms. He was danger. Alluring danger.

''What do you mean?'' He came to a stop only inches in front of me, step on which he was standing giving him big height advantage.

''You know what I mean. There's still _something_ , and you know it.'' I whispered and kept his heated gaze.

''So, what are we going to do?'' he lowered his tone as well, and his breath ghosted over my lips, his eyes dropping to look right at them.

''I'll take care of you. I'll teach you to take care of me.'' And that's when I closed those little inches between us and kissed him.


	16. Friendship is a sacred thing

**A/N:** Thank you for sticking with me and this story, and if you like it or hate it, please give me some review for motivation! :)

 **Disclaimer:** All you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

Friendship is a sacred thing

He tasted like cinnamon and cigarettes, and smelled like familiarity, his hands trailing up my back to my head, leaving warm trails of finally being _home_. It was everything I needed, I realized then; really, we should've done this way earlier. It was like some dream, or a memory of childhood, of summers and happiness and freedom. Only, freedom was, for the first time laced with safety. His warm lips finally returning my kiss and rough hands trying to be gentle reminded me of a beauty in _belonging_. It was everything at the same time; hunger and comfort, love and lust, home and adventure, Milky Way and rays of sunshine.

It was forgetting, at least just for a couple of seconds, that we were old and alone, bound to some cause in some war, trying to be heroes, saviors and mature humans in the same time. It was recklessness, but I couldn't fight the feeling that my whole life was leading to this moment. To the moment of healing someone and letting someone heal me.

''Wait, White - Vivian,'' he pulled away and started, but his voice died in his throat. Instead his eyes started to talk and I could se confusion and despair and happiness… Emptiness was nowhere to be found in those stormy depths.

''We should really stop fighting this.'' I said, my voice firm, but my own eyes uncertain.

''Look, I can't… I don't know how to be… I forgot how it was to be…'' He was struggling to explain his own fear, but I understood him completely. He was actually voicing my own swirling thoughts, which were starting to haunt me right after our kiss.

''It's okay. I understand. I even doubt that I can…'' I started, looking down, but he cut me off when he gripped my chin and forced me to look back into his scary eyes.

''Don't you ever doubt yourself, Vivian. Doubt me.'' He whispered slowly, his hot breath mixing with my quickened, and _he_ kissed _me_ this time. It was more demanding and wild than previous kiss, and I had a sudden need to jump him right there in the hallway. When he pulled away again, my head was spinning and I was gripping his forearms desperately to keep my balance.

''No, it's fine. We'll take it slowly. Not like all those years ago. We'll be friends, right?'' I forced myself to calm down and reason with him.

''…What I'm thinking about now, I'm not sure I would be thinking about with a friend.'' He smirked, with his old charm kicking in, and I was trying to be offended, but it really made me all hot and bothered.

''We'll just get to know each other, or catch up or whatever. After all, we have pretty much lots of time in our hands.'' I declared, not sure if I was trying to convince him or myself. He just nodded and easily pushed past me, like we didn't even have a very important conversation a second ago. I couldn't help but grin and follow him into the kitchen.

* * *

That night, he didn't put a silencing charm around his room. And of course he had another nightmare and startled me into running into his room and frantically waking him up. When he blinked sleep away I could see familiar wariness and distrust creeping into his gaze, but it softened as soon as he saw me straddling him and pushing strands of soft hair away from his forehead.

''Hey, hey, it's fine. It's okay. I'm here.'' I whispered, only slightly afraid that I would upset him.

''Hey,'' he croaked out, his raspy voice making me shiver.

''Will you let me stay a little?'' I was fucking straddling him, in a very compromising position hence I was wearing my short nightdress, and I still managed to ask him shyly.

''Okay.'' It was enough for me to lay beside him and take his hand. He moved to a more comfortable position, half-sitting, with his head resting on the headboard. Only then, when I got comfortable and took a good look at him, I noticed that he was clad in some old sweats, while his torso was completely naked and uncovered. I gulped, shamelessly ogling his lean body and pondering how the hell he could look so good, after all the tortures his mind and body went through. With the help of the lights coming from the now completely bare window and a little light from the cigarette he lightened without me even noticing, I was free to memorize and absorb all of him before me. All those inky patterns and lines, sketches and symbols I didn't understand. Old and new wounds.

''You broke the rule.'' I rolled myself to get closer to him, my face standing inches from his lean abdomen.

''I what?'' I looked up and saw him smirking down at me, with the cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth. It was the understatement that in that little moment, I wanted him to devour me, for the lack of better phrase.

I cleared my suddenly very dry throat and got a smirk of my own.

''You know, the rule. Tattoo next to the scar. I don't see that much scars. What do these even mean?'' I traced one of the runes on his chest with slight curiosity.

''Let's say those are for… internal scars.'' He said with that sleepy voice and when I looked up at him again, now with serious expression, he gave me one sad smile and my heart broke a little, for the thousandth time.

''When we were on Hogwarts, I was fascinated with Ancient Runes… At times.'' He grinned slightly and I concentrated on his every word, happy that he would say more than one sentence.

''I never took them but Lily did, so I would nick her book from time to time. So once I had read about some runes which were used by Egyptian wizards, to help them save their spirits when they were to go to the war or face with something equally traumatic. Then, I laughed about it… But a couple of years later, there I was, alone and on the way to madness. It sounded like a good thing to do.''

I slowly looked down from his face to the runes on his chest and started to kiss them, one by one, not even realizing how erotic that must have looked, until I heard his breath hitching.

''What are you doing?'' I could hear his voice rasping and I couldn't ignore the feeling of slight pride swelling in me.

''Thanking them for doing a good job.'' I smiled and started to kiss a way up, leaving trails on his collar bone, shoulder, neck, jaw line, cheek and nose, purposefully missing his slightly quirked lips.

I looked into his eyes, inches away from his face, only to see them hooded and slightly darker and he subconsciously took one strand of my hair and twiddled it around his finger. He did that with his left hand, raising it slightly for better access. His left hand, which he would hide all the time if it was bare from wrist upwards. And in that moment, I realized why.

On his left forearm, right over that old, deep scar, the same as mine, where it was proudly cut 'Toujous pur'', I could clearly see one tattoo, big enough to cover the writing. It was a tattoo of a little squirrel. Squirrel, as my Patronus before I had met him.

I grabbed his arm, not at all tenderly and abruptly sat up. I startled him with sudden movement so the cigarette slipped from between his lips, falling down onto the finally clean white sheets.

''Fuck, Vivian!'' He exclaimed and tried to snatch his hand back to his range of control, but I didn't let him, touching the tattoo completely mesmerized. He picked up the cigarette with his right hand, threw it into the ashtray and turned back to watching me.

''You mean git.'' I gritted out and he looked at me completely bewildered.

''Excuse me?''

''You want to tell me that this'', I shoved his own limp arm dangerously close to his face, ''was here all along, and you didn't want to show it to me so you wouldn't look like you, god forbid, cared?!''

''…Er…yes?''

''You idiot!'' I yelled and let go of his hand, hitting him with my own in the ribs. ''How long is it here? Why am I on your forearm?!''

''Because you left something with you when we broke up. Because there was always something, and I knew it wouldn't go away, so I just inked you here, a couple of months after we broke up.'' He raised his voice slightly to try and match my own, but it was bothering him to put an effort.

''You mean… All these years, I was the only one?'' I asked, half alarmed, half confused.

''No, of course not. Well… Kind of. You were the only one here'', he waved indefinitely around his chest, probably going for the heart, ''and here.'' Now he waved around his head and shrugged, as if declaring undying love wasn't a big deal at all.

I snorted and rolled my eyes, trying not to look to sappy, even if I was conflicted between jumping around the room from the joy and weeping like some pathetic child.

''C'mon, I'm here now. You can sleep. You're not alone.'' I whispered and felt the words betraying me on 'alone'.

He gave me one of those rare, soft and sincere smiles, kissed my forehead with his scratchy stubble making me chuckle, and got down onto the bed, hugging me desperately. With my head right on his warm, simultaneously soft and hard chest, I fell asleep listening to the lullaby of his heartbeat and realizing that I could _never, ever_ , be closer to another human being than in that moment. And finally, I was completely, utterly happy.

* * *

Weak rays of sunshine woke me up the next morning, not like in previous, rainy days and weeks. I felt warm body behind me, with an arm draped around my torso, tattooed fingers feeling like they would burn me. His scent was surrounding me and I cherished it. His hot breath was fanning fine hairs on my neck and his legs were tangled with mine. He was so alive and warm and soft and hard… Then I felt something hard poking me in my precious behind and I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing…or moaning, for that matter.

I wiggled a little to get more comfortable, when his arm tightened around me and I could hear a deep groan in my ear.

''Vivian, stop that.'' I could hear his scratchy baritone and smiled mischievously.

''What?'' I countered with my own hoarse morning voice when he groaned again.

''If you still think it's too soon for anything to happen, for the love of god-'', he started, then quickly shot up in the bed, like he was burned.

''What?'' I said again, only now slightly panicked.

''I woke up with- I, I mean,'' he started and then smiled gleefully.

''With that thing that happens to every man alive, congratulations.'' I said dryly, but he was still unreasonably cheerful.

''No, you see, I haven't even thought about women for a very long time, so even this… natural thing stopped happening.'' He mumbled and looked down, his mood darkening a little.

''Oh. Well, that's a very, _very_ good thing.'' I really didn't know how to give him back his momentarily inexistent ego, so I did what any woman with a really good looking, half-hard man would do. I crawled up to him and kissed him so passionately that I was out of breath even before it started.

He groaned again in frustration and I could sense something snapping in him when he pinned me to bed and started trailing soft kisses down my throat. I started gasping, that familiar fire in the depths of my stomach slowly expanding through my whole body. My hands found his hair and his were busy trailing my sides and the feel of them even through my satin nightdress was really exquisite. He didn't even bother to take it off me; his lips were now on my breasts, sucking on my nipples through the thin fabric, while his hand was sneakily creeping under it, feeling my moist womanhood through my knickers. I was moaning for real now, all conscious thoughts completely abandoning me.

''Sirius - Oh, Merlin, Sirius, we shouldn't-'' but then he looked at me with those eyes full of lust, slightly pink cheeks and hair disheveled by my own hands, and effectively shut me up.

''Fuck that, we're not children.'' He croaked out right when my hands came down his torso, trying to strip him out of his nightwear. He dropped his head to kiss me again and grinded against me, getting me tingly everywhere and helping me a lot with the decision.

I moaned into his mouth and raised my body to be impossibly closer to him and felt him harden a bit more, and he let out a soft growl, when-

''Padfoot, you better be alive and sober in there!'', could be heard somewhere from the stairs, in the voice of his only remaining best friend.

''Oh, for fuck's sake.'' Sirius cursed quietly and closed his eyes to steady his breathing.

''Go, talk to him.'' I whispered and Sirius scoffed, rolling away from me and making me smile wryly.

He opened the door roughly, casting me one last hungry look and reminding me of what a mess I must have been looking like.

''Oh, there you are. Did Vivian stop by? We told her to send a word, but she didn't, so we're kind of worried.'' I cringed at my own irresponsibility.

''Yeah, she's fine. We made up.'' Sirius said in clipped voice.

''Oh, that's great! You look… shagged. How did you make up?'' I could sense snicker in Remus' voice and Sirius turned to me. I frantically shook my head for him not to say a word, when I saw some movement behind the doorway and Sirius frantically stepping outside and closing the door.

''That's because I was sleeping, you tosser. I'll be down there in a minute.'' I could hear Sirius barking at his friend and the latter snickering madly.

We came down shortly after, agreeing that we were still in some friendship limbo even after that morning's little mishap, only to see Remus and Tonks sitting around the table and drinking tea.

''And what happened to you two?'' Tonks asked with a smirk scarily similar to Sirius'.

''Nothing, we made up.'' I said shortly and sat next to her.

''So, are you together or what?'' Tonks pressed and I rolled my eyes, trying to mask discomfort and weirdness that the thought of actually belonging to someone was making in my stomach.

Silence is a treasure. Sirius was wisely sticking to that.

''Uh, not really- I mean, we're friends.'' I managed out and Tonks gave me one of her knowing looks.

''Sirius, tell your _friend_ to hide that hickey you left her, next time she decides to lie.'' She smiled viciously.

It was the understatement to tell that the silence that followed next was unpleasant one.


	17. How to save a life

**A/N:** It's 4am and I'm knackered. I hope it's not too bad :D

 **Disclaimer:** All you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

How to save a life

''But Sirius, if you just let me -''

''No.''

''But just this much, not even-''

''No.''

''But it'll be easier for you-''

''No, White.''

''I'll find you more attractive.''

''…No.''

''I'll let you shag me.''

''Really?''

''No.''

''Then no.''

''Fine!'' I pushed his head off my lap and got up to leave his bedroom, annoyed with his endless stubbornness. I was trying to persuade him to cut his hair, just a little bit, so it could be more practical and easy to deal with. At the moment it was reaching his shoulders and it was constantly falling in his eyes, making him jerk his head in a very irritated manner from time to time.

It was the middle of the night, right after another nightmare of his, and I couldn't remember the time when I was actually having a full night's sleep. But I couldn't complain, especially when he pulled my hand desperately, not letting me go.

''Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine, cut my hair.'' He grumbled and I gave him my Cheshire cat smile. It just took a couple of moments, (well, _I am_ a witch) and when I was done, I laughed gleefully and ran my fingers through his hair, enjoying indescribable softness and feeling even a little envious because of it.

I sat down opposing him and pushed inky strands from his face, feeling him on the purest way possible and admiring his looks for the thousandth time.

''God, you're really a peace of art.'' I whispered and he released a breath which ghosted over my lips. He grinned, trying to look mischievous but failing because of that soft glint in his eyes.

''I'm not art, I'm damaged.'' He whispered back and I gave him one honest, sad smile. How could this man value himself so little?

''That's the best kind of art. It lost some parts over the years, which only made it more unique and mysterious.''

''And what kind of art are you?'' Why did I, every single time, feel this desperate need to be close to him, whenever we shared a room?

''I don't know. You tell me.''

''My favorite kind.'' He shrugged and smirked, kissing the tip of my nose.

In that moment, I realized one simple truth. All of it was worth it. All that misery, pain, arguments and his madness attacks were worth it. Because, this moment erased it all.

And as if he was reading my thoughts, he kissed me slowly, lazily, chastely and I felt his warmness, closeness and a pure bliss followed by it.

''So, shall we shag now?''

'' _No._ Aw, Black, you ruined the moment!'' I smacked his arm and he yelped, and then let out a bark of laughter.

''I'm joking, you little pest.''

* * *

All in all, it was nice and calm. It was so nice and calm in the next couple of days, that I was slightly afraid something bad was about to destroy it. It was like a sweet torture; I had that stupid principle and lack of self-confidence, so I didn't spend any more nights in Sirius' room, afraid that I would jump him and make him do me no good. Or too much good, depends on perspective. With that certain problem helped the fact that the Order meetings were now held much more often, with endless discussions should we get Harry to stay in Grimmauld place for Christmas or let him bear troubles with that psychopathic toad Umbridge. After many discussions and Sirius' heated arguments, we decided to bring him here along with Ron and Hermione. It's completely expectable to say that Sirius was ecstatic about the situation.

And then, _it_ happened after one of those meetings, in the beginning of December, when I was making some dinner for Sirius and me. And by _it_ , I don't mean anything particularly bad and terrifying. Just very, _very_ distracting It was the first time in those couple of days that we were actually left alone in the house.. Remus and Tonks, the last lingering Order members, could be heard talking somewhere in the hallway. I shut them out, completely lost in some irrelevant train of thought, when I sensed some shuffling and movement behind me. I shrugged it off and continued my work, when I felt arms draping around my waist and hot breath against my ear, soft mop of shaggy, black hair caressing my neck.

''Damn, woman, can you be more irresistible?'' He whispered, making me shiver and I laughed, a little too breathily for my taste.

''What are you doing, Black?'' I smirked a little, but shuddered when he kissed me right behind my ear.

''What does it look like?'' He stepped even closer to me and I could feel his firm body against my a little slighter one. I turned a little and he kissed me on the lips, and I sighed, dropping my wand and forgetting about the dinner. He easily lifted me so I was sitting on the counter, and started nipping on my lip and making me moan into his mouth with desire. _What a stupid idea, to go slowly! Why go slowly? Where's fun in that?_

He stepped between my parted legs and grinded against my clothed, already heated center and I couldn't wait to go upstairs. I was contemplating letting him take me there, in the kitchen, and he probably had the same thoughts, because I could feel his hands freely roaming under my sweater, his eyes boring into mine with that dangerous flame, and his hardness growing against me.

When he kneaded my breast over the bra, all the while not taking his eyes off mine, I couldn't help but whimper. _God, yes._

''Sirius's the name, love.'' _Damn, did I say that out loud? Wait, did he just call me_ love _?_

Somehow, after that one word, everything became even more heated and rushed and then-

 _Crack_

''Master blood traitor and his awful mudblood whore sullying the sacred house of Black.'' I peaked behind Sirius' shoulder to see that little menace, shooting daggers at us and completely ruining every trace of arousal we had just a moment before.

''Fuck.'' Sirius growled, frustrated by another damned interruption. ''Fuck off, would ya?!'' he barked at the old, disgusting creature and it glared at us one more time before disappearing into thin air.

Sirius leaned on the counter next to me, after picking up my wand and giving it back.

''We're not so good with the timing, are we?'' I laughed dryly and he nervously tousled his hair. A habit picked up from his deceased friend, probably.

''We could try again?'' He asked and grinned at the scoff I gave him.

''Or maybe just put it off a little bit more, because it's just yelling at us not to rush.'' I shrugged and now it was his turn to roll eyes.

* * *

And then, the day came, where everything went hectic and wild. And it was just before Christmas. Arthur was attacked by a snake and sent to St. Mungo's and children were about to arrive earlier than planned. I could see war in Sirius' eyes, probably because he was happy for Harry's arrival, but guilty because of his own good mood.

We were sitting at the table in the kitchen, waiting for kids, and I was trying to think of some good and empathic thing to say to Weasleys. Sirius was nursing a cup of coffee even if it was very late (or very early in the morning) and something in the air felt heavy and colder than one normal December night.

I was still refusing to share a room with Sirius and he didn't pressure me, even if I was annoying even to my own self. We had a couple of rows in the past week, but nothing too big, so this anticipating silence was a bit disturbing and new to me.

When the children finally got in there, it was maybe even more depressing and crushing. My heart was breaking for little redheads, normally so lively and cheerful lot.

And when we finally received good news, I was so relieved that I leapt and hugged Sirius, from a habit. Faces around the room were varying from very shocked to horrified, like I was touching the real fire, and not just one man. Then I remembered myself, realizing they weren't there to see gradual improvement of Sirius' and mine relationship, so I just stepped away awkwardly, not eager to explain my antics further.

That early morning, when I finally reached my bedroom and tried to make myself comfortable, I realized that, even if I wanted to explain our situation to other people, I couldn't, because I simply didn't know what was happening, either. I knew that we both had feelings for each other, that part was pretty obvious… But the rest of it? Were we friends? Lovers? Were we in a relationship or just spending time together? Could we ever get a chance, after the war, in case we survived it? Did I want it?

And then, it was clean as that cold dawn outside. I could easily picture myself making a family with that man. I wasn't the one to believe in destiny or soul mates, but somehow I knew that we shared some connection which would bring us to each other, no matter the odds.

So, naturally, I glanced at the clock and barely acknowledged that it was barely half six. I ran through the little hallway and got directly into Sirius' room, without even bothering to knock.

He was sitting on the windowsill yet again and I felt terrible for not being there for him when he couldn't sleep.

I startled him into whipping his head and expected some sort of berating, but he simply gave me one little smile and jumped onto the floor lazily.

''Black, I need to ask you something.'' I said clearly, my courage serving me nicely and he sat onto the bed, motioning for me to follow.

''I need to know, where we are now.'' I said clearly and he gave me one serious look. _I knew he could be mature when he wanted to!_

''Number 12, Grimmauld Place, London, United Kingdom.'' He said earnestly. _So much for being mature._

''I mean us, you and I, you prat. What to say, how to explain this to others?'' I closed my eyes, feeling completely exasperated with the jerk.

''Well, I would appreciate it if you just wouldn't explain it to Harry. Just leave it to him to acknowledge it as he wants it. He has some serious shit going on in his life and I don't think it's a good idea to burden him with this.'' He said calmly and I totally understood it. I nodded and tried to hide my disappointment in him belittling this…thing.

''And the others? And… me? I don't know what we are.'' I persisted, feeling like some impatient child.

''Tell them what you want. And you…'' He trailed off, looking at me analytically, like he was calculating something.

''I count you as a repayment given from justice in this world. Justice gave you to me to fix everything that was fucked up. It gave you to me so I could find a reason to keep living.'' He said it easily and quietly and only the softness in his eyes betrayed a ton of emotion behind those words. I gulped, trying not to cry from the sheer beauty of it all and realizing that I didn't know how say something so perfect to another human.

But, one stray tear rolled down my cheek.

''I can't sleep unless you're here, you know.'' He whispered and wiped the tear with his rough and simultaneously gentle hand and I buried my head under his neck, breathing in his scent and calming down. He slowly moved so we were laying on the bed, me clinging to him desperately and him drawing soothing circles on my back. I was crazy, really, but I couldn't find much happiness in that statement, remembering his fucked up life and every injustice that was thrown on this beautiful man.

''Thank you, Black.'' I rasped out finally, on the verge of falling asleep in his arms.

''For what now, White?''

''You're still saving my life.''


	18. The lovers

**A/N:** kate3110 hi! You have no idea how glad I am to see your review! You literally made my day :D Congratulations on your success in Geology, we're managing well with this college crap, aren't we? By the way, I'm surprising even myself with the flow of this story, but what to do... I hope you'll enjoy until the end! :D

221authoronbakerst, thank you for your support and kindness, I really appreciate it! :D

 **Disclaimer:** All you recognise is JKR's, the rest is my imagination.

* * *

The lovers

"Vivian? Vivian White?'' I heard some unknown voice behind me and carefully turned around. By the way, it was the Christmas morning and we were visiting Arthur in St. Mungo's. I spent a couple of minutes in his room and then left to wait in the hallway, so the kids and Molly could give a poor man some family time for the holiday. I was feeling completely uncomfortable and out of place all the way here, but out of respect for Arthur, I couldn't decline going. Everything around me was sterile and white, giving me that scary vibe and making me aware of copious amounts of pain and death in these rooms. I couldn't wait to go back to Grimmauld and Sirius, even if we were here barely a half of hour.

And right behind me was some healer which I really couldn't recognize so I just smiled politely and nodded.

''I'm Jenna Smithson, Ravenclaw, your year, remember me?'' I smiled now sincerely, meeting my good acquaintance after a very, _very_ long time.

''Jenna! Hi! I'm so glad to see you! How are you doing?''

''Oh I'm great, I'm a healer now, as you can see. And you? I thought you would be working for Ministry as an Auror?'' She was genuinely curious, and even if I wanted to avoid talking about myself, I still had to say _something._

''I was an Auror, but I'm… taking a break from everything at the moment. How's stuff in hospital?''

''It's fine, some days are hard, other easy… Classic, really. Today's the hard one, since my shift is on the closed ward.'' She said casually and I lifted one eyebrow.

''On the closed ward?''

''You know, for… special people. It's tough in there, but I'm managing. I'm just on my way there to bring some documents to the receptionist, so if you have nothing to do, you can come with me and we can get some coffee and catch up!''

''…Sure, I guess so.'' I accepted, albeit reluctantly, and followed her through white and grey hallways and waiting rooms, trying not to gape at patients around me. She brought me to that closed ward and left me in some sort of sitting room to wait, grumbling about incompetence of young receptionists. I looked around the neutral, but not so cozy room, only to see one old man sitting in the chair across from mine, looking at me intently, with eyes so black they resembled black holes. He was very thin and had short grey hair and he was sitting slumped, but still. He wasn't moving a single muscle on his body, even his haunted eyes were trained stonily on mine. Only his hands were shaking violently in his lap, making him even creepier than he already was. I didn't know what was wrong with him, but whatever it was, it wasn't looking anything like an ordinary case of lunacy, schizophrenia or whatever. But something dark was radiating off him, giving me goose bumps and I desperately wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I was sitting frozen across a frozen man, freaking out and berating myself for freaking out because of a clearly sick and helpless person.

''So sorry, it's just that stupid little- Oh, I see you've met Jasper.'' Jenna came back to save me, only to see me staring wide-eyed in those empty black eyes.

''What- what's wrong with him?'' I barely managed to croak out when she escorted him back to his room.

''Jasper is our most recent patient. He is released from Azkaban a couple of months ago.'' On the name of infamous prison I jerked, not unlike other people in reaction on Voldemort's name. Seeing my interest, Jenna continued.

''He was fighting very long time ago, alongside Grindelwald. Since he wasn't Grindelwald's important associate, he didn't get a life-long sentence.'' I involuntarily cringed and felt bile rising in my throat. This whole talk about Azkaban made me very sick.

''What you had opportunity to see right now, Vivian, is a man left without any happiness in his life. He had just… shut down. He can't feel, he doesn't want to talk, he barely eats… He doesn't have any relatives or friends left, so there's no one to help him. There's no one who could wake him up from this… state. He'll stay like this until he dies, which I think will be very soon. Shell of a man.'' Jenna said and I looked at her horrified.

''…Shell of a man.'' I echoed quietly, hoarsely, surprising even myself of how close this had hit to home.

''Sorry, Jenna, I have to go. I have some errands to do and I completely forgot. We'll catch up some other time!'' I woke up from my little trance and ran down the hallway, to the apparition point, not even turning around or waiting for Jenna to answer me.

* * *

I ran into the house like the madwoman I was, and barged straight into the kitchen, only to see Sirius who was nursing a cup of coffee, looking at me startled.

''What are you doing here this early? Did something happen? Are you okay? Is Harry okay?'' He jumped up and started firing confused questions and I just waved him off, trying to regain my breath.

''Sirius, don't you dare to leave me.'' I said and started towards now completely bewildered man.

''What?''

''Just promise me you'll be here, with me. Can you promise me that?'' Noticing how distressed and on the verge of crying I sounded, he took my hands in his and looked me straight in the eye.

''I promise I'll stay.'' He whispered and I released a breath. Hearing that promise in his warm and deep voice somehow calmed me down, even if it was no guarantee of truth.

''I can't lose you.'' I whispered and gulped, trying to keep tears and too much emotions in check.

''You won't.'' He pecked my nose with his warm, dry and perfect lips and smiled. ''You won't lose me ever again.'' Now, he kissed my right cheek. ''I can't imagine living without you.'' After these words I shuddered and he turned onto my left cheek. ''…or dying without you, for that matter.'' He finished his little speech only millimeters away from my mouth and I could feel his hot breath against my mouth.

I kissed him, pouring all the things I wanted to say to him into that one exchange of breath.

One exchange of breath, one exchange of thousands of pleas, worries and feelings.

It was passionate, but not like in those other times. It was too deep to be taken lightly. It was like our first kiss ever and I had so much different emotions battling inside me, that I didn't know should I laugh or cry. Gleeful and sad simultaneously, it was like a kiss shared by the two who weren't supposed to see each other ever again, and in the same time a kiss between a freshly married couple.

When I pulled away and saw all those emotions reflecting in his now darkened eyes, my resolve snapped.

''Let's go upstairs.'' I said too huskily for my taste and all but ran to his bedroom, pulling him behind me and not waiting for his reply.

When we finally burst through the door of his bedroom, I squinted a little at the lightness of it and saw the snow falling outside, burying this day into its softness.

When I turned around, I saw him staring at me, his soft gaze a little bit roughened up by the hunger I could see written all over his face. He crossed the room into a couple of strides and slanted his mouth against mine and I reached and grabbed two fistfuls of his hair. I moaned into his mouth as his hands slipped under my blouse and ghosted over the flesh of my ribs. He took me to bed, I don't even know how because I was so hypnotized with his scent and caresses. I realized where I was, although blurrily, only when I felt his weight on me. So alive, so warm, so welcome. I touched his muscled back as he shifted to drag his mouth down my neck. My mind was a jumbled mess of feeling and sensation.

''Sirius.'' I panted, drawing some circles on his back while he was marking me with his mouth. Every little nib said that I was his.

''I need you.'' He breathed out, his voice dark and husky.

''You have me.'' I whispered and realized how delightfully true that was.

On my words, he lifted his head and met my lustful gaze. His eyes were liquid steel.

''Do you really mean that?'' He asked, his eyes boring into me and once again looking straight into my soul.

''I do.'' I reached out and touched my hand over his cheek. ''I want this, I want you.''

''Vivian,'' he rasped and I could sense emotion in his voice. ''I'm scarred. I can't promise you happiness.''

''I know. And I still want you.'' I gave him a little smile.

His reaction was instantaneous. His pupils dilated and he kissed me fiercely, plunging his tongue into my mouth and fisting my blouse into his hands. I heard the material rip but couldn't be arsed enough to care. I took care of his shirt next, desperately peeling it off his shoulders and his naked chest against my skin felt glorious. My need to feel more of him had me clawing at my bra and pulling it off of my body with a hard jerk and a few broken clasps. On the sight of my bare chest, Sirius thrust his hips against me, driving his erection against me and making me gasp at the sudden jolt of pleasure.

''More,'' I mumbled against his mouth, reaching between us to pull at his trousers. He pushed himself off of me, kneeling between my legs and watched with an obvious hunger as I quickly pulled my jeans down my legs and threw them somewhere on the floor. Next, I pulled open his zipper and yanked his trousers and pants to mid thigh. I didn't hesitate to reach out and grab his cock, standing thick and proud, and start stroking it gently. Sirius groaned, his head falling back as his hips thrust forward into my hand. I looked up at him as I tightened my grip and watched his mouth open slightly in pleasure.

''Vivian,'' he rasped, his hands reaching out to stop my movement. ''You have to stop.''

He didn't sound like he wanted me to stop but he did pull away from me, just enough to push my shoulders back on to the bed before he reached down and touched me lightly over my knickers, feeling my wetness and arousal.

My legs instinctively fell open and I felt blush rising on my cheeks, with him standing on his knees and eating me with his eyes.

''You're beautiful.'' He said quietly, still touching me, and I pulled him back onto me, feeling desperate need rising within my body.

''Sirius,'' I moaned, ''More!''

Sirius replied by quickly removing the last offending piece of clothing off me and sliding his fingers into my body, wrenching another moan out of me as he pumped them in and out, curling his long fingers up and sending jolts of pleasure through my body. And just when I closed my eyes and felt the beginning of the great peak, he withdrew completely.

''Not yet. I want you to look at me when you come.'' He whispered and I gulped, feeling a desperate need to whimper or cry out in frustration.

I hadn't even noticed that Sirius had moved until his moth was on me again, his tongue dancing with my own on the most arousing way. I felt his cock brush against me and I instinctively lifted my hips, desperately seeking more friction.

''I need you.'' He whispered again.

''Then take me.'' I whispered back.

He didn't hesitate or pause to line himself up with my body. He snapped his hips forward and slid into my throbbing body with ease, causing us both to gasp at the new feeling. I threw my head back into the pillow as I felt him stretch me. It had been _a long time_ but I welcomed the slight burn as Sirius pulled back and thrust into me again, our hips meeting. Holding himself above me on straining arms, the room quickly dissolved into nothing more than the slap of skin, harsh breathing and the pleasure of being intimately connected. There was a tingling under the surface of my skin, building up with every second that our skin touched.

Suddenly, Sirius bent his head and latched his mouth onto my nipple and that electric hum in my skin only intensified. My hands slipped from his shoulders to his hair, threading it through my fingers and scraping my nails against his scalp. Sirius' eyes fell closed and his head fell onto my chest and I could barely hear through my frenzied haze him mumbling, ''Vivian.''

Hearing my name falling from his lips in the midst of passion made me even more hot, and when he increased his rhythm, I could literally hear blood running through my veins and sweet coil of pleasure in my groin as I cried out.

After that, it was all me gasping _Moremoremore_ , turning into _Yesyesyes_ and him still chanting my name like a prayer.

But somehow, in the depths of unbelievable ecstasy and on the right verge of exploding, I realized he didn't stop his little chanting. But, those mutterings against my skin weren't my name anymore, I realized then.

He was kissing the patches of skin on my bosom, collarbones, shoulders, muttering, "I love you. I love you. I love you.''

And when I heard that, my back arched and his head shifted, to look straight into my eyes. My entire body shuddered with physical pleasure as his followed suit, and when I felt those tell tale fireworks rising within me, all I saw was depths of grey. I didn't dare to close my eyes.

I could feel him exploding inside me and his head fell onto my chest again, growling and panting his orgasm away and prolonging my pleasure, making me gasp uncontrollably.

''Sirius, Molly said we need - _oh._ '' That wasn't my voice. I knew that voice. That was Harry's voice.

Sirius jerked his head and looked at me with wide, horrified eyes, not daring to turn around. I peaked behind his shoulder slowly, only to see equally horrified Harry standing on the doorframe, blushing furiously. He snapped out of it quickly, turned around and ran down the stairs, completely embarrassed.

''Please tell me that this didn't happen.'' Sirius mumbled and fell onto my stomach, crushing me a little, but I still didn't mind.

''You mean, Harry walking in on us in the middle of our orgasm. And by our, I mean his godfather's and some woman's who's here because of a chain of circumstances?'' I answered, trying not to laugh out loud.

He groaned, burying his head in my stomach and nuzzling it with his nose, like a dog he was.

''Oh, don't worry, you just need to talk to him and explain that this is a normal thing. You know, birds and bees.'' I started to laugh for real now and he gave me one unamused look from below.

''I don't want to- Fuck, James, you really had to die on me?!'' Sirius cursed and for the first time mentioned James easily. So he came to peace with that fact. Thank Merlin.

''Oh c'mon, it will be a little awkward, but you'll manage. C'mon, up you go.'' I pushed him off me and started to search for my discarded clothes, feeling giddiness and a sheer satisfaction when I realized how perfect all this was. Except the last part, just after our orgasm, when Harry walked in, that is.

''Right. Wish me luck.'' He said with a little frown on his face after we put our clothes back on and tried to look at least a little presentable.

''Good luck.'' I grinned, and when he was on the doorway I had to add,

''Oh, and, I love you too.'' The smile he gave me then made me fall in love with him all over again.


End file.
